Parsnips For All

Yesterday I made the "mistake" of travelling on the London Underground. I decided to visit the Millennium Dome (I'm friends with Paul McCartney, who is currently practicising there with his band. He's a big fan of the Way of the Parsnip, being a vegetarian, etc.)... but I wasn't counting on a major power failure while I was travelling along the Jubilee line.

All of a sudden the train started slowing down... and it came it a halt. The lights went out, and up came the very dim emergency backup lighting. The driver, clearly possessed by some Turnip Obsession, stepped out from the drivers cabin and bellowed

"THE TERRORISTS HAVE CUT THE POWER!!!"

There was immediate chaos and panic. I remained calm and dignified, as a Parsnip should do in such situations. All around people were desperately trying to break the glass, but it was too strong for the little hammers they have in the train.

Getting sick of the noise, I stood up and Roared:

"YOU WILL ALL BE CONDEMNED TO A LIFETIME OF GETTING TURNIPS STUCK UP YOUR ARSE IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL IF YOU DON'T BE QUIET!! THE DRIVER IS POSSESSED BY A TURNIP! LOOK AT HIS EYES! THEY ARE THE PIT OF EVIL! YOU CAN SEE REFLECTIONS OF TURNIPS DEEP WITHIN THE PUPIL IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY! THE SIGN OF A POSSESSED MAN! EVIL! DEMONS!"

The driver cowered in the corner as I blasted him into submission by beginning an impromptu rendition of "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life." My loving fans took it all in their stride, even joining in at the whistling part.

Then, I seized the opportunity.

"THIS! IS! A! PARSNIP!"

I exposed my favourite Parsnip for all to see. The one which is attached to me and I carry around everywhere.

Shocked gasps went up from the crowd as I held it aloft.

"BOW BEFORE THE PARSNIP! IT WILL SAVE YOU IF YOU REVERE IT! ONLY BY THE USE OF THE PARSNIP WILL WE GET THE POWER BACK ON AND GET TO OUR RESPECTIVE DESTINATIONS!"

This is a new tactic for me. Normally I try to gently persuade people. But here, I was forcing it upon them. I was surprised that it actually worked! They all got down on their knees, except the Heretic Driver.

The driver quipped:

"What are you going to do with that miserable shrivelled thing? It wouldn't fit up anything!"

He was not expecting to eat his words. And Eat Them He Did, when I smashed in his skull with the Parsnip and forced him to eat it clean. I knew I'd have use for my favourite parsnip one day.

Cheers went up from the crowd, and I then I said:

"THE PARSNIP WILL NOW TAKE YOU HOME! ALL HAIL PARSNIP!"

I went into the driver's cabin and pressed the ignition.

It seems the driver had turned off the engine.

The Turnips must have rotted his brain!

Here endeth the lesson. Hail the Parsnip!

He shall arrive on Earth in a giant spaceship shaped like a parsnip. No joke of a lie. I've heard it from Him in my dreams last night. He knows where it's at... and I was especially excited when He told me that the first thing He'll do when he steps out of the spaceship is KILL everyone who grows turnips. I wanted Him to kill everyone who eats turnips as well, but He decided that that would be too vindictive.

Yesterday I spent my time visiting Canary Wharf. I had a special meeting with the Executives of the Mirror newspaper, and there we decided that if I slip them a few hoax photographs of soldiers eating turnips - INSTEAD OF PARSNIPS LIKE THEY SHOULD DO! - they will publish them as long as I secure them a place at the Right Hand side of the Lord.

This pleased me greatly. Look out for the photos soon! They will finally convince people that turnips are WRONG WRONG WRONG! Their bulbous shape is wholly inappropriate for correct usage by most right thinking people.

Afterwards, I went up to the top of Canary Wharf and threw out a mighty Siren Song all about Parsnips. I'm sure that the whole of London heard, as a few minutes later on the Vegetable Stock Exchange, the prices of 1kg bags of parsnips had gone through the roof. Demand was surging! The Lord looked upon all of those who had parsnip stew or soup, or even raw parsnips, very favourably last night! And it will improve their regularity! Thames Water will never have dealt with such huge amounts of waste all at once!

I am really making a big impact here in London. There are less Heathens here than in Mevagissey. But I feel that it will soon be time to move on...

My best laid plans for yesterday were ruined by the inconsiderate actions of a few others, who must clearly be in league with McDonalds and/or Satan.

I decided to pay a visit to Parliament and watch Prime Ministers Questions in action. Little old me managed to use his influence (a quick Parsnip Examination with a very attractive female MP, oho!) to get into the Public Gallery in front of the new screen they have. I had a clear view of the PM.

But then some fucker decided to throw a bag of purple cornflower into the chamber at the PM! Chaos ensued, and I felt like killing the bastard who'd done this as they'd taken my thunder.

In only another minute I was about to unleash a wave of parsnips onto the PM and the front bench (which I had sneaked in upon my person, (or parson)) roaring, "THE WAY OF THE PARSNIP IS FOREVER! SAVE YOURSELVES BY EATING PARSNIPS!" while I'd be dragged out of the chamber by burly security guards... although, of course, I could have slipped them a Parsnip up their backsides and made my daring escape.

My opportunity was ruined. I had no choice but to leave with no success.

So I made my way into the Central Lobby where I planted several of my favourite parsnips behind numerous radiators. With a bit of luck, in a few weeks time they will have rotted to buggery, and the smell will be atrocious! Knowing how overreactive they are, they'll probably think they're being attacked by sarin gas or something.

But No! It will merely be a message from the Parsnip!

Bow before it! Legislate to make Parsnip Growth a compulsory part of being a British Citizen!

Hail the Parsnip!

One of these days I'm going to find out who is behind all these strange voices I hear talking out of my favourite pen. This morning they woke me up from my hotel slumber at 3am to tell me all about the plight of the streetlights that burn all day because some bird has crapped on the light sensor.

This was most disturbing as I really don't think this is appropriate. I have long thought that the pen must be communicating messages from God, and in times gone by it has instructed me to demonstrate the Power of the Parsnip's parsnips to the Old Dears, as well as teaching me the best way to eliminate my rivals at the bowling green.

But now God wants me to help solve the problem of streetlights being on all day? This is something new, and I may be right to suspect that McDonalds have something to do with this. They have attuned into God's Humble Frequency and are attempting to brainwash me from the inside! There is only room for one brainwashing inside my head, and that is to receive the Pure and Loving Thoughts of the Almighty!

This will not do! I will Strike at McDonalds. And I will strike Today! Clearly the ransacking of the South Bank McDonalds in London wasn't good enough. God Willing, the Parsnip will prevail!

PS: there is no contradiction between God's Love and wreaking a terrible vengeance by wishing for a plague to strike down the employees of McDonalds.

This is merely the Way of the Parsnip! It is the only way to Get Things Done!

I've never spent the night in a police cell, but last night I did. I wasn't expecting what happened... but now I reflect I realise it probably wasn't such a good idea. I just wish they had the internet in the cells so I could have communicated this to you earlier!

You see, I invented a fake warrant and pretended to be a plain clothes police officer visiting Buckingham Palace. And I got in... but was shortly arrested. Yes, I am that guy who's been in the newspapers this morning. The other woman they questioned was the wife.

I only wanted to see if Her Maj was interesting in subscribing to the Way of the Parsnip! I figured that if I could get someone like her on my side then there would be no stopping me. She would be able to tell the people all about parsnips in her Christmas address to the nation, and then everyone would eat a parsnip or several for their Christmas roast dinner! And the methane production of the UK would go through the roof, severly impacting our efforts to cut our greenhouse gas production. But that is immaterial! It would have meant the Way of the Parsnip would be coming to fruition.

But it didn't happen that way. The police eventually caught me and roughed me up - the brutes! I knew I should have stayed outside the gate and led some sort of vigil in honour of the connections the humble parsnip has had with Princes Charles and Edward and their sordid little goings on in public schools (and public lavatories). But The Lord must not have wanted me to interfere in this way.

So now I'm stuck in London after all as I must attend court and stuff. But Fear Not! I have a feeling that the Lord planned this little setback to ensure that I do stay in London for the time being. There is great opportunity ahead!

I need to sit back and work out something for the future. Right now I'm going from one day to the next with no end in sight. I am hoping that the Good Lord will provide something more than Parsnip Feast within the next few days (for he has just presented to me, out of thin air, a Huge Hamper of Parsnippery. Delicious!)

But for now, I shall continue to enjoy the warmth of the sunshine here in London. I have decided to visit Buckingham Palace today. I think this is a good idea as I will be able to preach to all the tourists... and they may help spread the Way of the Parsnip to foreign shores, making my job easier when I finally get there.

Breakfast today at the Hotel was a champagne one. I haven't ever had one of these things... and it was simply delightful. There's nothing better than being pissed at the beginning of the day. The whole day will now have a little sparkle, especially as I sneaked out several bottles of finest Moet. Well, it was a "drink all you like" event. So I did. And will.

Hic! The Queen will meet a Pissed Parsnip. She'll love it, but then she's probably used to it, what with Prince Phillip and that.

So I carried out my plan. My visit to the London Eye was eventful to say the least.

I got into a capsule with about 20 other people. As we started to rise I called to them all and demanded their attention. They complied within seconds and without question! I was pleased to note that I have my Power back again. It could be related to the shotgun I was wielding, but that is immaterial. The Lord was guiding me, and the shotgun was merely for my safety, in case McDonalds had planted an informant in the capsule.

I preached to them and they listened. I forcefed them parsnips and they duly consumed. Then, when we reached the ground, we charged along the South Bank. Under my influence, they went into McDonalds and blocked the queues for hours with spurious requests for more ketchup, free coffee refills and attempts at getting hold of some stale donuts.

Outside, I took a loud hailer and blasted out a rendition of Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen, with that trademark booming voice I have. The crowd loved me, as they too understood the true ironic meaning of this song as intended by Mr Springsteen. I pandered to the British public's loathing of the US administration, and it was only natural that soon they were destroying McDonalds! Once again the Way of the Parsnip had led people to do My Bidding without me having to do anything. This is how it should be, and it ensures that my criminal record remains unblemished. (apart from that slight charge for streaking at a Vegetable Fayre. I was making a protest about the lack of parsnips, so I showed them what a Real Parsnip looked like, ha!)

It was like the May Day riots all over again! Winston Churchill's statue was defaced with more than graffiti and some turf on his head, I can tell you. Piss and shit everywhere! I was amazed at the people who were able to shit on demand. That kind of talent belongs in the circus! I haven't been able to do that since I was a small child, when I used to cause such trouble for my parents at important functions.

The Riot Police were soon called in, and I slipped away into the shadows; my confidence restored in my own abilities. It is pleasing that I can still stir up support when I need it!

A good day, overall. I look forward to more challenges tomorrow.

At the moment I am a free man. I do not have a congregation to preach to this Sunday for the first time since I was a child, and even then I liked to go up and read passages from the Bible at each Sunday service.

This is a new and invigorating feeling to me. And as I'm in London, I have decided to go out and do a bit of sightseeing. My number one destination will be the London Eye. Think of the possibilities! I am trapped in a glass capsule with the same people for 30 minutes. I will have them all converted to the Way of the Parsnip by the finish, and there will be no escape!

Afterwards, I may sit on the South Bank for some hours and take my message right onto the streets outside the McDonalds there. I know that McDonalds restaurant well, and I know they do phenomenal business. Some sort of sit down protest with much parsnippery and the beheading of an iceberg lettuce (for they are treacherous vegetables, allied with McDonalds for use in their burgers to pretend that they are "healthy"!) will be in order to denounce the Heathens for what they are.

The day ahead has much prospect! I feel the tide is turning!

The Way of the Parsnip is coming home to roost!