Saturday, August 07, 2004
Saturday Slump
Sometimes on a Saturday, I like to just whip out a hammock and relax all day in the Vicarage Orchard. However, this can be difficult when you have very busy main roads all around the place.
Sometimes I miss the quietness of Mevagissey. Then, I recall certain occasions in a double hammock with Mrs Gosworth. I say! I hold Mevagissey very dear in my heart, and that is why I destroyed it. The Love was overwhelming me. As a Good Christian, only certain levels of Love are healthy. Beyond that, and it becomes a Sin! A dirty, filthy, stinking, rotten Sin!
That is The Gospel Truth.
But today, I have decided to work on my sermon for tomorrow. I don't have any ideas what to write about. So I'll borrow from Steven King's book, and write about a writer having writer's block. It will be The Parable of the Pen.
I'm sure my Flock are going to like this one. I will post it here tomorrow!
Sometimes I miss the quietness of Mevagissey. Then, I recall certain occasions in a double hammock with Mrs Gosworth. I say! I hold Mevagissey very dear in my heart, and that is why I destroyed it. The Love was overwhelming me. As a Good Christian, only certain levels of Love are healthy. Beyond that, and it becomes a Sin! A dirty, filthy, stinking, rotten Sin!
That is The Gospel Truth.
But today, I have decided to work on my sermon for tomorrow. I don't have any ideas what to write about. So I'll borrow from Steven King's book, and write about a writer having writer's block. It will be The Parable of the Pen.
I'm sure my Flock are going to like this one. I will post it here tomorrow!
Friday, August 06, 2004
A Chance Encounter
This morning I met an old friend of mine in a remarkable co-incidence. We were both down in the scrap yard looking for new curtain pelmets for our residences, when we bumped heads.
It was my old Choir Master from when I was a lad. He didn't look a day over 95! I shook his hand firmly, and the old bastard nearly crumbled into thin air. But apart from that, the rotting teeth, the Zimmer frame and the smell, he is still a fine figure of a man.
I was very pleased to meet him again. Back in the days, I never knew any other Choir Master who was able to get so much out of His Boys. His leadership was exemplary, and his singing with beautiful: like a Siren Song. I was always astonished at how high he could sing, but he later exposed himself as a castrati. As a young boy, I didn't quite understand what that entailed until it was demonstrated to us all.
I have asked him over to the Vicarage for a cup of tea and a slice of Battenburg cake tomorrow.
There, we will hatch a new plan.
We will launch the Milton Keynes Gospel (and Urban "Bling!" Rap) Choir!
And We Will Be Invited to Perform at Carnegie Hall!
Let there be no doubt: The Parsnip Will Prevail!
It was my old Choir Master from when I was a lad. He didn't look a day over 95! I shook his hand firmly, and the old bastard nearly crumbled into thin air. But apart from that, the rotting teeth, the Zimmer frame and the smell, he is still a fine figure of a man.
I was very pleased to meet him again. Back in the days, I never knew any other Choir Master who was able to get so much out of His Boys. His leadership was exemplary, and his singing with beautiful: like a Siren Song. I was always astonished at how high he could sing, but he later exposed himself as a castrati. As a young boy, I didn't quite understand what that entailed until it was demonstrated to us all.
I have asked him over to the Vicarage for a cup of tea and a slice of Battenburg cake tomorrow.
There, we will hatch a new plan.
We will launch the Milton Keynes Gospel (and Urban "Bling!" Rap) Choir!
And We Will Be Invited to Perform at Carnegie Hall!
Let there be no doubt: The Parsnip Will Prevail!
Thursday, August 05, 2004
When the North Wind Doth Blow...
We shall have Snow. Today, as an experiment in sociology, I removed my dog collar, donned a Kappa tracksuit and wondered around Milton Keynes looking for a place to cash a fraudulently acquired dole cheque.
It seems the closure of all the Post Offices is causing real turmoil amongst the Good Good People of Milton Keynes. These days they have to get a bus before they can cash their giro cheques (or "welfare checks" for my American-Impaired Visitors). Clearly, this is not acceptable, as they need to pay for such bus journeys, and yet, they do not have the money, because the only money to their name is stored safely in Giro Cheque Format.
The solution: MK Metro Bus Services must install Giro cheque readers and cashing facilities forthwith. That would get people onto public transport. Oho!
This is an intriguing proposal. If spread across the whole of the UK, all dolescum would use the bus more regularly, and it could cut greenhouse emissions by 90%... as everyone knows that all Dole Scum have their own cars, sometimes even two. After all, they need to drive 100metres round the corner to take their kids to school, otherwise they wouldn't get back in time for Trisha! (The UK's best answer to Jerry Springer)
But there'd have to be some sort of way to stop people from cashing their cheque and jumping off the bus immediately. Perhaps buses need to have armed guards on them. Mind you, there are already armed guards on most of Milton Keynes's bus services. You never know which little scum of a child is going to pull out a Swiss Army Knife next!
Then again, I have also seen 20-odd year old males and females squeezing into their tracksuits from when they were 14, donning a cap and sticking their face behind a zipped up jacket in order to get away with a child fare. Disgraceful!
After cashing my cheque, I made my way to the nearest Bargain Booze, whereby I purchased 8 Aces, White Lightning and four bottle of Lambrini.
Now I have sobered up (because these things wear off in under an hour) I have decided that I can see the attractions of living like Common Pond Scum. It's simple, it's easy, and it's totally free!
All Hail Left-Wing Socialists, and Their Glorious Creation, The Welfare State! All Hail Gordon Brown and His Mighty Giro Cheques!
It seems the closure of all the Post Offices is causing real turmoil amongst the Good Good People of Milton Keynes. These days they have to get a bus before they can cash their giro cheques (or "welfare checks" for my American-Impaired Visitors). Clearly, this is not acceptable, as they need to pay for such bus journeys, and yet, they do not have the money, because the only money to their name is stored safely in Giro Cheque Format.
The solution: MK Metro Bus Services must install Giro cheque readers and cashing facilities forthwith. That would get people onto public transport. Oho!
This is an intriguing proposal. If spread across the whole of the UK, all dolescum would use the bus more regularly, and it could cut greenhouse emissions by 90%... as everyone knows that all Dole Scum have their own cars, sometimes even two. After all, they need to drive 100metres round the corner to take their kids to school, otherwise they wouldn't get back in time for Trisha! (The UK's best answer to Jerry Springer)
But there'd have to be some sort of way to stop people from cashing their cheque and jumping off the bus immediately. Perhaps buses need to have armed guards on them. Mind you, there are already armed guards on most of Milton Keynes's bus services. You never know which little scum of a child is going to pull out a Swiss Army Knife next!
Then again, I have also seen 20-odd year old males and females squeezing into their tracksuits from when they were 14, donning a cap and sticking their face behind a zipped up jacket in order to get away with a child fare. Disgraceful!
After cashing my cheque, I made my way to the nearest Bargain Booze, whereby I purchased 8 Aces, White Lightning and four bottle of Lambrini.
Now I have sobered up (because these things wear off in under an hour) I have decided that I can see the attractions of living like Common Pond Scum. It's simple, it's easy, and it's totally free!
All Hail Left-Wing Socialists, and Their Glorious Creation, The Welfare State! All Hail Gordon Brown and His Mighty Giro Cheques!
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Decisions
The Left path is often more successful than the Right path. But the Right path is always more joyous than the Wrong path. Yet, the Wrong path can bring more danger, excitement, and ultimately may bring such joy that it feels like the Right path after all.
This dangerous distortion of our perception is something that we, as Good God-Fearing Christians and Parsnip Fans must work upon destroying. This type of muddled thinking is typical of today's wooly-liberal age where people are gay one day, straight the next and fucking animals on the Third Day, instead of Rising Again.
IT MUST BE STOPPED! If we are to save humanity, and stop us falling off the edge of the Earth and being smashed by the Lord God Jesus High Christ The Almighty across the cosmos, we must return to the Day of The Rope.
String all felons up! Including the bastards who've just bricked my window again. Little shits. I'm going to call their parents and tell them I'm going to get their dole cheques stopped.
Hit them where it hurts! Right In The Pocket And Then The Scum Parents Can No Longer Purchase Their Heroin! They will come grovelling to me for forgiveness, and then I will show them how the Day of The Rope has Never Died in the Parsnip Residence!
Respect The Parsnip! Or His Powers Of Dole Cheque Acquisition May Come Into Force With Drastic Consequences, Loss Of Blood And Loss Of Teeth!
This dangerous distortion of our perception is something that we, as Good God-Fearing Christians and Parsnip Fans must work upon destroying. This type of muddled thinking is typical of today's wooly-liberal age where people are gay one day, straight the next and fucking animals on the Third Day, instead of Rising Again.
IT MUST BE STOPPED! If we are to save humanity, and stop us falling off the edge of the Earth and being smashed by the Lord God Jesus High Christ The Almighty across the cosmos, we must return to the Day of The Rope.
String all felons up! Including the bastards who've just bricked my window again. Little shits. I'm going to call their parents and tell them I'm going to get their dole cheques stopped.
Hit them where it hurts! Right In The Pocket And Then The Scum Parents Can No Longer Purchase Their Heroin! They will come grovelling to me for forgiveness, and then I will show them how the Day of The Rope has Never Died in the Parsnip Residence!
Respect The Parsnip! Or His Powers Of Dole Cheque Acquisition May Come Into Force With Drastic Consequences, Loss Of Blood And Loss Of Teeth!
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Ask Teh Rev: Week 6
A couple of days ago I was sent an Important E-mail from a Big Fan of mine, Tony in Australia. It is satisfying to know that The Way of the Parsnip is reaching such distant shores. Thanks, Tone.
In his e-mail he asked this simple, but essential question:
"how shall thee repenteth of thy wickedness and cast the rod upon thine own loins ?"
It is clear that Tony is asking me about an incident in the Bible where Jesus (who is not my favourite Biblical character) pays a visit to the Harlets, Jessies, Whores and Hoes of Saddam and Good Morrow. In it, Jesus proclaims:
"Fear the Lord God! For it is only through fear that you will be able to repent of your wicked sins! God has spoken to me! He has proclaimed that your path into Heaven is not assured. However, he can make a sacred covenant with you if you entertain My Wishes. To be assured entry, you will flaggelate yourselves across the buttocks with your S&M whips until He, and I, Are Satisfied! And My Hunger for Satisfaction Is Indeed Great at this time, for I do not have a Wife!"
Then, verily, Jesus pulled up a deckchair, grabbed a box of Kleenex and chose to watch the exciting display of self-discipline. There he sat for several hours.
Funnily enough, this version of the incident did not make it into the Bible, as children may read it, and it may fill their heads with impure and unclean thoughts. However, it is perfectly OK for them to read vital passages such as the following, since they are the Beginning of a Good Christian:
However, the Way of the Parsnip also has another option for saving yourself. It involves baking a Parsnip Stew immediately and consuming it at the earliest possible opportunity.
Save Yourself With a Parsnip Stew! Your Sins Will Be Baked Away And Your Passage Into Parsnippery Will Be Assured! Take Heed, Or You Will Be Punished! I Am Watching You! My Eyes See All!
Remove Your Hands From Your Trousers! Immediately!
Fear The Parsnip!
In his e-mail he asked this simple, but essential question:
"how shall thee repenteth of thy wickedness and cast the rod upon thine own loins ?"
It is clear that Tony is asking me about an incident in the Bible where Jesus (who is not my favourite Biblical character) pays a visit to the Harlets, Jessies, Whores and Hoes of Saddam and Good Morrow. In it, Jesus proclaims:
"Fear the Lord God! For it is only through fear that you will be able to repent of your wicked sins! God has spoken to me! He has proclaimed that your path into Heaven is not assured. However, he can make a sacred covenant with you if you entertain My Wishes. To be assured entry, you will flaggelate yourselves across the buttocks with your S&M whips until He, and I, Are Satisfied! And My Hunger for Satisfaction Is Indeed Great at this time, for I do not have a Wife!"
Then, verily, Jesus pulled up a deckchair, grabbed a box of Kleenex and chose to watch the exciting display of self-discipline. There he sat for several hours.
Funnily enough, this version of the incident did not make it into the Bible, as children may read it, and it may fill their heads with impure and unclean thoughts. However, it is perfectly OK for them to read vital passages such as the following, since they are the Beginning of a Good Christian:
"And if a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water, and be unclean until the evening. And every garment and every skin on which the semen comes shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the evening. If a man lies with a woman and has an emission of semen, both of them shall bathe themselves in water and be unclean until the evening." -Leviticus 15:16-18or the Important
"Therefore fathers shall eat their sons in the midst of you and sons shall eat their fathers...I will send famine and wild beasts against you and they shall rob you of your children; pestilence and blood shall pass through you; and I will bring a sword upon you. I, the Lord, have spoken." -Ezekiel 5:10, 5:17And The Lord has Again Spoken This Evening, Via Me! For only by observing this advice will you repent on the wickedness so required to Free you of Sin, and thus follow the Word of God, and thus, logically, the Way of the Parsnip.
However, the Way of the Parsnip also has another option for saving yourself. It involves baking a Parsnip Stew immediately and consuming it at the earliest possible opportunity.
Save Yourself With a Parsnip Stew! Your Sins Will Be Baked Away And Your Passage Into Parsnippery Will Be Assured! Take Heed, Or You Will Be Punished! I Am Watching You! My Eyes See All!
Remove Your Hands From Your Trousers! Immediately!
Fear The Parsnip!
Monday, August 02, 2004
Slide
This morning I have had a great slide installed in my Vicarage Orchard. It reminds me of my childhood years in which I would spend inordinate amounts of time on a slide in the local park.
I think the other attraction was that nearby we had growing a small cannabis plant, which we often attempted to toke unsuccessfully. I'm a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker.
But the slide is a necessary construction. It gives me a chance to attract children of all ages into my Parsnip Den, where they can join in the exciting scientific experiments I have going on at the moment. I find that it is much easier to attract the children at an earlier age, and they will be converted to the Way of the Parsnip with great ease.
One such experiment I have going on at the moment involves injecting Wicked Evil Turnips with Viagra to see if they will erect into Parsnips. If successful, this will be my latest plan to rid the world of the Turnip.
Now, leave me be. I have business to attend to.
I think the other attraction was that nearby we had growing a small cannabis plant, which we often attempted to toke unsuccessfully. I'm a joker, a smoker, and a midnight toker.
But the slide is a necessary construction. It gives me a chance to attract children of all ages into my Parsnip Den, where they can join in the exciting scientific experiments I have going on at the moment. I find that it is much easier to attract the children at an earlier age, and they will be converted to the Way of the Parsnip with great ease.
One such experiment I have going on at the moment involves injecting Wicked Evil Turnips with Viagra to see if they will erect into Parsnips. If successful, this will be my latest plan to rid the world of the Turnip.
Now, leave me be. I have business to attend to.
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Sunday Service Number Five
It's been an interesting day. The Sunday Service went off without incident. The Collection Plate reached a dizzy height of some three thousand pounds, and I have kept cool in the Scorching Milton Keynes sun by swanning about the town completely starkers.
It seems the Police of Milton Keynes are quite used to my naturist-inspired rambles through the town now, as they don't bother to arrest me. Indeed, I saw a fine pair of young Women Police Constables today walking the beat with naught but their caps and batons for dignity.
It's possible, I suppose, that I could have strolled into the Red Light District again. But one of the police officers assured me of her credentials by revealing her papers concealed within her flap.
On my way home I noticed that there was a large door in the middle of the road outside my Vicarage. The door was old and from the 1950s. I am a door expert, and I am blessed with an ability to see which door will be appropriate for which house. Indeed, I have made several thousand pounds in consultancy fees for a forthcoming Channel 4 series, "How Old Is Your Door?".
I have taken this door and stored it for safe keeping. One never knows when one needs a rotting, moulding, creaking, warped piece of wood. Maybe I'll burn some Heathens next to it in honour of this find.
It seems the Police of Milton Keynes are quite used to my naturist-inspired rambles through the town now, as they don't bother to arrest me. Indeed, I saw a fine pair of young Women Police Constables today walking the beat with naught but their caps and batons for dignity.
It's possible, I suppose, that I could have strolled into the Red Light District again. But one of the police officers assured me of her credentials by revealing her papers concealed within her flap.
On my way home I noticed that there was a large door in the middle of the road outside my Vicarage. The door was old and from the 1950s. I am a door expert, and I am blessed with an ability to see which door will be appropriate for which house. Indeed, I have made several thousand pounds in consultancy fees for a forthcoming Channel 4 series, "How Old Is Your Door?".
I have taken this door and stored it for safe keeping. One never knows when one needs a rotting, moulding, creaking, warped piece of wood. Maybe I'll burn some Heathens next to it in honour of this find.
