Parsnips For All

As A Reverend, it is important that I know all of the latest dance moves. Indeed, back int he 70s I was quite a Dance Queen, strutting about on the dance floor to the Hallowed Strains of God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols. Indeed, it was often quipped at the time that people would sing that song about me. Although, of course, there was a future for me, as My Words and Writings Now Testify!

The relevance of all this is the fact that I know all the words and dance moves to the song "Saturday Night" by Whigfield. It's a timeless classic that topped the British charts, and all in the world should hear this fabulous tune!

Tonight, I shall be performing it. Live.

And Tonight, The Disco Dance Queen Shall Return! As Tonight, I will hit the dance floors of Milton Keynes and boogy on down to some Hot Hot Music!

My Hips Will Gyrate! Accidental collisions with others may Ensue, and May Lead To a certain Fumbling Liason in True 70s fashion in the back of a Lada.

God Save The Queen!

This morning I noticed there was a beam in my eye of extraordinary size. This is not the first time that this has happened, and I often wonder who on Earth is doing this.

But once I consulted the mirror, I had a vivid recollection of an experience during the night involving a McDonalds employee. He was wearing his crew uniform, with several badges for keeping the toilets in good order, and then flipping burgers successfully, though not necessarily in that order.

The bastard came up to me with a beam and stuck it deep within my eye and forced me to eat a Turnip Tower!

Fortunately, this was only a dream, else I would have had to cut open my intestines to remove the evil Turnip from my body, as the process of expungement would take far too long. Eating Turnips against my will has always been one of my biggest fears. It's rape, in a fashion.

Anyway, I attempted to pull this beam out of my eye, but it proved far too difficult; it was going nowhere fast. As you can imagine, it made for movement around and about all day quite difficult, so I Fearlessly gouged out my eye, which solved the problem.

All Hail The Rev! For He Has No Quandary In Sacrificing A Part Of His Body To Make Himself Feel Better! He Is A Bold Individual! Next Time You Are Dying With A Hangover, I Suggest You Try The Same Thing By Chopping Off Your Head.

The whole world sighs with Him.

It is with a heavy heart that I report the death of my beloved pet, Bob. Bob was my favourite hamster. It was crafted out of a parsnippery shape, and other bits of vegetables and stuff were attached to make it out as if it looked like a hamster. At least, it was a hamster eventually.

You see, it was crafted by a small child in Mevagissey, aged about five. It was supposed to be a donkey made out of vegetables. But it was a miserable failure.

He was a miserable failure. I told him in no uncertain terms. I roared in his face, and thrashed him with my Cane. But I accepted his gift nevertheless, and I told him that I would place it in my window, so that as he passed my house every day on his way to school he would be continually reminded of his Total and Utter Failure. Only by such Punishment and Shame do Children ever Learn to Escape from making a complete Failure out of their lives.

But indeed! The Bible also educates that Children need not sin at all for us to issue them with severe punishments. This is Supreme!

"I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me..." - Exodus 20:5-6

So next time you see a child, thrash them around the ear and administer a swift kick in the nads. You Have Good Reason, and The Courts Will Smile Upon You As The Bible Is Your Moral Compass! All Families Have Sinned! I Have No Doubt that someone's grandmother's aunty's great-cousin lied with a Beast!

The Parsnip Shines Upon Those Who Follow His Word! But Do Not Ask Him For Assistance With Your Legal Fees! I Have Enough Of Those Of My Own!

Sealed with a Kiss,

The Parsnip

First of the Month. It is now September, and the year is nearly over. The Year In Which The Parsnip First Bloomed On The Internet.

The Year In Which more people gained access to the Way of the Parsnip for the first time in their miserable histories. I hope I have brought much joy, but brutal discipline, to many people's lives in the past couple of months. I Love You All, Yet At All Times I Retain a Correct level of Distance from you, as A Good Reverend Should.

It is a Glorious day today. So much so that I may decide to buy a new car, as it is written in the scriptures. You see, it is recorded:

"On new car days: March 1st and September 1st, thou shalt purchaseth a neweth car if the financial situation is correct to do so. From that new car, thou then shalt traverse around the village at 130mph, blasting out Much Rave Music from your new speakers, and throwing glass bottles and bricks at people and other passing cars."

Since I currently have several thousand stashed from a successful bank heist last night, I could not possibly deny God's will. This is one of the few times where God's Will must take precedence over the Way of the Parsnip.

Wish Me Luck! Let us Pray That I Not Get Arrested! For If I Were To Be Arrested, it Would Not Be Me Being Arrested. I would Arrest The Officer and Brutally Torture Him With A Terrible Turnip.

Hail The Parsnip!

An exciting question this week comes from Shiela Bogart of Tunbridge Wells. Unusually, it was written in green ink, which made me all the more intrigued, as green ink lovers are generally of an unstable disposition. I was not disappointed.

"HAIL THE PARSNIP!

Dear Reverend,

I am pleased to report to you this week that I have found the secret of The Way of the Parsnip. It generally involves four slices of parsnip, laid out on a bed of pilau rice. My question to you is whether I should sleep with another woman?

Yours truly,

Shiela Bogart."

I thoroughly enjoyed this question as it aroused such wonderful memories of the time I accidently stumbled upon a brothel specialising in taking care of naughty women. These are exceptionally rare, and so I made full and wholesome use of my time in there. I converted many people to the Way of the Parsnip that night, I can tell you.
I digress.

Sheila... the Bible is very clear on this. It says:

"If a man lies with a male as a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death, their blood is upon them." - Leviticus 20:13

But hang on... you aren't a man, are you? I don't think so, although the name of Shiela often does make me suspicious. It reminds me of the time I... oh wait, perhaps I shouldn't share that story if I want to remain a Vicar.

But believe, Shiela! No matter how much you Love Your Parsnips, you shall not enter into The Kingdom of the Lord, and The Hallowed Halls of the Hollowed Parsnip (the latter is preferable, naturally) if you lie with another woman. The Bible forbids it! I know it does! Somewhere! The Bible Forbids Everything! Except What I Say It Doesn't Forbid!

Now, time to watch a film. I have an excellent idea in mind. It may involve some mud, and some grappling. The title of the film escapes me. But I Shall Enjoy It! And I Certainly Do Not Forbid This! I Recommend It To All. Men In Particular!

I woke up this morning to discover a rather strange mark upon the bedroom ceiling. It was brown and in the shape of a parsnip.

Indeed, the room had the distinct aroma of Parsnips being fried. I looked down and noticed that there in the room, miraculously appearing overnight, was a Large George Foreman Grill.

Everyone knows that George Foreman Grills are the Greatest! After all, QVC does not lie! I have the credit card bills to prove it!

But yes. On the Grill appeared to be a large succulent parsnip. Someone had sliced it up carefully and was grilling it to sublime perfection, and without all the calories and fat one would normally associate with such a grill. But thanks to the George Foreman Grill, once I ate the Parsnips, I felt my excess flab just melting away!

I stood on the scales in the bathroom shortly afterwards and noticed that, indeed, I had lost some eight pounds. Astonishing! I'm now like a rake, and I find it a great ease to slip into something more comfortable. I recommend this to all Fat Americans out there! George Foreman Is Your Friend!

Then, I dashed to my front balcony, opened it and bellowed:

"THE PARSNIP IS NOW UNDER 11 STONE! THE PARSNIP HAS ACHIEVED HIS GOAL VIA WEIGHTWATCHERS! YOU CAN TOO! THE ATKINS DIET IS A FRAUD! THE WAY OF THE PARSNIP IS PURE AND CLEAN CUT! ACKNOWLEDGE IT, AND YOU TOO WILL FEEL GOD'S LOVE IN THE FORM OF LOW MASSES AND A LIGHT SPRING IN YOUR STEP!"

Of course, there was no doubting in my mind who had provided the grill. This was a sign from God himself. He has Finally Seen Fit to Acknowledge that the Way of the Parsnip is all that is Good, and now even God himself is Offering Sacrifices to Me, the Humble Servant of the Way of the Parsnip.

Go forth and spread the Word! And When You Have Spread it, Hail the Parsnip Thrice, and your very own George Foreman Grill will appear right before Your Very Eyes!

As my church was razed to the ground last week, I was forced to attend a joint service at a nearby parish. This was not to my liking, as the Reverend in my next parish is an 80 year old miserable bastard. I don't think he would ever be Fitting to be a Preacher of Parsnippery Ways.

So, I spent most of the service standing behind him making obscene gestures with my hands above the Old Cunt's head. I went down a total storm with the congregation, and at the end they both shook me by the hand and told me that they were very impressed, considering that they'd only stumbled in because they thought it was a Catholic service, and all that entails with the free booze.

Upon my return to my Vicarage I noticed that there was an unusual note nailed to the door. At first I thought the Black Death had returned - anything is possible in Milton Keynes - but then I discovered that it was actually from my new Wife.

It read:

"Dear Rev,

You are a total shit. Your Parsnip is too limp.

Yours ever,

New Wife"

I was Sure it was a Joke, because No One Calls My Parsnip Limp! It is Prime, Powerful and Ready To Go At Any Opportunity. But it didn't seem to be the case, as she still hasn't returned.

So she lasted a day. Damn it...

Oh well. I guess it's back to "Curious Centrefold Curates Weekly"