Saturday, June 12, 2004
What the Critics Say:
"That shit blog is gonna come back and strip any credibility you think you
had...When you're older.
If the chance came for me to meet you in person, I would take great delight
in kicking your head in."
Violence is frowned upon under the Way of the Parsnip!
Unless, it's the Parsnip inflicting the violence. In that case, it is merely corrective action issued under the Loving Auspices of the Lord.
All Heathens are Punished! And the author of the above quote is certainly a Heathen! I'll bet he inserts turnips up his rectum on a regular basis, and consumes copious amounts of Turnip Towers from McDonalds! The turnips have addled his brain!
Do not fear Heathens such as this one, for they are weak and ineffective, desperately trying to play the Big Man and failing miserably.
Instead: Fear The Parsnip!
had...When you're older.
If the chance came for me to meet you in person, I would take great delight
in kicking your head in."
Violence is frowned upon under the Way of the Parsnip!
Unless, it's the Parsnip inflicting the violence. In that case, it is merely corrective action issued under the Loving Auspices of the Lord.
All Heathens are Punished! And the author of the above quote is certainly a Heathen! I'll bet he inserts turnips up his rectum on a regular basis, and consumes copious amounts of Turnip Towers from McDonalds! The turnips have addled his brain!
Do not fear Heathens such as this one, for they are weak and ineffective, desperately trying to play the Big Man and failing miserably.
Instead: Fear The Parsnip!
Friday, June 11, 2004
Writing for Columbia
I have started on one of my greatest projects. Once complete, it will herald the coming of the dawn of the age of the Way of the Parsnip!
Yes! I am rewriting the Bible from start to finish. Everyone knows it's full of bollocks. It often contradicts itself several times in one page.
So I would like to remove this measure of uncertainty from Our Faith. And once I have finished, it will no longer be Our Faith. It will be My Faith. But You will accept My Faith, and so once again it will become Our Faith. Do you follow?
I intend to start with the Sermon on the Mount of Olives. Of course, everyone knows that olives are a heinous creation. So the Sermon will take place on the Mount of Parsnips.
And Noah's Ark? Yup, you guessed it, "Noah's Parsnip."
This will be the tale of how Noah found the first parsnip seed. He planted it in the ground, fertilised the soil (in the manner that only Parsnips know best!) and grew it to ginomous proportions.
He hollowed out the insides, and in the cavity within he housed two of every animal so that they could weather the mighty storm that Our Loving Lord sent us, in order to Smite the Wicked Earth of all Evil!
I like the lesson of that tale, because it is true. Only by purging the Earth of Sin and Wickedness will the Way be cleared for the Way of the Parsnip! God remembers that one must often be Cruel to be Kind! He kills millions of animals because he loves them all equally!
... and once the Veritable Tome is completed, I will distribute it throughout the world. Missionary Positions are available in Africa, I hear.
I have No Doubt that I would Impregnate My Seed amongst such fertile soil, and sew the Wild Oats of Parsnippery!
The Way of the Parsnip is Coming!
Be prepared! Or Die at the Choking Hands of the Parsnip, as Heathens feel their favourite Wicked Turnip being smashed into your face!
Yes! I am rewriting the Bible from start to finish. Everyone knows it's full of bollocks. It often contradicts itself several times in one page.
So I would like to remove this measure of uncertainty from Our Faith. And once I have finished, it will no longer be Our Faith. It will be My Faith. But You will accept My Faith, and so once again it will become Our Faith. Do you follow?
I intend to start with the Sermon on the Mount of Olives. Of course, everyone knows that olives are a heinous creation. So the Sermon will take place on the Mount of Parsnips.
And Noah's Ark? Yup, you guessed it, "Noah's Parsnip."
This will be the tale of how Noah found the first parsnip seed. He planted it in the ground, fertilised the soil (in the manner that only Parsnips know best!) and grew it to ginomous proportions.
He hollowed out the insides, and in the cavity within he housed two of every animal so that they could weather the mighty storm that Our Loving Lord sent us, in order to Smite the Wicked Earth of all Evil!
I like the lesson of that tale, because it is true. Only by purging the Earth of Sin and Wickedness will the Way be cleared for the Way of the Parsnip! God remembers that one must often be Cruel to be Kind! He kills millions of animals because he loves them all equally!
... and once the Veritable Tome is completed, I will distribute it throughout the world. Missionary Positions are available in Africa, I hear.
I have No Doubt that I would Impregnate My Seed amongst such fertile soil, and sew the Wild Oats of Parsnippery!
The Way of the Parsnip is Coming!
Be prepared! Or Die at the Choking Hands of the Parsnip, as Heathens feel their favourite Wicked Turnip being smashed into your face!
Thursday, June 10, 2004
This evening
I have plans to visit a political event in the UK. It will be highly intriguing to witness the counting of votes as people get elected councillors to my local council.
I was invited (As the event is very exclusive!) by a good friend of mine who says that this is a good opportunity to cause a ruckus.
I agree. This evening, I will kill the Returning Officer, wear his clothes (and his face: I have perfected a "face stealing" transplant technique that few surgeons in the world can do) and I will announce all the results of the votes. I will declare Councillor Peter Parsnip to be duly elected as councillor of some God-forsaken ward in London!
Haha! The Way of the Parsnip is on the up! No more will I be involved in powerless and pitiful Parish Councils, with Old Dears and wannabe politicians who failed to make the grade.
I will move up in the world! And Will Have Great Influence!
Be warned! Soon I will be influencing school policy so that the daily fruit provided by the school should become a DAILY PARSNIP!!! Children will no longer be fat, as parsnips encourage regular dumping.
So Hail the Parsnip! My new Plan Will Come To Pass!
I was invited (As the event is very exclusive!) by a good friend of mine who says that this is a good opportunity to cause a ruckus.
I agree. This evening, I will kill the Returning Officer, wear his clothes (and his face: I have perfected a "face stealing" transplant technique that few surgeons in the world can do) and I will announce all the results of the votes. I will declare Councillor Peter Parsnip to be duly elected as councillor of some God-forsaken ward in London!
Haha! The Way of the Parsnip is on the up! No more will I be involved in powerless and pitiful Parish Councils, with Old Dears and wannabe politicians who failed to make the grade.
I will move up in the world! And Will Have Great Influence!
Be warned! Soon I will be influencing school policy so that the daily fruit provided by the school should become a DAILY PARSNIP!!! Children will no longer be fat, as parsnips encourage regular dumping.
So Hail the Parsnip! My new Plan Will Come To Pass!
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Procrastinating
It is at morning time when I feel the Power of the Parsnip at its strongest.
I have often wondered why this is, but now my scientific experiments with an EM field scanner and my sekrit Parsnip Plantation (that I keep under my hotel bed) may have given me the answer.
It appears that my parsnips emit a stronger EM field in the morning than they do it night. Consequently, as all the parsnips in my current time zone begin to give out their glorious glow, I receive the Love of all Parsnips across this stretch of world.
I Feel It! This sense of power and passion from my parsnips across the world is what drives me to produce good deeds for them all day! I have no doubt that these emissions are their way of saying "Thank You, Oh Parsnip, For Your Advocacy!"
For if I did not advocate The Way of the Parsnip, then no one else would. And the world would be a much poorer place! No Parsnips! No Glory Thrust In The Faces of all Parsnip Fans across The World! Much more Constipation!
Long Live the Parsnip!
I have often wondered why this is, but now my scientific experiments with an EM field scanner and my sekrit Parsnip Plantation (that I keep under my hotel bed) may have given me the answer.
It appears that my parsnips emit a stronger EM field in the morning than they do it night. Consequently, as all the parsnips in my current time zone begin to give out their glorious glow, I receive the Love of all Parsnips across this stretch of world.
I Feel It! This sense of power and passion from my parsnips across the world is what drives me to produce good deeds for them all day! I have no doubt that these emissions are their way of saying "Thank You, Oh Parsnip, For Your Advocacy!"
For if I did not advocate The Way of the Parsnip, then no one else would. And the world would be a much poorer place! No Parsnips! No Glory Thrust In The Faces of all Parsnip Fans across The World! Much more Constipation!
Long Live the Parsnip!
Monday, June 07, 2004
I got a call!
It was from Kofi Annan, the Secretary General of the UN. Some of you may remember that some weeks ago, I applied for a job at the UN in charge of their Religion and Vegetable Advocacy Directorate.
We had a small chat. I ended up telling him to shove his job up his arse because he wouldn't change it to "Religion and Parsnip Advocacy Directorate". He insisted that I do not discriminate against other vegetables, because the parsnip will not grow in certain areas of the world.
I retaliated, calling him a Heathen and a non-believer. Faith and freshly Fertilised Ground, straight from the Parsnip's seed will help the parsnip to grow anywhere. But he would not accept the Way of the Parsnip.
I am disappointed. But it is his loss.
When world hunger next ravishes Africa, BLAME KOFI ANNAN FOR IGNORING THE WAY OF THE PARSNIP!
The Parsnip is the key to solving every problem in the world. But there are obstacles everywhere to its success. But trust me, its Success Will Happen. Just a little patience is required, and then it Will Inherit The Earth.
Respect the Parsnip!
We had a small chat. I ended up telling him to shove his job up his arse because he wouldn't change it to "Religion and Parsnip Advocacy Directorate". He insisted that I do not discriminate against other vegetables, because the parsnip will not grow in certain areas of the world.
I retaliated, calling him a Heathen and a non-believer. Faith and freshly Fertilised Ground, straight from the Parsnip's seed will help the parsnip to grow anywhere. But he would not accept the Way of the Parsnip.
I am disappointed. But it is his loss.
When world hunger next ravishes Africa, BLAME KOFI ANNAN FOR IGNORING THE WAY OF THE PARSNIP!
The Parsnip is the key to solving every problem in the world. But there are obstacles everywhere to its success. But trust me, its Success Will Happen. Just a little patience is required, and then it Will Inherit The Earth.
Respect the Parsnip!
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Sunday Recollections
I know not what I should do next. The absence of the wife is making the Power of the Parsnip dwindle most signficantly. I even had a day off from posting to my journal yesterday because of this situation! Alack! Alas!
But I must be strong and brave. The Way of the Parsnip has taught me that all along there will always be setbacks. The path to victory is strewn with obstacles, and this will be my greatest challenge yet. Far more important than defeating McDonalds. Possibly not as important as beating the Turnip, though.
Sunday again, and I still have no congregation to preach to. The damn Archbishop of Cunterbury obviously was taking the piss out of me when he was nodding sagely and sympathetically to my pleas of how the Parsnip Requires an Oval Office from Which To Work! The bastard!
I recall a previous sermon here. Several years ago, when I had a beard, during the service I was asked by a small boy who had came up to do a reading from the Bible if my beard was real or a wig.
I condemned the boy to Hell for not being able to distinguish between faux, manufactured synthetic hair and the Real Deal! I was gravely insulted by this! How dare he insinuate that the Parsnip would wear such a heinous facial adornment as a fake wig!
I bellowed and screamed at him, right in front of my congregation. The boy was brought to tears and I thrashed him with the back of my hand. He felt the Love of God running through his veins after that, I can tell you! Never again did he commit anti-social acts such as standing on street corners, swigging bottles of cider!
The congregation burst out into spontaneous applause! The Old Dears longed to see the return of the birch, the rod, the slipper, the gallows and the electric chair, because they are all Horny, Kinky Devils into Bondage, Discipline and Sado-Masochism! I was only too pleased to play out many of their fantasies. Funnily enough, I received many visits from the Old Dears that evening, to congratulate me one by one. Then we re-enacted the scene again. I was a very tired man that evening! The Parsnip was drained of all his Power!
Funnily enough, the boy was never the same again. He committed suicide some five days later.
He did not deserve God's Love! I am sure that he was Condemned to Hell! The best place for little tykes!
Fear The Parsnip!
But I must be strong and brave. The Way of the Parsnip has taught me that all along there will always be setbacks. The path to victory is strewn with obstacles, and this will be my greatest challenge yet. Far more important than defeating McDonalds. Possibly not as important as beating the Turnip, though.
Sunday again, and I still have no congregation to preach to. The damn Archbishop of Cunterbury obviously was taking the piss out of me when he was nodding sagely and sympathetically to my pleas of how the Parsnip Requires an Oval Office from Which To Work! The bastard!
I recall a previous sermon here. Several years ago, when I had a beard, during the service I was asked by a small boy who had came up to do a reading from the Bible if my beard was real or a wig.
I condemned the boy to Hell for not being able to distinguish between faux, manufactured synthetic hair and the Real Deal! I was gravely insulted by this! How dare he insinuate that the Parsnip would wear such a heinous facial adornment as a fake wig!
I bellowed and screamed at him, right in front of my congregation. The boy was brought to tears and I thrashed him with the back of my hand. He felt the Love of God running through his veins after that, I can tell you! Never again did he commit anti-social acts such as standing on street corners, swigging bottles of cider!
The congregation burst out into spontaneous applause! The Old Dears longed to see the return of the birch, the rod, the slipper, the gallows and the electric chair, because they are all Horny, Kinky Devils into Bondage, Discipline and Sado-Masochism! I was only too pleased to play out many of their fantasies. Funnily enough, I received many visits from the Old Dears that evening, to congratulate me one by one. Then we re-enacted the scene again. I was a very tired man that evening! The Parsnip was drained of all his Power!
Funnily enough, the boy was never the same again. He committed suicide some five days later.
He did not deserve God's Love! I am sure that he was Condemned to Hell! The best place for little tykes!
Fear The Parsnip!
