Parsnips For All

There is a rather large pussy on the wall. I will bring it into my house and stroke it. I do not want stray pussies all over the place. The village is full of them already as it is... (see the previous post for further details).

I'm pissed off that it won't eat my parsnip though. Cats just do not understand the Way of the Parsnip.

The weather is fucking miserable, I have just noticed. This is not appropriate, as I wanted to conduct a large outdoor seance in honour of the parsnip today. I had invited vicars, reverends and bishops from all around to learn my unique manner of teaching - involving lots of shouting, singing and naked dancing - but I suspect they will have found it too unorthodox anyway.

The Christian community is against me! Only the people of Mevagissey know what's good for them. If they ever try to transfer me out of here, I will kill them. Yes. Because that is what the Good Lord would want.

This morning there was a loud bang in the village. I can hear police sirens and various other goings on, and the Old Dears are out on the street in droves, spreading bitchy gossip. I must get one of their attentions and find out more.

My initial suspicions are that there has been some sort of calamity at the Mevagissey brothel. I suspect there was so much activity going on last night - the village was full of hookers! - that all the beds have collapsed at the same time and then the floors collapsed through and down through the building. That is the punishment they get for misusing the humble parsnip! They do not understand my message! Every time I pay a visit to enlighten them (and get "enlightened," naturally) they take my message of Parsnip Advocacy too literally!

Either that or The Lord has intervened and taken the life of those Heathens on the Parish Council!

Oh the excitement! Which will it be?

I'm disappointed that I'm unable to present the minutes of the Parish Council, but it turns out that Mrs Gosworth is still ill after the harsh regime I imposed on her after I learned of her wicked sins at our private confessional on Wednesday. I will try my best to remember the events.

As expected, the Heathens on the Council, namely Jim Apple and Arthur Troy, tried to turn the events of Tuesday against me. They called for my resignation. Me! The King Parsnip! Fortunately, I was able to shout them down with the backing of the Old Dears, and I managed to survive a vote of confidence. I intend to make some arrangements so that the Lord (aka. Big Dave, The Axe Man) can intervene to ensure that Jim and Arthur are unable to make any "proposals" at the Council any more. They will feel His presence with a mighty blow to the back of the head!

All who interfere in the Way of the Parsnip will be eliminated. I have tried to live with this pair of cunts for too long. I have been left with no choice.

Other business at the Council was a motion to raise some funds to get our stained glass window removed and have a new one made entirely of parsnips. The parsnips will form an image of me, in honour of the work I have done for my community.

We also agreed that it was time to build a special lower church bench for the Old Dears. This was supported unanimously by the Old Dears. Who says democracy doesn't work! Here is a fine example of it working in favour of everyone!

My carpet is rising! The stew is boiling! This must mean that my Parsnip Special Brew is complete in the basement. Gosh darn it! I've been looking forward to trying this...

How dare someone desecrate the Parsnip Residence! I saw the little shit running away and I roared a pox on the fucking cunt. I then proceeded to use my parsnip stash in a new fashion - as objects of warfare. Alas, my aim is no longer as good as it used to be and I missed several times. But he got the message! No one shall interfere in my teachings and get away with it! Clearly this must be a Devil inspired incident. The Lord would not want this to happen to me, I'm sure of it.

Ah, the postman is here. His wife is a horny devil. I'm sure he suspects nothing that those packages he delivers from her are certainly "Special Deliveries." Hoho! She just can't get enough of the Parsnip! Who can't! They all love me! They feel my Power and have no choice but to resist and accept!

When I sing, the whole world listens. I can release an almighty bellow that everyone within a one kilometre radius can hear what is going on. This is due to the fact that I have been blessed with such a powerful booming voicebox. I think this is why I enjoy preaching to people, because I have this God-given talent which I shall not waste.

So this morning I tested it out by throwing open the windows and roaring: Abba - Waterloo. Only, I didn't sing the exact lyrics. Instead, I altered all the lyrics to be a derivative of the word "parsnip".

The whole town was doubtless woken up by this, but that's only what they deserve! It was 5am, and everyone should be up by this time. I soon gathered a loving crowd outside my balcony windows, and judging by the things they were throwing at me: e.g. soiled tampons and lavatory seats, I suspect they love me in the way that Tom Jones receives the gift of underwear from his lady fans. I could feel the love radiating from my fans, especially when one particular item of Love hit me square in the head, knocking me out for some 5 minutes.

Only by dragging people into the 21st Century with stunts like this will people begin to see past their complacency and come right into the modern age! The Way of the Parsnip will be the Way of the World soon!

I will post the Parish Council minutes later.

The school visit went off wonderfully, as usual. The best questions came from the infants classes, as always.

"Did Jesus eat parsnips?"

"Were you around when Jesus was alive?"

"What happens if we don't go to church?"

The last question was my favourite. I told them all that nothing happens if you don't go to church. At first.

Slowly but surely, however, your insides rot away, eaten by little black Guilt Bugs. And then, before you know it, you are doomed to an eternity of Hellfire and Damnation! Wot a crushing blow that was! They thought they'd got away with it at first... and then all of a sudden... WHAM!! They weren't expecting it. I know they weren't because those tears they cried were real! I got the message into them once and for all! God's Love will flow through them all once more!

One of the little shits tried to argue with me about the deliciousness of parsnips, and so I told him to fuck off. I can only presume that he was a plant from my enemies on the fucking Parish Council. I'm going to rip their puny heads off tomorrow. Never mind the wife putting some suggestive liquid in their drinks... I might have to acquire some anthrax off my "contacts" in the fundie circles.

Keep your soul pure by going to church, where I will fill your head with such wonderful stories as this one.

There are many great birds in Mevagissey. There are, amongst other things, Mrs Gosworth, Miss Pennywater and even old Mrs Fish can make the day seem so much more radiant.

When Jesus walked amongst us, he was never tempted by a woman. Because of this - and also his lack of Parsnip Advocacy - Jesus is not my favourite Biblical character. However, I am hoping that, with the assistance of my friends in the Bible Institute, that somehow we can work a parsnip into the Bible. This will give me remarkable backing, and many members of the church will fall into line with my doctrine.

Sometimes, one needs to give a helping hand to change. Indeed, I know that God must be on my side for otherwise he would not make the Bible Institute susceptible to the Power of the Stuffed Brown Envelope!

All Hail The Stuffed Brown Envelope: The Giver of Power, The Cleanser of Inaccuracy and The Rocket Launcher To Careers!

... I learn to love again. And, by golly, that was a whole lot of a lovin'. It is important to always be aware of how to love - indeed, it is akin to riding a bicycle, and thus cannot be forgotten... so I'm not quite sure what that Foo Fighters song of this vein is all about.

I really was being serious when I said that my throne was going to arrive on Thursday. And here we are on Thursday, and the throne that I will sit on in church for all future Sundays arrives today. It is a masterpiece of gold and silver, decorated lovingly with only the finest in preserved parsnips. It has to be preserved, of course, otherwise they will rot and make the church smell. But I look forward to giving it a trial run. I spent a lot of petty cash on this thing. My bishop would no doubt like to challenge my purchase - for he is another Heathen - but I may be able to wield a significant influence over him. Parsnips can be remarkably useful for hypnotising people.

I have a visit to the local school due today. This always fills me with joy. I cannot get over how fantastic it is to be preaching the Parsnip Prayer to a whole new generation, and they love it. They accept everything without question. I know God is on my side, else he wouldn't have made children so naive!

There will be no escape from the Way of the Parsnip!

I forgot to also add that I was very disappointed at my visit to the Megavissey Farmer's Market. Once they realised that I was moving amongst them, they decided to make me their Guest of Honour, and a ceremonial red ribbon was cut to celebrate the opening of the market. However, if I had known that the only stall selling parsnips would be those of the French variety, then I would not have agreed. They're fucking disgusting.

After leaving, I called upon the Lord to strike down all the farmers at the market for being such closed-minded sceptics about the power of Parsnip. Only through rigid obedience and discipline will the Way of the Parsnip, and the Coming of the Age of Root Vegetables be achieved.

All Hail the Parsnip!

A fly has just flown through my window. This is one of God's creatures that I despise most horribly - he must have forgotten to eat his parsnips that day - and I feel no remorse in smacking its fucking buzzing wings into its pathetic sticky mucus and virus infected body. It makes me feel quite a Man to be ridding the Earth of such scum!

Hmm. I hear a knock at the door! It must be Mrs Gosworth for her evening "confession". Oh I say! It's a good job the wife isn't here. The wife really shouldn't be exposed to the kind of sordid tales that Old Gossy tells me.

The Grace of God and Parsnip be with you always.

Parsnips are the best way to round off a good square meal. I like to start with parsnip soup, then parsnip steak pie, and then to conclude a nice sweet parsnip. My life would be incomplete without it! I praise the Lord for being the creator all of all on Heaven and Earth... but even more so for He is the Provider of Parsnips! He created them! I will be forever grateful. It is through Him that I turned to the church and it is also through Him (and the Old Dears) that I spread my message across the land!

Go forth and multiply! Then eat parsnips after multiplying, and tell your multiples to eat them too!

After emptying my bowels, I've just decided how much of a pleasure it is to do this kind of thing. There's nothing more fulfilling in life than parking one's backside on the lav and releasing a turd that frees up the body workings once more, and contributes to a loss in body mass. It's made even more exciting if one releases a mighty holler at the same time, for example: "Oh JESUS!" - but some may misconstrue such a statement as some other bodily function.

My sermon for Sunday is now complete. I feel it is one of my best yet, and I look forward to the reaction I get on Sunday. With a bit of luck, my revolutionary call to arms will result in an immediate marching out of the the church and a potential burning down of the airfield. I can just see the Old Dears with their petrol cans and old tree-hugging clothes now... setting the tarmac ablaze, while the Lord provides alibis for us all from the police. He is truly with us! In any case, I suspect I can slip a quick bung to the rozzers anyway to turn a blind eye. The power of Christ be with you all!

This morning I have written a letter to the United Nations. I am applying for a job at their newly created Agricultural and Religious Advocacy department. I strongly believe that I am an excellent candidate for such a job in very unusual combination of subjects. They are both my strong points! I could preach to them about the message of God while telling them all about the joys one can take from a parsnip, especially, but not limited to, eating them and solving world hunger in a stroke! I will keep you all posted as to what happens next. This is an exciting time to be a Parsnip.

In preparation for Sunday's service, I have started work on my sermon, which I will publish in full this Sunday on this site. This week I intend to talk about the dangers of helicopters being flown by untrained pilots, and how God never meant for it to be so. This is a particular problem to us as we have a helicopter flying training school nearby. I am leading the campaign amongst my community. I know God is on our side, as he has already answered my prayers for one of them to crash and burn!

... I just thought I'd let you know that opening up later is the first Farmer's Market in Mevagissey. I will, of course, be inspecting to ensure that there is a stall selling parsnips. These farmers will get the blessing of me, and they may find that their crops have grown strong come harvest. Those who do not may discover it is a big mistake to ignore me.

The Lord will provide his bounty to those who follow his whim word for word! Even the bits that contradict each other.

This morning the clean up operation will begin in earnest. It is important that I return the church to normal for the next meeting of the Parish Council on Friday, or I will face some rather difficult questioning. Alas, there are some Heathens on the Council who do not believe in the power of Parsnip! They believe that they must try to extract me from my post, but I will not let them.

Instead, I will ensure that the wife feeds them a nutritious meal of Parsnips a la Parsnip laced with a drug that will make them more accepting of my words. I cannot be dealing with rebels at this point in my presidency, and this is one sure fire way to ensure that I'm "re-elected" to a second term.

I also cannot decide: diced, mashed, or julienne parsnip? Which is your favourite? I personally prefer to eat them raw and still in parsnip shape as it's the only way to ensure all the nutrients are absorbed, but I suspect I will have greater ease in converting people to my doctrine if I broaden my horizons slightly.

I broke up the rave with extreme skill! I marched in there with my best DJ hat on and mix mastered the fuckers into the next millennium with a supreme selection of the best in classic rave hits!

This included Roy Orbison - You Got It: which I turn into a masterpiece of dance hardcore metal rave fusion with the deftness of my hand on the turntable... the same hands which the Old Dears know and love. Everything you want... w ... w.w.w.w...ww. waant! One more time!

Then I concluded with a remix of Handel's Water Music. This always goes down a treat. They loved me so much that I suggested they all celebrated by taking 40 E's at the same time! Gosh darn it, they all did! You should have seen them spasming on the floor! At first I thought they were dancing while smashed off their faces, but no... it was rather more disturbing.

I am worried that if I contact the coroner he will suspect that I killed them, but on second thoughts I realised that Mr Coroner values his seat on the Mevagissey Parish Council. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardise his assured and righteous ascent into Heaven! Or an opportunity to sit next to the delightful Mrs Gosworth while she takes his minutes at the meetings. I say!

As I told you before, I reign supreme in Mevagissey. My throne is arriving on Thursday.

Hail the Parsnip!

I can hear rave music coming from the church. I daren't enter as there is clearly some kind of illegal rave going on, but I can't call the police because if I did so then they'd want to know how they got in there, and I sent them in with my blessing. It would be me in front of Old Herbert, the town magistrate. Sure, I could slip him a few rocks of crack cocaine that I often find after these raves, but he can be a very fickle man at times! I could get done for 10 years, and then what would the Old Dears do without my large services for company?

Oh what a dilemma!

I love Tuesdays. This is my much heralded Open Day at my church. I open the doors of the church at 7am and then people come from far and wide to do whatever they like in the church. It doesn't even have to be religious! This is a much better use of Jesus's House in my own opinion, and I can feel Jesus's power running through the piss, shit and spraypaint that gets left everywhere. He meant for it to happen that way!

I do take offence to people having sex in the pews though.... when children are present. Their minds should not be being filled with such impure thoughts at an early age. Instead, they should keep their minds focused on the single goal that I set them: Parsnip Advocacy.

I found it amusing that earlier in church during one my sermons I had a young child approach me and ask:

"Why don't we have bread like the Catholics do in the church on the other side of town?"

This was interesting, because earlier I had been toying with the idea of introducing slices of parsnip into the service, akin to the communion wafers that Catholics enjoy scoffing.

I let the child know that I am working on a solution. Next Sunday we will try it! But I fear that the resulting smell from methane expelled could be rather deadly in such a closed environment as my church. But Jesus will spare the righteous!

... called Mevagissey, I reside and reign supreme over my congregation. At church, I am the Reverend Parson Peter Parsnip. No one dares challenge my authority. I tell the Old Dears - "You must eat parsnips and feed them to your husbands every day!" - and they swallow it whole. I like it when they do that.

Vote for the parsnip!

I will ensure all children get a parsnip for their break time snack. None of this new-age hippy soya milk. Parsnips all the way! We want children to be farting all day and night so they can kill off the evil teachers. Ban teachers! Eat parsnips!

I do realise that if lots of people eat parsnips, there could be a very bad effect on the environment. This is something I need to work on. I have friends in GM labs who may be able to produce a GM parsnip which doesn't cause excessive methane production. I know I want everyone to eat parsnips, but I don't want the environment to suffer.

This is quite a dilemma!

You should! Only parsnip eaters will inherit the Earth. I am a Reverend, you see, and I have the ability to talk to God and tell him all about you lot who don't eat parsnips. You're sick!

Parsnips are like chocolate to me. But far more healthier.

It's good to be alive. Life is fantastic, and today I will mostly be examining the contents of my ear. Wax! Yummy!