Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Post 100!
The Reverend has Now Made Exactly One Hundred Glorious Posts to His Journal!
Each and every one of those contains some important wisdom, or an interesting tale pertaining to the Ultimate Power of the Parsnip.
It comes as quite a co-incidence that I, Your Loving Parsnip, am taking a short vacation from today. I shall return within 11 days.
But I am not slacking! In fact, I am taking the message of the Parsnip abroad to foreign lands where they are primitive and do not have the internet through which they can Learn the True Way.
This important Parsnip Advocacy will do wonders to set alight the imaginations of all abroad. I hope to set up a sekrit church through which I can embezzle funds for tax purposes. But that's just a side benefit of this journey!
I know You will miss the Parsnip while I'm away. But fear not! This is a good opportunity for you to scour the archives and catch up on all of those nuggets of truth which I proclaim in every post. There will be a test upon my return, and failure is not an option. Unless you are a Heathen.
Love Your Parsnip.
Respect The Parsnip.
and most of all...
FEAR THE PARSNIP!
Each and every one of those contains some important wisdom, or an interesting tale pertaining to the Ultimate Power of the Parsnip.
It comes as quite a co-incidence that I, Your Loving Parsnip, am taking a short vacation from today. I shall return within 11 days.
But I am not slacking! In fact, I am taking the message of the Parsnip abroad to foreign lands where they are primitive and do not have the internet through which they can Learn the True Way.
This important Parsnip Advocacy will do wonders to set alight the imaginations of all abroad. I hope to set up a sekrit church through which I can embezzle funds for tax purposes. But that's just a side benefit of this journey!
I know You will miss the Parsnip while I'm away. But fear not! This is a good opportunity for you to scour the archives and catch up on all of those nuggets of truth which I proclaim in every post. There will be a test upon my return, and failure is not an option. Unless you are a Heathen.
Love Your Parsnip.
Respect The Parsnip.
and most of all...
FEAR THE PARSNIP!
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Ask Teh Rev: Week 4
This week's question is a short but powerful one. It will be coupled with an equally boisterous answer.
It comes from Roger Davids, from California, USA:
"Dear "Reverend",
When are you going to stop putting ideas into the minds of terrorists with your bullying and abuse of people?
Roger."
Well, "Roger"... I have never heard such insolence. You need a caning, twice over the hand, and then thrice over the bottom. Lower your trousers and bend over my desk while I fetch my Spanking Stick.
The Way of the Parsnip is Right. It is unquestionable. Those that question are doing the Devil's Work. Disobedience from the Way leads to Sin.
After your corrective therapy, I command you to say four thousand Hail Mary's, one million Our Fathers, and then three billion HAIL THE PARSNIPs.
I will be listening. If you miss so much as one of the incantations I require then I will have no bones about crashing a jumbo jet through your enormous head, which is filled with ignorance and idiocy.
This will be a lesson for all the world. I would also broadcast the aforementioned jet incident on Al-Jazeera
Fear The Parsnip!
It comes from Roger Davids, from California, USA:
"Dear "Reverend",
When are you going to stop putting ideas into the minds of terrorists with your bullying and abuse of people?
Roger."
Well, "Roger"... I have never heard such insolence. You need a caning, twice over the hand, and then thrice over the bottom. Lower your trousers and bend over my desk while I fetch my Spanking Stick.
The Way of the Parsnip is Right. It is unquestionable. Those that question are doing the Devil's Work. Disobedience from the Way leads to Sin.
After your corrective therapy, I command you to say four thousand Hail Mary's, one million Our Fathers, and then three billion HAIL THE PARSNIPs.
I will be listening. If you miss so much as one of the incantations I require then I will have no bones about crashing a jumbo jet through your enormous head, which is filled with ignorance and idiocy.
This will be a lesson for all the world. I would also broadcast the aforementioned jet incident on Al-Jazeera
Fear The Parsnip!
Monday, July 12, 2004
"When In Doubt...
... cast a monkey out!" is a well known phrase from the Bible.
Strangely enough, I noticed this morning that in my back yard there was a monkey. I was not sure from whence it had came, but I decided to take it indoors so I could fulfil this Biblical prophecy.
Later on, I was watching Wheel of Fortune on Challenge TV. It's an atrocious programme, but I'm sure most people have heard of it.
I became seriously doubtful as to the gender of one of the contestants. It seemed to be a woman, but there was a lot of unusual hair growth, and she had very unpert breasts. Also, she was named "Big Ron."
This doubt filled me with unease.
So I opened the back door and tossed out the monkey. It flew beautifully through the air and landed in a crumpled heap at the back of the yard, amongst my Parsnip Patch.
Then, I felt a lot better.
I suddenly realised that I was not watching Wheel of Fortune, but "The Ladyboys of Bangkok" which I'd rented from the local video store last night. I must have accidently pressed play while I wasn't looking.
Then I looked out into the garden to see if I could rescue the monkey, but it had gone!
How strange indeed.
I celebrated this strangeness by opening another can of Budweiser.
Best wishes,
The Parsnip
Strangely enough, I noticed this morning that in my back yard there was a monkey. I was not sure from whence it had came, but I decided to take it indoors so I could fulfil this Biblical prophecy.
Later on, I was watching Wheel of Fortune on Challenge TV. It's an atrocious programme, but I'm sure most people have heard of it.
I became seriously doubtful as to the gender of one of the contestants. It seemed to be a woman, but there was a lot of unusual hair growth, and she had very unpert breasts. Also, she was named "Big Ron."
This doubt filled me with unease.
So I opened the back door and tossed out the monkey. It flew beautifully through the air and landed in a crumpled heap at the back of the yard, amongst my Parsnip Patch.
Then, I felt a lot better.
I suddenly realised that I was not watching Wheel of Fortune, but "The Ladyboys of Bangkok" which I'd rented from the local video store last night. I must have accidently pressed play while I wasn't looking.
Then I looked out into the garden to see if I could rescue the monkey, but it had gone!
How strange indeed.
I celebrated this strangeness by opening another can of Budweiser.
Best wishes,
The Parsnip
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Sunday Service Number Four
And by golly, it was quite a service!
I provide a service to my local community, and they thank me and Praise the Parsnip.
You may recall last week that I had Important Plans for this week's service.
http://peterparsnip.blogspot.com/2004/07/sunday-service-number-three.html for more details. Read it before you continue with this post!
But those plans paid off in full!
This was the best Sunday Service ever! I abstained from alcohol in the morning, but instead, my flock arrived completely off their faces. It seems that, after they saved much money last week by not donating anything to me, that one can buy a lot of whisky with their regular £50 donations.
They were pissed off their faces. It only took a small stir. I told one of the gentlemen that I'd had his wife several times, and it was a splendid evening, with much Parsnippery Pokery.
The Ugly Brute in question then launched his arm towards me in an attempt to Punch the Parsnip. But his efforts were poor. I had conveniently placed myself near other men... and as I dodged said punch, it landed a striking blow on the face of an unrelated man.
Yes! The brawl then took place! The women bitched and cat-fought with excellence. I, myself, took several pictures of them, and I even provided them with a mud bath in which they could wrestle. I was the referee, of course, and the winner was Justly Rewarded.
Much gambling took place, as did much debauchery. I also believe that we had a death as I got a little too carried away in smashing the Lord Jesus On His Crucifix across an Evil Sinner's Head. Well, they had just admitted to eating The Wicked Turnip, so I believe it was a mercy killing.
The fun and games proceeded for three hours. And then I dealt the Blow!
I unveiled that underneath my pure white sheet on the altar were several thousand glasses of Parsnip Colada.
The drunken bastards couldn't keep their hands off My Bounty! And when the supply was becoming diminished, I poured several glasses all over me, instructing the ladies that they are free to Lick the Parsnip Clean!
I then pulled out a magic wand, akin to the one Sooty has. I shouted
IZZY WIZZY! LET'S GET BIZZY!
And there entered many whores and rent boys through every possible door and window. Unfortunately, one of them penetrated my stained glass window. That's going to cost a lot... but I suspect I can embezzle that off the Inland Revenue next tax year.
The funny thing was that I was not expecting whores to enter. This was a remarkable turn of events. I had expected my magic spell to bring everyone under The Parsnip's control at long last... yet it didn't happen that way. Instead, much sex was had by all, and little money changed hands.
The whores of Milton Keynes Toil in poverty! Yet they still provided a free and unexpected service.
I just wonder how they found out...
Still! It was a wonderful day!
I am sure that Jesus was watching! He'll be so envious of The Parsnip!
That's what he gets for being Dead!
Long Live the Parsnip's Orgys!
I provide a service to my local community, and they thank me and Praise the Parsnip.
You may recall last week that I had Important Plans for this week's service.
http://peterparsnip.blogspot.com/2004/07/sunday-service-number-three.html for more details. Read it before you continue with this post!
But those plans paid off in full!
This was the best Sunday Service ever! I abstained from alcohol in the morning, but instead, my flock arrived completely off their faces. It seems that, after they saved much money last week by not donating anything to me, that one can buy a lot of whisky with their regular £50 donations.
They were pissed off their faces. It only took a small stir. I told one of the gentlemen that I'd had his wife several times, and it was a splendid evening, with much Parsnippery Pokery.
The Ugly Brute in question then launched his arm towards me in an attempt to Punch the Parsnip. But his efforts were poor. I had conveniently placed myself near other men... and as I dodged said punch, it landed a striking blow on the face of an unrelated man.
Yes! The brawl then took place! The women bitched and cat-fought with excellence. I, myself, took several pictures of them, and I even provided them with a mud bath in which they could wrestle. I was the referee, of course, and the winner was Justly Rewarded.
Much gambling took place, as did much debauchery. I also believe that we had a death as I got a little too carried away in smashing the Lord Jesus On His Crucifix across an Evil Sinner's Head. Well, they had just admitted to eating The Wicked Turnip, so I believe it was a mercy killing.
The fun and games proceeded for three hours. And then I dealt the Blow!
I unveiled that underneath my pure white sheet on the altar were several thousand glasses of Parsnip Colada.
The drunken bastards couldn't keep their hands off My Bounty! And when the supply was becoming diminished, I poured several glasses all over me, instructing the ladies that they are free to Lick the Parsnip Clean!
I then pulled out a magic wand, akin to the one Sooty has. I shouted
IZZY WIZZY! LET'S GET BIZZY!
And there entered many whores and rent boys through every possible door and window. Unfortunately, one of them penetrated my stained glass window. That's going to cost a lot... but I suspect I can embezzle that off the Inland Revenue next tax year.
The funny thing was that I was not expecting whores to enter. This was a remarkable turn of events. I had expected my magic spell to bring everyone under The Parsnip's control at long last... yet it didn't happen that way. Instead, much sex was had by all, and little money changed hands.
The whores of Milton Keynes Toil in poverty! Yet they still provided a free and unexpected service.
I just wonder how they found out...
Still! It was a wonderful day!
I am sure that Jesus was watching! He'll be so envious of The Parsnip!
That's what he gets for being Dead!
Long Live the Parsnip's Orgys!
