Sunday, July 04, 2004
Sunday Service Number Three
It's Sunday again. The weeks are flying around and I know not what is going on!
Today's sermon was on an important topic - one that is very close to the hearts of the people of Milton Keynes. They are all fans of such poor alcoholic beverages such as Lambrini, White Lightning, and the Viz classic "8 Aces". So today, I talked about the dangers of the Demon Drink In Excess.
The Only excess allowable is that of the supreme Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort. Anything else is just pure idiocy. Indeed, I have told them straight: all of my sermons are fueled by a lethal and Powerful combination of Parsnips and JD/SC. This is from where I derive my Awesome Power, to which they are transfixed on a weekly basis.
And this week was no different! I let them all know that their donations from the previous Sunday had been Importantly Spent on my alcohol, and I had consumed 1/4 of a bottle of whisky before I conducted today's musings. I staggered and swaggered across the altar; my parishioners listening to my every word and absorbing the intricacies of how 3.4% 8 Aces is nothing compared to the mighty 40% proof of whisky.
I even made the ultimate sacrifice! This week I told them to keep a hold of their chequebooks and credit cards to which they fund my Lavish Lifestyle. This pained me a lot, but I am sure that God will be pleased with my total selflessness. Fancy a Reverend not demanding money from His people! I am Strong and Brave! This week will be difficult, but I Will Survive With the Love of God! (and previous lottery winnings... but we keep that quiet)
Instead, I told them to save their money! Spend it on whisky! Next week I have told them to turn up to my service completely rotten-eyed pissed drunk and off their faces on heroin (they normally do the latter anyway without me asking).
Then they too will Understand how Clear Thinking is Improved! They Will Get The Message!
And There Will Be Much Drunken Brawling!
Meanwhile, the Reverend Parsnip will turn up completely stone-cold sober. He will take command of the situation! He will place bets on prize fights, and will run books on who is going to be the parishioner who escapes without a single bruise!
It will be like a Royal Rumble! The activity will be extraordinary.
Then, I will deal the crushing blow. The Parsnip Will Reveal His Trump Card!
The Parsnip Colada! For Free!
They Will All Drink My Bounty. And They Will Fall Under My Spell Forever!
The Rabble of Milton Keynes Will Finally Fall Under My Control!
And THE PARSNIP WILL REIGN SUPREME!
ALL HAIL THE PARSNIP!
Today's sermon was on an important topic - one that is very close to the hearts of the people of Milton Keynes. They are all fans of such poor alcoholic beverages such as Lambrini, White Lightning, and the Viz classic "8 Aces". So today, I talked about the dangers of the Demon Drink In Excess.
The Only excess allowable is that of the supreme Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort. Anything else is just pure idiocy. Indeed, I have told them straight: all of my sermons are fueled by a lethal and Powerful combination of Parsnips and JD/SC. This is from where I derive my Awesome Power, to which they are transfixed on a weekly basis.
And this week was no different! I let them all know that their donations from the previous Sunday had been Importantly Spent on my alcohol, and I had consumed 1/4 of a bottle of whisky before I conducted today's musings. I staggered and swaggered across the altar; my parishioners listening to my every word and absorbing the intricacies of how 3.4% 8 Aces is nothing compared to the mighty 40% proof of whisky.
I even made the ultimate sacrifice! This week I told them to keep a hold of their chequebooks and credit cards to which they fund my Lavish Lifestyle. This pained me a lot, but I am sure that God will be pleased with my total selflessness. Fancy a Reverend not demanding money from His people! I am Strong and Brave! This week will be difficult, but I Will Survive With the Love of God! (and previous lottery winnings... but we keep that quiet)
Instead, I told them to save their money! Spend it on whisky! Next week I have told them to turn up to my service completely rotten-eyed pissed drunk and off their faces on heroin (they normally do the latter anyway without me asking).
Then they too will Understand how Clear Thinking is Improved! They Will Get The Message!
And There Will Be Much Drunken Brawling!
Meanwhile, the Reverend Parsnip will turn up completely stone-cold sober. He will take command of the situation! He will place bets on prize fights, and will run books on who is going to be the parishioner who escapes without a single bruise!
It will be like a Royal Rumble! The activity will be extraordinary.
Then, I will deal the crushing blow. The Parsnip Will Reveal His Trump Card!
The Parsnip Colada! For Free!
They Will All Drink My Bounty. And They Will Fall Under My Spell Forever!
The Rabble of Milton Keynes Will Finally Fall Under My Control!
And THE PARSNIP WILL REIGN SUPREME!
ALL HAIL THE PARSNIP!
