Saturday, July 10, 2004
A Thought or Two
While driving around in my Parsnippery Flavoured Ice Cream van today, vending nutritious substances to the good people of Milton Keynes (and other less wholesome, and other more "herbal" substances for substantial profit, oho!), an intriguing thought occured to me.
Unfortunately, that thought has since been forgotten.
The Brain of the Parsnip is not as sharp as it once was.
The alarming part of this is that my Thought happened at just precisely the moment I released my foot off the brake. I cannot recall if the Thought caused me to release the pressure, or if the release of pressure called the Thought into my brain.
But this event led to a rather sharp fall. The Parsnip Van rolled into a deep hole dug in the road. It crashed, burned and exploded with me in the cabin.
Of course, the Fire Brigade soon arrived and put out the flames. Parsnips can be highly flammable, but not This Parsnip. I emerged from the flames unscathed without a single burn on my body. The Fire Chief was astounded that I just walked free of the 1000 degree flames. As I walked forward, carrying my Favourite Parsnip Firm and Strong in my Hand, I directed it towards the flames, and they quelled and vanished, allowing me a free passage, almost akin to how the Lord Jesus parted the waves!
Well, my Parsnip Parted the Flames!
Naturally, the Fire Brigade are now big followers of the Way of the Parsnip. I have instructed them to replace their enormous hoses with a special crop of My Parsnips. That way, they can channel and direct the flames. Indeed, I have been invited to a special community open day, during which I shall demonstrate to all how to save themselves using a Parsnip when their microwave TV dinner has been accidently placed in the oven, rather than the microwave as the name implies it should be.
You would be surprised how often this happens in Milton Keynes. Or perhaps you wouldn't if you know the area.
God Blessed the Parsnip Today! He survived through a Miracle!
The Way of the Parsnip can Open the Path To True Miracle Making!
(But He cannot Solve Your Financial Crises. I already have one of my own which I shall solve tomorrow with the Joys of the Pay Dearly For Your Sins Collection Plate!)
Unfortunately, that thought has since been forgotten.
The Brain of the Parsnip is not as sharp as it once was.
The alarming part of this is that my Thought happened at just precisely the moment I released my foot off the brake. I cannot recall if the Thought caused me to release the pressure, or if the release of pressure called the Thought into my brain.
But this event led to a rather sharp fall. The Parsnip Van rolled into a deep hole dug in the road. It crashed, burned and exploded with me in the cabin.
Of course, the Fire Brigade soon arrived and put out the flames. Parsnips can be highly flammable, but not This Parsnip. I emerged from the flames unscathed without a single burn on my body. The Fire Chief was astounded that I just walked free of the 1000 degree flames. As I walked forward, carrying my Favourite Parsnip Firm and Strong in my Hand, I directed it towards the flames, and they quelled and vanished, allowing me a free passage, almost akin to how the Lord Jesus parted the waves!
Well, my Parsnip Parted the Flames!
Naturally, the Fire Brigade are now big followers of the Way of the Parsnip. I have instructed them to replace their enormous hoses with a special crop of My Parsnips. That way, they can channel and direct the flames. Indeed, I have been invited to a special community open day, during which I shall demonstrate to all how to save themselves using a Parsnip when their microwave TV dinner has been accidently placed in the oven, rather than the microwave as the name implies it should be.
You would be surprised how often this happens in Milton Keynes. Or perhaps you wouldn't if you know the area.
God Blessed the Parsnip Today! He survived through a Miracle!
The Way of the Parsnip can Open the Path To True Miracle Making!
(But He cannot Solve Your Financial Crises. I already have one of my own which I shall solve tomorrow with the Joys of the Pay Dearly For Your Sins Collection Plate!)
Friday, July 09, 2004
God's Love
God's Love is said to be all around.
It is not so.
His Love is only around when there is a conduit for His love in the vicinity.
I am such a conduit.
His Love can take many forms. It can be physical: as a thrashing, a caning, a whipping and a swashbuckle of My Belt. Or it can be emotional: such as psychologically torturing people about the Hell of Turnip Insertion in Hell. It can even be special Parsnip Lovin' which certain members of the Community Receive.
But today, someone questioned my Love. They demanded to know why Love is mainly based on forms of assault.
Their insolence was rewarded with a machine gun. They no longer exist.
Let This Be A Warning! Accept God's Love when it is Given! It Is Free and It Cleanses the Soul!
It is not so.
His Love is only around when there is a conduit for His love in the vicinity.
I am such a conduit.
His Love can take many forms. It can be physical: as a thrashing, a caning, a whipping and a swashbuckle of My Belt. Or it can be emotional: such as psychologically torturing people about the Hell of Turnip Insertion in Hell. It can even be special Parsnip Lovin' which certain members of the Community Receive.
But today, someone questioned my Love. They demanded to know why Love is mainly based on forms of assault.
Their insolence was rewarded with a machine gun. They no longer exist.
Let This Be A Warning! Accept God's Love when it is Given! It Is Free and It Cleanses the Soul!
Thursday, July 08, 2004
A Stroll... Turned Into a Party
Strolling through my Vicarage Orchard (which is actually nowhere near the Vicarage but on the other side of town, and it also has a motorway/freeway/autobahn on one side with a main road on the other) this morning I noticed that several apples had fallen from the trees.
This saddened me immensely, as apples are not supposed to fall just yet.
But then I realised that these were no ordinary apples. In fact, upon closer inspection, they appeared to be Parsnips.
It seems that my continual fertilsation of the soil since I arrived three weeks ago is paying dividends! The apple trees are growing succulent and delicious parsnips, much to the contradiction of the Laws of Mother Nature. I laugh in Mother Nature's face, for it was that silly bitch that invented the Turnip in the first place. Heathen!
The Parsnip has the Power to encourage Growth Everywhere.
To celebrate, I have called the rest of the day a National Holiday: The Day of the Surprise Parsnip. All of the local Scum have taken the day off work, and will relax watching their favourite shows such as Jerry Springer and Trisha. I think most of them were already off today anyway. Strange that their holidays booked in work co-incided with this Glorious Day!
The biggest event of the day will be when I hide a ginormous parsnip somewhere in the town. The first to find it gets to eat it out! Clean!
They Will Feast off the Parsnip! Forever Their Excrement Will Be Long and Fibrous!
I am firing up my turntables and bringing out the old vinyls. There's going to be an illegal rave again tonight! Bob Dylan will be my mix of choice!
God Blesses The Parsnip On, This, His Special Day.
This saddened me immensely, as apples are not supposed to fall just yet.
But then I realised that these were no ordinary apples. In fact, upon closer inspection, they appeared to be Parsnips.
It seems that my continual fertilsation of the soil since I arrived three weeks ago is paying dividends! The apple trees are growing succulent and delicious parsnips, much to the contradiction of the Laws of Mother Nature. I laugh in Mother Nature's face, for it was that silly bitch that invented the Turnip in the first place. Heathen!
The Parsnip has the Power to encourage Growth Everywhere.
To celebrate, I have called the rest of the day a National Holiday: The Day of the Surprise Parsnip. All of the local Scum have taken the day off work, and will relax watching their favourite shows such as Jerry Springer and Trisha. I think most of them were already off today anyway. Strange that their holidays booked in work co-incided with this Glorious Day!
The biggest event of the day will be when I hide a ginormous parsnip somewhere in the town. The first to find it gets to eat it out! Clean!
They Will Feast off the Parsnip! Forever Their Excrement Will Be Long and Fibrous!
I am firing up my turntables and bringing out the old vinyls. There's going to be an illegal rave again tonight! Bob Dylan will be my mix of choice!
God Blesses The Parsnip On, This, His Special Day.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Ridiculous!
It's unbelieveable!
I've just been to my local post office. I purchased a nice A4 envelope, plus some stamps.
The cheap envelope wouldn't stay stuck together! So I searched my house for some sellotape. I couldn't find any, and yet I always have sellotape as it comes in very handy for certain games I play when the Old Dears come to visit.
On further searching I located a stick of runny glue. I applied it to the envelope folds, and - lo and behold - the glue failed! A simple job... exactly what glue is supposed to do, and it would not hold the two flaps together. Of course, As a Parsnip With Might and Power, I am quite used to dividing flaps and forcing through with an Explosive Thrust.
But I could not stand the sight of these disunified folds!
In my disgust I tore up the envelope. Envelopes are not allowed to resist the Parsnip, and this is deeply infuriating. Never before have I encountered such a blasphemous piece of wood pulp.
I was about to go out to buy a new envelope when I spotted that I already had an A4 envelope. It had been used before, but I had since found a tube of Pritt Stick. This seems to work.
But where are my stamps?
ARGH! I had put them in the bin on the envelope I tore up.
I rushed to the bin and rescued the several pieces of the envelope.
It was beyond hope. One of my tears across it had caught the middle of both stamps.
A waste of £1! God does not look kindly upon wastes of money! Especially if that money could have been spent on a bottle of Jack Daniels otherwise.
The Lesson: Do Not Tear Up Your Envelopes If You Have Already Put Your Stamps On Them. Hold Fire on your Fury Until The Situation Is Assessed.
Also, Never Run Out of Sellotape! You never know When You Might Need It!
Hail the Parsnip, who brings you good Advice Daily.
I've just been to my local post office. I purchased a nice A4 envelope, plus some stamps.
The cheap envelope wouldn't stay stuck together! So I searched my house for some sellotape. I couldn't find any, and yet I always have sellotape as it comes in very handy for certain games I play when the Old Dears come to visit.
On further searching I located a stick of runny glue. I applied it to the envelope folds, and - lo and behold - the glue failed! A simple job... exactly what glue is supposed to do, and it would not hold the two flaps together. Of course, As a Parsnip With Might and Power, I am quite used to dividing flaps and forcing through with an Explosive Thrust.
But I could not stand the sight of these disunified folds!
In my disgust I tore up the envelope. Envelopes are not allowed to resist the Parsnip, and this is deeply infuriating. Never before have I encountered such a blasphemous piece of wood pulp.
I was about to go out to buy a new envelope when I spotted that I already had an A4 envelope. It had been used before, but I had since found a tube of Pritt Stick. This seems to work.
But where are my stamps?
ARGH! I had put them in the bin on the envelope I tore up.
I rushed to the bin and rescued the several pieces of the envelope.
It was beyond hope. One of my tears across it had caught the middle of both stamps.
A waste of £1! God does not look kindly upon wastes of money! Especially if that money could have been spent on a bottle of Jack Daniels otherwise.
The Lesson: Do Not Tear Up Your Envelopes If You Have Already Put Your Stamps On Them. Hold Fire on your Fury Until The Situation Is Assessed.
Also, Never Run Out of Sellotape! You never know When You Might Need It!
Hail the Parsnip, who brings you good Advice Daily.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Ask Teh Rev: Week 3
This week my question comes from Mrs Armitage from Texas, USA.
"Dear Vicar,
I Praise The Lord Jesus on a daily basis. I would also like to Praise the Parsnip!
But here in Texas it is very difficult to get hold of a good crop of parsnips. I have heard many people comparing parsnips with carrots. They are the same shape but a different colour.
Will I be able to get away with dying a carrot?
Yours faithfully,
Sharon Armitage"
When I read this letter my blood pressure surged and my temperature rocketed through the roof. I couldn't believe that someone could be so stupid as to think that a carrot could be as good as the Mighty Parsnip!
It is of little surprise then that this ignoramus comes from the most idiotic and stupid state in the whole of the world: Texas. Mrs Armitage needs to stick a rocket up her backside and wake up!
How dare she write such blasphemy about the Way of the Parsnip. The Parsnip did not sacrifice himself, rising again on the third day, just so people could take an inferior carrot and dye it white.
I have a good mind to pay her a visit and give her one. A Parsnip that is. A Real Parsnip. Then, once she has tasted the fruit of the Vine, she will do all that is necessary to import the Parsnip from far away locations to ensure that she has a daily source.
Indeed, if she was an enterprising type she could set up her own church with a culty fanbase. Then she can threaten people with semi-automatic guns, perhaps even killing them once they refuse to eat the Parsnip. Only in America do such events happen!
Another Loafhead, Judged By The Parsnip!
Keep your e-mails coming to the address on the right.
"Dear Vicar,
I Praise The Lord Jesus on a daily basis. I would also like to Praise the Parsnip!
But here in Texas it is very difficult to get hold of a good crop of parsnips. I have heard many people comparing parsnips with carrots. They are the same shape but a different colour.
Will I be able to get away with dying a carrot?
Yours faithfully,
Sharon Armitage"
When I read this letter my blood pressure surged and my temperature rocketed through the roof. I couldn't believe that someone could be so stupid as to think that a carrot could be as good as the Mighty Parsnip!
It is of little surprise then that this ignoramus comes from the most idiotic and stupid state in the whole of the world: Texas. Mrs Armitage needs to stick a rocket up her backside and wake up!
How dare she write such blasphemy about the Way of the Parsnip. The Parsnip did not sacrifice himself, rising again on the third day, just so people could take an inferior carrot and dye it white.
I have a good mind to pay her a visit and give her one. A Parsnip that is. A Real Parsnip. Then, once she has tasted the fruit of the Vine, she will do all that is necessary to import the Parsnip from far away locations to ensure that she has a daily source.
Indeed, if she was an enterprising type she could set up her own church with a culty fanbase. Then she can threaten people with semi-automatic guns, perhaps even killing them once they refuse to eat the Parsnip. Only in America do such events happen!
Another Loafhead, Judged By The Parsnip!
Keep your e-mails coming to the address on the right.
Monday, July 05, 2004
Can't Be Arsed
The Parsnip is not in a good mood today. He cannot find a good source of Power through which he will be able to channel his energies into something productive.
So it's going to be a relaxing day, during which I shall prepare for next Sunday's bloodbath and sip a few litres of Jack Daniels.
This will enable me to recharge my batteries, ready to answer my favourite e-mail tomorrow.
Best wishes,
The Parsnip
So it's going to be a relaxing day, during which I shall prepare for next Sunday's bloodbath and sip a few litres of Jack Daniels.
This will enable me to recharge my batteries, ready to answer my favourite e-mail tomorrow.
Best wishes,
The Parsnip
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Sunday Service Number Three
It's Sunday again. The weeks are flying around and I know not what is going on!
Today's sermon was on an important topic - one that is very close to the hearts of the people of Milton Keynes. They are all fans of such poor alcoholic beverages such as Lambrini, White Lightning, and the Viz classic "8 Aces". So today, I talked about the dangers of the Demon Drink In Excess.
The Only excess allowable is that of the supreme Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort. Anything else is just pure idiocy. Indeed, I have told them straight: all of my sermons are fueled by a lethal and Powerful combination of Parsnips and JD/SC. This is from where I derive my Awesome Power, to which they are transfixed on a weekly basis.
And this week was no different! I let them all know that their donations from the previous Sunday had been Importantly Spent on my alcohol, and I had consumed 1/4 of a bottle of whisky before I conducted today's musings. I staggered and swaggered across the altar; my parishioners listening to my every word and absorbing the intricacies of how 3.4% 8 Aces is nothing compared to the mighty 40% proof of whisky.
I even made the ultimate sacrifice! This week I told them to keep a hold of their chequebooks and credit cards to which they fund my Lavish Lifestyle. This pained me a lot, but I am sure that God will be pleased with my total selflessness. Fancy a Reverend not demanding money from His people! I am Strong and Brave! This week will be difficult, but I Will Survive With the Love of God! (and previous lottery winnings... but we keep that quiet)
Instead, I told them to save their money! Spend it on whisky! Next week I have told them to turn up to my service completely rotten-eyed pissed drunk and off their faces on heroin (they normally do the latter anyway without me asking).
Then they too will Understand how Clear Thinking is Improved! They Will Get The Message!
And There Will Be Much Drunken Brawling!
Meanwhile, the Reverend Parsnip will turn up completely stone-cold sober. He will take command of the situation! He will place bets on prize fights, and will run books on who is going to be the parishioner who escapes without a single bruise!
It will be like a Royal Rumble! The activity will be extraordinary.
Then, I will deal the crushing blow. The Parsnip Will Reveal His Trump Card!
The Parsnip Colada! For Free!
They Will All Drink My Bounty. And They Will Fall Under My Spell Forever!
The Rabble of Milton Keynes Will Finally Fall Under My Control!
And THE PARSNIP WILL REIGN SUPREME!
ALL HAIL THE PARSNIP!
Today's sermon was on an important topic - one that is very close to the hearts of the people of Milton Keynes. They are all fans of such poor alcoholic beverages such as Lambrini, White Lightning, and the Viz classic "8 Aces". So today, I talked about the dangers of the Demon Drink In Excess.
The Only excess allowable is that of the supreme Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort. Anything else is just pure idiocy. Indeed, I have told them straight: all of my sermons are fueled by a lethal and Powerful combination of Parsnips and JD/SC. This is from where I derive my Awesome Power, to which they are transfixed on a weekly basis.
And this week was no different! I let them all know that their donations from the previous Sunday had been Importantly Spent on my alcohol, and I had consumed 1/4 of a bottle of whisky before I conducted today's musings. I staggered and swaggered across the altar; my parishioners listening to my every word and absorbing the intricacies of how 3.4% 8 Aces is nothing compared to the mighty 40% proof of whisky.
I even made the ultimate sacrifice! This week I told them to keep a hold of their chequebooks and credit cards to which they fund my Lavish Lifestyle. This pained me a lot, but I am sure that God will be pleased with my total selflessness. Fancy a Reverend not demanding money from His people! I am Strong and Brave! This week will be difficult, but I Will Survive With the Love of God! (and previous lottery winnings... but we keep that quiet)
Instead, I told them to save their money! Spend it on whisky! Next week I have told them to turn up to my service completely rotten-eyed pissed drunk and off their faces on heroin (they normally do the latter anyway without me asking).
Then they too will Understand how Clear Thinking is Improved! They Will Get The Message!
And There Will Be Much Drunken Brawling!
Meanwhile, the Reverend Parsnip will turn up completely stone-cold sober. He will take command of the situation! He will place bets on prize fights, and will run books on who is going to be the parishioner who escapes without a single bruise!
It will be like a Royal Rumble! The activity will be extraordinary.
Then, I will deal the crushing blow. The Parsnip Will Reveal His Trump Card!
The Parsnip Colada! For Free!
They Will All Drink My Bounty. And They Will Fall Under My Spell Forever!
The Rabble of Milton Keynes Will Finally Fall Under My Control!
And THE PARSNIP WILL REIGN SUPREME!
ALL HAIL THE PARSNIP!
