Parsnips For All

I may be some time.

I'm not a fan of Will Young, and this album is particularly offensive to my Choir boy loving ears. I feel that young William should have been issued corrective therapy while he was in choir to remove that annoying whining drone he has in his voice. But it is too late now!

Still. Another Friday is upon us. I find myself once again with a bottle of Jack Daniels, but this week I also have a bottle of Pimms, which should round off the week in particularly upper-class fashion. Unfortunately, lying in a gutter drowning in my own vomit somewhat puts paid to the aura of nobility and patronage I once exuded.

It has been some days since I considered the state of my Parsnip stock. Things are looking a bit weak at the minute. I believe it is because I have been neglecting my duties in favour of sticking my head inside toilets and bellowing the "Star Spangled Banner" at full volume in order to see what kind of harmonics I can achieve inside different toilet bowls. It has been a fulfilling experience. I have often found public lavatories to be the most enjoyable, once one gets over the initial olfectory assault.

So now I must get back to work. I have Heathens to stuff faces with Parsnip!

A pox upon the vile fiend who e-mailed me the latest all singing and all dancing virus to my Gmail account!

I opened this attachment because it claimed to be a picture of the World's biggest Parsnip, when my screen was overrun with large turnips, all mocking me! They would say things like "I want to defenestrate the Parsnip!" and "Turnips Own Your Ass!"

I nearly died of a coronary as the shock overwhelmed me.

This is why I have missed a day of posting. It is not often that I fall behind, so I thought I owed you all an explanation. But fear not! The Parsnip will have his revenge. I have his IP address, and as I have demonstrated in the past, I am a L33t Ha><0r. Their machine is toast!

You Cannot Keep The Parsnip Down! He Will Always Find A Way Back! And On His Return, His Power and Might Will Have Grown To Proportions No Longer Measureable On Any Human Invented Device!

Your Slide Rules are No Match For Me!

Fear! The! Parsnip!

This week I received a rather suspicious looking question from a person whose name I shall not reveal, for fear that I may incite this individual into some sort of fiendish plot against me.

The Question Was Thus:

"Dear Rev. P.P.,

I'm distressed that you have not received questions. Perhaps this will be of some help.

Milton Keynes is a place, right, not a person?

I had assumed it was a person, perhaps a descendant of J.M. Keynes named for the poet. But then I've heard of Milton Street, which I believe is a town rather than a street. Finally, aren't they building a stadium in Milton Keynes for QPR or Wimbledon or somebody from far away whose fans don't want to go there? That means it must be a place, right?

By the way, in case you've wondering, I've been to Tooting Bec.

I hate looking things up."

Now this concerns me. I have no doubt that this person is trying to disguise themselves as a genuine question with a real interest in the field. Instead, he has other plots in mind. He knows that Milton Keynes is a town. But he's trying to trick me into believing he is All Good. But I know that he is already conniving and scheming to destroy Milton Keynes!

I know I have put down these Bad People in this town in the past. But they do not deserve such treatment from Al Qaeda and their agents. All they want to do is exist peacefully, quietly receiving their Welfare Cheques/Checks on a Monday and Tuesday morning, and watch TV all day. They never did you any harm!

But I shall leap to the rescue! Yes! I see through the fiendish and Devilish plots of The Cabal and Freemasons across the world. You Will Never Fool The Parsnip!

In fact, this may even be an unholy Union of The Cabal, Freemasonry and McDonalds, crossed with a dash of Turnips. If this is true, it turns my stomach. The kind of things they make in biological laboratories these days is truly revolting. I am pleased that I will be not on this Earth for much longer, as there is a terrible monster brewing in a test tube somewhere in Russia!

Yes! Boris Yeltsin is coming back as the Marshmellow Man! The World Will Not Be Safe, As New Boris Rapes and Pillages the land in search for Vodka!

Hang on. He sounds like some of the Foxy Ladies who go out on the piss on Friday nights in Milton Keynes.

Regards,

Your Juxtaposing Reverend.

... followed by a short, a Tequila, a bottle of vodka, three bottles of wine and eight cans of Stella.

That's what I poured all over the neighbour's cat this morning in my attempt to kill the meowing bastard. Alas, all of my shots missed, and so later, when I realised I had nothing left to get myself pissed, I had to lick the garden path and walls.

Of course, this did not paint a good impression of a Reverend. The local children mocked my desperate attempts to ingest some alcohol. Any alcohol.

And it was even worse when my ex-wife walked past.

Not good. But I will Get My Revenge! The Parsnip Always Knocks Twice!

On reading from The Good Book today, I noticed that several members of my congregation were yawning.

This is not unusual, being a Reverend. But it is unusual, being a Parsnip. So I decided to "embellish" the story. I added in a fiendish plot of cunning and intrigue, involving several murders, a decomposed rectum and a shimmering disco ball that only glowed when it was called Percy.

It seemed to liven up the tale of Paul in Caesarea no end. I found it far more enjoyable too. I can't recall why I was reading this passage anyway. I can only conclude that I, in a moment of desperation, had opened to a random page of the Bible, because I was not feeling like the Service was "religious" enough.

After the sermon was concluded, I stepped outside to shake everyone's hand on the way out, making a noteable exception for the lepers in Milton Keynes and other nefarious types who I wouldn't be seen dead with. It is the Christian thing to do! I cast them out into the fire of Ignorance! God would not have put up with such disgusting people in His day.

I'm not sure if His day will ever come. I shake my head in disapproval at the sorry state of Milton Keynes. They do not Understand! Their Perfect Town Planning Method is a sheer disaster!

God does not approve of Perfect Town Planning! All of Those who Live In Sin in pre-planned Towns will be Judged at His Right Hand, And Judged Good!

Fortunately, I am excepted, because of my humble upbringing in Mevagissey. Another convenient co-incidental Relief for The Parsnip!