Parsnips For All

http://www.wegmans.com/kitchen/ingredients/produce/vegetables/parsnips.asp

The creator of this page obviously knows what they're talking about! They understand the significance of the Parsnip. They know that only through thorough knowledge of the Way of the Parsnip can you reap the significant benefits available to you!

I quote:

Selection: Look for small to medium, well-shaped roots. Avoid limp, shriveled or spotted parsnips.

And I concur wholeheartedly! The limp and shrivelled parsnip is a total waste of time. You cannot gain any benefit from one so flaccid. Spotted parsnips are also sign of a disease! Beware!

Instead, only trust the Power of the Parsnip, whose Parsnip is prominent, strong, sturdy and, best of all, Powerful. Only through consumption of such will one attain full greatness.

However, the remainder of this page leaves me concerned. The writer does not once advocate the joys of eating Raw Parsnip. There is no need for this:

To bring out their sweetness, season with nutmeg, ginger, mace or cinnamon and a little brown sugar

Such blasphemy! On further consideration, I am unable to tolerate such liberal and diverse ways! These have no place within the Way of the Parsnip!

Be warned! Do not idolise false Gods such as the writer of this page! They may well know what they're talking about, but they have clearly been influenced by some shocking substance. I suspect that this is the result of sniffing glue while in their troublesome teens. They crave danger and the sweet results that can be found from conquering it! Nutmeg, ginger, mace, cimmamon and brown sugar... all clearly signs that their brains have been tarnished and addled!

There is no danger in a Raw Parsnip. But it is the best way.

It is the Only Way.

Fear the Parsnip!

I counted all my pennies in my Secret Collection Plate Stash this morning and it amounted to this princely sum.

Clearly it is not enough.

It is time for the Parsnip to devise a scheme. A scheme so cunning and wicked that it will be forever remembered as one of the most devious and daring in history.

As yet I am unsure what the plan will be. But I know that whatever I create it will be a Glorious Success. It must be something through which I can make obscene amounts of money, and also, if possible, raise the profile of the Parsnip immensely through an audacious plot.

I know that the Good Lord will provide. I know he is on my side. And if he isn't, I shall be converting to Islam forthwith. This is going to be the real test.

We will soon know if God Believes in the Way of the Parsnip! If God is a Heathen, then I fear the worst... the Human race will soon be doomed to forever eat the Turnip.

But I Know That This Will Not Happen!

Strike Down the Sinners!

The Party Commences at Dawn!

On the first of a new month I like to fling open to the door to the Vicarage at approximately 5am and release the cock I have penned in my house all month. This is the only use I find for it, although I do look after it in any case. I feed it well and bathe it every now and then. I've kept this a secret from you up until now, but I believe that now is the right time to tell this.

But yes, I release my cock and it bellows an almighty wail to punctuate the end of the previous month and the beginning of a new one. I always perform this ceremony completely naked as otherwise it ruins the mystical vibes of the event. It's almost like Summer Solstice, only this is much better as it happens every month, rather than once a year.

Then, I offer thanks and praise to the Lord Our God for keeping me safe the previous month, and pray for my continued safety in the coming month. I do not need to pray that I continue to do the good work as God intended, as this automatically happens anyway. Instead, I pray that Our Fickle God does not fall victim to the temptations of sorcery, witchcraft, voodoo dolls, Jumbo Sized McFlurrys and The Hallowed Mars Bar.

For too Many Mars Bars can cause severe blockage of spiritual energy! They fill up the chakras with chocolately goop, and cause one to no longer Receive the Message of the Parsnip!

I bestow this wisdom upon you now, as it has been Learned by the Learned Parsnip over the past 24 hours. Gosh darn it! Raves, ecstasy and drug-fuelled acid trips do not mix well with continued consumption of the Mars Bar!

Pray for the Parsnip's Swift Recovery! And He Will Judge You Kindly!

The Rev cannot possibly perform today due to the atrocious weather conditions sweeping across these Fair Isles of the United Kingdom.

I tried to go out into the garden of my vicarage but I noticed that it actually isn't a garden. It's a yard. Flagged all the way across. Not a square of soil in which I can grow my Important Plants (two of very special importance, oho!)

So I'm going to have to make some adjustments. But not today.

I think I'll listen to some acid-fused trance instead. That ought to blow the cobwebs of this miserable weather away.

RAVE IN THE VICARAGE!!! ALL ARE INVITED!!!

I had an absolutely bulging postbag last week after I started up Ask The Rev Your Questions.

So I searched long and hard and located my favourite one. Here it is:

"Dear Reverend Parson Peter Parsnip,

I enjoy your journal and I find it a great comfort to me. I have always believed in the Way of the Parsnip, even before I discovered that there was a True Leader amongst us. Now I feel safe in the knowledge that there is someone leading us to True Victory. Hail The Parsnip!

But there is something troubling me at present.

When I go outside and look up to the sky, all I see around me are stars. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, my chip pan catches fire and burns quite considerably.

What does this mean?

Your faithful servant,

Rachel Roberts."

First off, Rachel, I thank you for your e-mail. It is encouraging to know that I have fans out there who I can count on and trust to spread the word.

Clearly what you see is a vision from Hell itself. Anything involving fire is almost certainly sent by Satan in order to burn down your defences. Alternatively, there is a small possibility that localised fires are being started by McDonalds in order to eliminate certain elements with the Parsnip Family.

If so, then this is a deeply worrying development. It means that they have a central database of addresses of fans of the Way of The Parsnip. If this is the case, then it means a new front has opened in the War.

Then again, it may even have been a message from me. It has been known for me to disturb the cooking of others if they are not cooking Parsnips. You were cooking potatoes... this is only slightly less heathenous than cooking a miserable turnip. Potatoes are fluffy and white inside... far too Virginal for my liking. I could have tossed in a match while you weren't looking.

Last time I went to a restaurant, for example, I noticed that the soup of the day was Turnip Soup. So I stormed straight into the kitchen and bellowed at the chef:

"HOW DARE YOU COOK TURNIPS IN THE PRESENCE OF THE PARSNIP!!! IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!! FACE MY WRATH OR BE JUDGED AT THE HAND OF GOD, WHERE HE WILL CONDEMN YOU TO HELL!!"

I then reached for the pot of Turnip Soup and poured it all over the chef. He suffered 94% burns. This Punishment was justified, as it was exacted from the hand of God himself. As before, the punishment was coupled with God's Love. The soup represented God's Love, as it poured all over him and washed his sinning skin clean. It also tore his skin off.

I couldn't believe it when they then arrested me on trumped-up charges of GBH! Fortunately, the jury saw things my way and I was found innocent of all charges. God Bless the Fiercely Independent and Incorruptible Great British Jury System.

I digress. There is another possibility. It is only a remote one, and I do believe that it is extremely unlikely. It is unbelievably dangerous and I worry for all those who are caught in such circumstances. I will pray for divine intervention at the next possible moment.

Yes. It is possible that you left your chip pan cooking while you went out to look at the stars. Fat boils and burns! Beware!

This has been a Public Service Annoucement from Your Loving Parsnip.

Heed It!

If you have a question for the Parsnip, I will answer them every Tuesday.
E-mail me at peterparsnip@gmail.com

... is Parsnip Powered!

You have all seen the clock that runs off a potato.

Well, I have a PC which runs off the Power of the Parsnip!

Parsnips hold a remarkable ability to absorb and hold charge, much like a capacitor. Well, I jammed my Favourite Parsnip into a plug earlier and switched on the mains. Electricity surged through it, and it felt good to be alive.

Then, I stuck it firmly into the power connector at the back of the computer. Lo and behold, it generated enough electricity to power the thing quite considerably.

So once more I have found a new reason for Loving the Parsnip. Another excellent use for the world's most versatile, and most friendly, vegetable is discovered. Can you imagine getting a miserable turnip to hold electrical charge? What arrant nonsense that would be! Poppycock and balderdash, even!

So now I will craft a new PC badge. You know, instead of saying "Intel inside" it will say "PARSNIP INSIDE!! FEAR IT!! IT HAS THE POWER TO POWER THIS COMPUTER!! DO NOT TOUCH OR IT WILL KILL YOU FOR INTERFERING IN ITS ALMIGHTY POWERFUL POWER!!! BOW BEFORE IT!!!"

Respect The Parsnip, and I will continue to push the envelope and expand the boundaries of thinking with new and exciting uses for it.

Non-abstract thinkers Need Not Apply!

It's been a remarkably quiet day. I have decided to spend it talking to my Parsnips.

Today's Sunday Service was busy, but I did not feel I had the energy to pull off another superb performance as I did last week. Instead, I just scared the living shit out of the Scum by telling them about Satan and his red hot poker. Also, the dangers of eating from McDonalds, which appeared to be a serious shock to most people there. It seems that a lot of the fat bastards in Milton Keynes have no life and no prospects.

So they gorge themselves on McDonalds for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Indeed, I managed to extract a confession from an elderly man that he had eaten more than one Turnip Tower. I let people off with one. But two is no accident.

I shook the bastard till all his money fell out of his coat, and then put said money into the Collection Fund. Then I roared a Voodoo Curse on him, telling everyone that if anything goes wrong in their lives over the next seven days, it will because of This Evil Man! It will be him to blame, for he has Upset The Parsnip, and when The Parsnip is not Happy, then God May Intervene With Fearful Vengeance!

May God Have Mercy On Their Souls!