Parsnips For All

First of the Month. It is now September, and the year is nearly over. The Year In Which The Parsnip First Bloomed On The Internet.

The Year In Which more people gained access to the Way of the Parsnip for the first time in their miserable histories. I hope I have brought much joy, but brutal discipline, to many people's lives in the past couple of months. I Love You All, Yet At All Times I Retain a Correct level of Distance from you, as A Good Reverend Should.

It is a Glorious day today. So much so that I may decide to buy a new car, as it is written in the scriptures. You see, it is recorded:

"On new car days: March 1st and September 1st, thou shalt purchaseth a neweth car if the financial situation is correct to do so. From that new car, thou then shalt traverse around the village at 130mph, blasting out Much Rave Music from your new speakers, and throwing glass bottles and bricks at people and other passing cars."

Since I currently have several thousand stashed from a successful bank heist last night, I could not possibly deny God's will. This is one of the few times where God's Will must take precedence over the Way of the Parsnip.

Wish Me Luck! Let us Pray That I Not Get Arrested! For If I Were To Be Arrested, it Would Not Be Me Being Arrested. I would Arrest The Officer and Brutally Torture Him With A Terrible Turnip.

Hail The Parsnip!