Saturday, June 19, 2004
The Rev Has G-Mail!
Being a modern Reverend, well up on the pleasures of smoking weed and parsnips, and with a blog, it is also important that I keep with the times, and hence, I now have a g-mail account.
Only the Most Powerful and Worthy People have g-mail accounts. Mine is:
peterparsnip [AT] gmail DOT com
This is surely a sign from God. And a good sign too! Especially today as I make my journey up to Milton Keynes and prepare to enter my new Parish. I am certain that the Local Youths, with whom I will ingratiate myself, will be most impressed with me. My street cred will soar infinitely as I offer to them all personal invitations to get their own GMail accounts.
They will then Subscribe Wholesale to the Way of the Parsnip, and Milton Keynes will fall to my Powers within days! Turnips will be banishéd!
God Save the Parsnip!
Only the Most Powerful and Worthy People have g-mail accounts. Mine is:
peterparsnip [AT] gmail DOT com
This is surely a sign from God. And a good sign too! Especially today as I make my journey up to Milton Keynes and prepare to enter my new Parish. I am certain that the Local Youths, with whom I will ingratiate myself, will be most impressed with me. My street cred will soar infinitely as I offer to them all personal invitations to get their own GMail accounts.
They will then Subscribe Wholesale to the Way of the Parsnip, and Milton Keynes will fall to my Powers within days! Turnips will be banishéd!
God Save the Parsnip!
Friday, June 18, 2004
Pressing Forward!
Time Waits for No Parsnip!
My prayers have finally been granted. I have a new Parish!
The Archbishop of Cunterbury has told me that this is a "problem parish." He tells me that I will find this one an enormous challenge. The locale is full of wicked sinners; he suspects that most of them are inbreds. Most of them are unable to communicate in any meaningful way, talking in an accent exceedingly cutting, yet most of the time they babble incoherently and foam at the mouth.
Yes, folks. I have been sent to Milton Keynes.
He believes that my Powers of Communication, and My Rule With My Rod of Iron will get the message across. And I agree with him. It is time to Spread A Little of the Parsnip across more of God's Hallowed Earth!
I must begin packing. I am concerned that the Police may want to examine the contents of my "Parsnip Growth Laboratory" which I have under my hotel bed, as I understand they often vet incoming Vicars (the last was apparently a drugs baron! What a SINNER!!) ... but I will assure them that it is for my Personal Use Only. I will get away with Class C, I think.
I doubt the Archibishop of Cunterbury would mind if they filed a report to him. He looks like a man who experimented in his sinful youth days.
THE PARSNIP IS GOOD! HE WILL BE COMING SOON TO A CHURCH NEAR YOU!
PRAISE THE PARSNIP!!!
My prayers have finally been granted. I have a new Parish!
The Archbishop of Cunterbury has told me that this is a "problem parish." He tells me that I will find this one an enormous challenge. The locale is full of wicked sinners; he suspects that most of them are inbreds. Most of them are unable to communicate in any meaningful way, talking in an accent exceedingly cutting, yet most of the time they babble incoherently and foam at the mouth.
Yes, folks. I have been sent to Milton Keynes.
He believes that my Powers of Communication, and My Rule With My Rod of Iron will get the message across. And I agree with him. It is time to Spread A Little of the Parsnip across more of God's Hallowed Earth!
I must begin packing. I am concerned that the Police may want to examine the contents of my "Parsnip Growth Laboratory" which I have under my hotel bed, as I understand they often vet incoming Vicars (the last was apparently a drugs baron! What a SINNER!!) ... but I will assure them that it is for my Personal Use Only. I will get away with Class C, I think.
I doubt the Archibishop of Cunterbury would mind if they filed a report to him. He looks like a man who experimented in his sinful youth days.
THE PARSNIP IS GOOD! HE WILL BE COMING SOON TO A CHURCH NEAR YOU!
PRAISE THE PARSNIP!!!
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Exciting!
I appear to have offended the Head of Housekeeping at my Hotel.
I left her a little note this morning asking if she would be so kind as to send a cleaner to remove the parsnip that appears to have been accidently smashed through the back of the TV (The Lord must have done something in an attempt to get free adult channels?)... but upon my return I noted that my TV had been taken away and a bill for £200 had been served upon me!
I could not believe this! So I made a personal visit to The Maid Mistress (who was wearing a rather fetching outfit at the time) and disciplined her most severely. I produced my Rod of Iron, thrashed and flaggelated her into submission and then forced her to Eat The Parsnip.
That solved the problem.
But now, a new twist to the tale!!
I have just received a phonecall from The Maid Mistress asking if I would visit her home this evening to give her a Personal Confession, as she has been Extremely Naughty. She also asked me to bring my Favourite Parsnip Collection, to peruse at her leisure.
Naturally, I could not refuse such an offer. I am merely a vessel of the Lord's Goodness. If, in the course of my duty, I am required to give personal assistance to someone who is not an ordinary member of my congregation, then so be it. I merely do as the Lord requests, for it is The Lord who presents such opportunities and obstacles in my way!
It is at this point that I realised that I'm glad I'm not a Catholic.
I left her a little note this morning asking if she would be so kind as to send a cleaner to remove the parsnip that appears to have been accidently smashed through the back of the TV (The Lord must have done something in an attempt to get free adult channels?)... but upon my return I noted that my TV had been taken away and a bill for £200 had been served upon me!
I could not believe this! So I made a personal visit to The Maid Mistress (who was wearing a rather fetching outfit at the time) and disciplined her most severely. I produced my Rod of Iron, thrashed and flaggelated her into submission and then forced her to Eat The Parsnip.
That solved the problem.
But now, a new twist to the tale!!
I have just received a phonecall from The Maid Mistress asking if I would visit her home this evening to give her a Personal Confession, as she has been Extremely Naughty. She also asked me to bring my Favourite Parsnip Collection, to peruse at her leisure.
Naturally, I could not refuse such an offer. I am merely a vessel of the Lord's Goodness. If, in the course of my duty, I am required to give personal assistance to someone who is not an ordinary member of my congregation, then so be it. I merely do as the Lord requests, for it is The Lord who presents such opportunities and obstacles in my way!
It is at this point that I realised that I'm glad I'm not a Catholic.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
A Reminder
This is a good point at which I shall remind all of my new and recent converts of the Doctrine of Parsnippery, more commonly known as The Way of the Parsnip. It is a simple and fairly short tale, with an accompanying message, as follows:
On The Third Day, I rose again, in accordance with the Scriptures.
Blessed be all who Believe in the Miracle of the Resurrection of the Parsnip! For one time before did He roam the land in search of Good Parsnips, and failed only due to the searing heat in the desert killing him before he arrived at Mecca. Ooops, wrong religion.
Regardless, it was His fault! Everyone knows that parsnips do not grow in the desert.
But fortunately, three days later, I was created in the 2nd Immaculate Conception as the result of a Holy Union between Mother Teresa, Anne Widdecombe, Margaret Thatcher and The Seed of a Thrusting Parsnip, provided by Ronald Reagan and impregnated deep within the aforementioned Parsnip. I feel Proud of My Noble Heritage!
Since my Conception, I have not veered, deviated or digressed from the True Goal of Parsnip Advocacy. My mind is focused and sharp at all times. My job on Earth is merely to spread the good word in any way possible. The Lord agrees with me, and hence my occasionally unorthodox manners.
But I do not have to justify myself to You or to Anyone!
In turn, your duty calls. It is a simple one which you could not have difficulty with.
It is to Eat Parsnips.
Once you have fed off My Bounty, consuming every last drop of my Power and Strength, I will leave this Earth, for my job of Spreading My Seed will be done. I will have planted within each and every one of you the Tool of Everlasting Joy. And you will be grateful and say much Thanks and Praise to Your Friend, The Parsnip.
And yet, the mystery of the religion is, thus:
AT ALL TIMES YOU WILL FEAR THE PARSNIP!!!!
May God have mercy on your pathetic souls.
On The Third Day, I rose again, in accordance with the Scriptures.
Blessed be all who Believe in the Miracle of the Resurrection of the Parsnip! For one time before did He roam the land in search of Good Parsnips, and failed only due to the searing heat in the desert killing him before he arrived at Mecca. Ooops, wrong religion.
Regardless, it was His fault! Everyone knows that parsnips do not grow in the desert.
But fortunately, three days later, I was created in the 2nd Immaculate Conception as the result of a Holy Union between Mother Teresa, Anne Widdecombe, Margaret Thatcher and The Seed of a Thrusting Parsnip, provided by Ronald Reagan and impregnated deep within the aforementioned Parsnip. I feel Proud of My Noble Heritage!
Since my Conception, I have not veered, deviated or digressed from the True Goal of Parsnip Advocacy. My mind is focused and sharp at all times. My job on Earth is merely to spread the good word in any way possible. The Lord agrees with me, and hence my occasionally unorthodox manners.
But I do not have to justify myself to You or to Anyone!
In turn, your duty calls. It is a simple one which you could not have difficulty with.
It is to Eat Parsnips.
Once you have fed off My Bounty, consuming every last drop of my Power and Strength, I will leave this Earth, for my job of Spreading My Seed will be done. I will have planted within each and every one of you the Tool of Everlasting Joy. And you will be grateful and say much Thanks and Praise to Your Friend, The Parsnip.
And yet, the mystery of the religion is, thus:
AT ALL TIMES YOU WILL FEAR THE PARSNIP!!!!
May God have mercy on your pathetic souls.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
No Woman, No Cry!
Connoisseurs of my journal will know that the wife left me a week or two ago. I can't remember the exact date, as the Stupid Heathenous Bitch is of no consequence any more. I have no feelings for her, the cunt!
But this evening, I couldn't feel better about it!
I cracked open my Bob Marley CD, flung open the doors of my hotel balcony, and am now sitting high atop the streets of London. The sun is setting beautifully, Bob Marley is playing loudly and I have acquired some good ganja, in the true spirit of Bob himself!
London's streets are full of the finest dealers in the country!
Peace and Love to all!
Once I've finished this, I intend to see if I can smoke a Parsnip. Good gracious! Imagine the highs I would get from one of my private "under the bed" stash!
Love The Parsnip!
But this evening, I couldn't feel better about it!
I cracked open my Bob Marley CD, flung open the doors of my hotel balcony, and am now sitting high atop the streets of London. The sun is setting beautifully, Bob Marley is playing loudly and I have acquired some good ganja, in the true spirit of Bob himself!
London's streets are full of the finest dealers in the country!
Peace and Love to all!
Once I've finished this, I intend to see if I can smoke a Parsnip. Good gracious! Imagine the highs I would get from one of my private "under the bed" stash!
Love The Parsnip!
Monday, June 14, 2004
Death!
I meant to say "Dearth" there, but I thought I'd just tease you for a moment!
Haha, I know there are lots of HEATHENS who would rejoice to hear news of the Death of the Parsnip! I laugh in your faces! You will never bring down the Parsnip!
Today has been an amusing day. I decided to pay a visit to Parliament Square. As usual, there were a number of stalls set up for pro-fox hunting, anti-fox hunting, and pro-anti-aunties-for-pros-party. I despite anyone who tries to make prostitutes out of people's aunties. It is not appropriate!
But I decided that it would be a good idea to set up my own stall. I promptly purchased a wallpaper pasting table, the type on which one sees wares being peddled at a car boot sale, and adorned it with my favourite variety of parsnips.
The draw of my table was magnetic!
All around many people came to view the Parsnip at His Full Glory! I posed for many pictures in numerous "FEAR THE PARSNIP!" gestures for the tourists. They look very dramatic, but I am not allowed to post links to them, as I suspect my enemies may try to use them against me in their own propaganda. I must not fall to their level!
Shortly afterwards I was arrested for public order offences.
People just aren't ready to accept a The Naked Parsnip (i.e. "His Full Glory!") just yet.
UPDATE: I have been informed by my solicitor that the aforementioned pictures may be published after all. On disgusting filthy websites, filled with filth about dirty crack ho's sticking parsnips in All The Wrong Orifices!
Shudder! My thoughts go out to all of my Parsnippery Brethren who suffer such fates!
Haha, I know there are lots of HEATHENS who would rejoice to hear news of the Death of the Parsnip! I laugh in your faces! You will never bring down the Parsnip!
Today has been an amusing day. I decided to pay a visit to Parliament Square. As usual, there were a number of stalls set up for pro-fox hunting, anti-fox hunting, and pro-anti-aunties-for-pros-party. I despite anyone who tries to make prostitutes out of people's aunties. It is not appropriate!
But I decided that it would be a good idea to set up my own stall. I promptly purchased a wallpaper pasting table, the type on which one sees wares being peddled at a car boot sale, and adorned it with my favourite variety of parsnips.
The draw of my table was magnetic!
All around many people came to view the Parsnip at His Full Glory! I posed for many pictures in numerous "FEAR THE PARSNIP!" gestures for the tourists. They look very dramatic, but I am not allowed to post links to them, as I suspect my enemies may try to use them against me in their own propaganda. I must not fall to their level!
Shortly afterwards I was arrested for public order offences.
People just aren't ready to accept a The Naked Parsnip (i.e. "His Full Glory!") just yet.
UPDATE: I have been informed by my solicitor that the aforementioned pictures may be published after all. On disgusting filthy websites, filled with filth about dirty crack ho's sticking parsnips in All The Wrong Orifices!
Shudder! My thoughts go out to all of my Parsnippery Brethren who suffer such fates!
Sunday, June 13, 2004
A Warning
12 Tequila Slammers are not a good idea.
Fuck me. Not even the Powers of the Parsnip (usually an excellent hangover cure!) will save me from this one.
Oh gosh. Another explosion.
Fuck me. Not even the Powers of the Parsnip (usually an excellent hangover cure!) will save me from this one.
Oh gosh. Another explosion.
