Friday, June 04, 2004
The wife has left me!
I can't believe it! She'd never told me anything was wrong!
And now the Parsnip is without a Bride!
This is a terrible blow. I fear she has run off and married the Chief Executive of McDonalds UK.
There is something very sinister about it! I know she has not run off because of love for another vegetable: such as the evil turnip... but I still suspect there must be some involvement of some dark force somewhere.
A new crusade must begin! This will only be a temporary setback before the Way of the Parsnip finally inherits the Earth!
Bow before it!
And now the Parsnip is without a Bride!
This is a terrible blow. I fear she has run off and married the Chief Executive of McDonalds UK.
There is something very sinister about it! I know she has not run off because of love for another vegetable: such as the evil turnip... but I still suspect there must be some involvement of some dark force somewhere.
A new crusade must begin! This will only be a temporary setback before the Way of the Parsnip finally inherits the Earth!
Bow before it!
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Quickie
Outside the window is a large screen. It bears adverts for McDonalds and things.
As such, it is evil.
So I smashed it up with a big baseball bat while no one was looking.
That is all.
As such, it is evil.
So I smashed it up with a big baseball bat while no one was looking.
That is all.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Successful!
This morning has been productive!
I decided it was time for a full frontal assault on McDonalds. I have let me attention slip the past couple of days, and for this I should be flaggelated most severely. I would do this myself, but God does not seem to want me to do so. I know if He would, because he would take control of my body, send me down to Soho and ensure that I receive appropriate corrective discipline.
Having said that, I may make a personal visit anyway, to inspect the conditions that the prostitutes work in. I often used to do this in Mevagissey, as I provided them with excellent support and the powerful blasts of energy that they required to keep them going. I would not want others to miss out on the Power of the Parsnip! They should feel humbled to be in My Presence!
But anyway, I went down to the McDonalds UK head office. Everything ran like clockwork. I drove down in a large lorry, packed to the hilt with parsnips. One could feel the magnetism and raw beauty emanating from the huge amount of parsnips that were in the container behind my seat in the cabin of the truck. It almost distracted me from my crusade! But I was strong. The Lord provides strength and comfort to those in need!
I made it to the front gate. I was asked for clearance, and I immediately supplied the man with a dose of Express Verbal Authorisation. I roared in his face
FEAR THE ALMIGHTY WRATH OF THE PARSNIP!!!
and then proceeded to kick him in the face with my stomping boots.
I crashed through the gates, slowed down, and then carefully reversed into the building. Smash crash and boom!
I then opened the back of the container (aren't remote controls wonderful!) and the building was deluged with parsnips. Turnip Heathens and Satan Creators were drowned in the Glorious Sea of Parsnip! The Parsnips cleansed their sins by cleansing them from this Earth!
I jumped out the cabin and promptly bellowed:
IT IS NO USE TRYING TO RESIST THE PARSNIP! FOR IT WILL STRIKE YOU WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT! TODAY IS A LESSON! LEARN FROM IT!
I then snatched a nearby Turnip Tower off one of the corpses of a member of staff (he must have been eating at the time!) and stood on it. I felt immense satisfaction as the miserable excuse for a vegetable was crushed into the ground.
I jumped back into the cabin and sped off.
They shall not forget this day!
And nor shall I, for it is the day when I Struck a Crushing Blow for Parsnip Lovers Everywhere! There is no need to fear the influence of McDonalds any more!
Go now, eat a Parsnip or Two, and Spread the Word! Spread the Love by Torching McDonalds Restaurants everywhere! The flame will be provided by the Lord Himself!
The only good McDonalds is a Burning McDonalds! The burning is a mere representation of the Power of God's Love (And The Way of the Parsnip!)
Revere it!
I decided it was time for a full frontal assault on McDonalds. I have let me attention slip the past couple of days, and for this I should be flaggelated most severely. I would do this myself, but God does not seem to want me to do so. I know if He would, because he would take control of my body, send me down to Soho and ensure that I receive appropriate corrective discipline.
Having said that, I may make a personal visit anyway, to inspect the conditions that the prostitutes work in. I often used to do this in Mevagissey, as I provided them with excellent support and the powerful blasts of energy that they required to keep them going. I would not want others to miss out on the Power of the Parsnip! They should feel humbled to be in My Presence!
But anyway, I went down to the McDonalds UK head office. Everything ran like clockwork. I drove down in a large lorry, packed to the hilt with parsnips. One could feel the magnetism and raw beauty emanating from the huge amount of parsnips that were in the container behind my seat in the cabin of the truck. It almost distracted me from my crusade! But I was strong. The Lord provides strength and comfort to those in need!
I made it to the front gate. I was asked for clearance, and I immediately supplied the man with a dose of Express Verbal Authorisation. I roared in his face
FEAR THE ALMIGHTY WRATH OF THE PARSNIP!!!
and then proceeded to kick him in the face with my stomping boots.
I crashed through the gates, slowed down, and then carefully reversed into the building. Smash crash and boom!
I then opened the back of the container (aren't remote controls wonderful!) and the building was deluged with parsnips. Turnip Heathens and Satan Creators were drowned in the Glorious Sea of Parsnip! The Parsnips cleansed their sins by cleansing them from this Earth!
I jumped out the cabin and promptly bellowed:
IT IS NO USE TRYING TO RESIST THE PARSNIP! FOR IT WILL STRIKE YOU WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT! TODAY IS A LESSON! LEARN FROM IT!
I then snatched a nearby Turnip Tower off one of the corpses of a member of staff (he must have been eating at the time!) and stood on it. I felt immense satisfaction as the miserable excuse for a vegetable was crushed into the ground.
I jumped back into the cabin and sped off.
They shall not forget this day!
And nor shall I, for it is the day when I Struck a Crushing Blow for Parsnip Lovers Everywhere! There is no need to fear the influence of McDonalds any more!
Go now, eat a Parsnip or Two, and Spread the Word! Spread the Love by Torching McDonalds Restaurants everywhere! The flame will be provided by the Lord Himself!
The only good McDonalds is a Burning McDonalds! The burning is a mere representation of the Power of God's Love (And The Way of the Parsnip!)
Revere it!
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Nuclear War!
Can you imagine what this would be like?
No Parsnip for anyone, for the soil would not be fertile enough!
What a woeful scenario! Banish it!
No Parsnip for anyone, for the soil would not be fertile enough!
What a woeful scenario! Banish it!
Monday, May 31, 2004
People do not realise!
And yet ignorance is not an excuse!
The Lord WILL strike down all of these bastards that are voting against my blog on bloghop.com! (Links to which are on the right)
I assume, naturally, that all of these people are not reading properly. They do not understand the underlying message of devotion to all things Parsnip. The Parsnip will Provide if selfless toil is granted to his Power!
You didn't have an excuse before... but let this be your final warning. If you vote against because you are a turnip lover, then fear not, because all is not lost. You can read through my journal and be enlightened! Then you will immediately run to your refridgerators and burn all of your turnips in a glorious fire! Laugh as its puniness is cast into the flames and never eaten again! Feel free of its Wicked Ways!
Open your ears and mouth To Receive The Parsnip, and He Will Bless You With His Love!
The Lord WILL strike down all of these bastards that are voting against my blog on bloghop.com! (Links to which are on the right)
I assume, naturally, that all of these people are not reading properly. They do not understand the underlying message of devotion to all things Parsnip. The Parsnip will Provide if selfless toil is granted to his Power!
You didn't have an excuse before... but let this be your final warning. If you vote against because you are a turnip lover, then fear not, because all is not lost. You can read through my journal and be enlightened! Then you will immediately run to your refridgerators and burn all of your turnips in a glorious fire! Laugh as its puniness is cast into the flames and never eaten again! Feel free of its Wicked Ways!
Open your ears and mouth To Receive The Parsnip, and He Will Bless You With His Love!
Sunday, May 30, 2004
For Whom The Parsnip Tolls
Sundays are filled with pleasant reminiscences at the moment, as I'm still not able to perform my sermon duties at a church, because I don't have one at present.
So instead, when 10:30am comes, I sit down and recreate an entire service from memory. My memory is remarkable, and I am able to recall every little detail and nuance of the things that happened. I like to have much bell ringing during my service, and so I also re-enacted the Bells Tolling with my ginormous mouth (bigger than Steven Tyler's of Aerosmith!) ... and this had the unfortunate result of being knocked up by one of the maids in my hotel. Some guests, it seems, did not appreciate such 100dB piercing booms on a Sunday morning.
Today, I recreated one of my favourite services from 1997, shortly after the election of Tony Blair as the Prime Minister of the UK.
In it, I warned of people not to be taken away and swept aside by Tony's dashing good looks and uncanny ability to speak what everyone was feeling. I especially warned the Old Dears of this, as they were convinced that he was going to give them all free teeth, free wigs and free newspapers everyday, hand delivered by a local paperboy (paid no more than £1/hour!). The cheeky beggers only wanted everything free, even though Mevagissey Pensioners are well known across the UK for being some of the most affluent in the land!
They all want something for nothing. And later, as is proven, they all wanted a piece of the Parsnip for free, too. I should have charged the bastards to hear my Great Sermons. My wise words we cast upon them, but they largely ignored them, and only to their own peril, as was proved when many Old Dears were washed away in the floods of 2001! I had already warned them that night that they would not be able to sleep easy in their beds that evening! A forceful gush would take them away and cause great embarassment, shame and inconvenience!
Most of them thought I was talking about a sudden plague of incontinence and redoubled their underwear protection: most opting to wear several pairs of undergarments.
Alas, that wasn't much protection against the flash floods. Many of them were washed away over yonder Hill, never seen again. No doubt they now live in the wild, where there is no Meals On Wheels to keep them alive. Or an NHS to see to their dodgy hips! Or Tony Blair to promise them that things will only get better!
The Parsnip Is Wise! Ignore Him At Your Peril!
So instead, when 10:30am comes, I sit down and recreate an entire service from memory. My memory is remarkable, and I am able to recall every little detail and nuance of the things that happened. I like to have much bell ringing during my service, and so I also re-enacted the Bells Tolling with my ginormous mouth (bigger than Steven Tyler's of Aerosmith!) ... and this had the unfortunate result of being knocked up by one of the maids in my hotel. Some guests, it seems, did not appreciate such 100dB piercing booms on a Sunday morning.
Today, I recreated one of my favourite services from 1997, shortly after the election of Tony Blair as the Prime Minister of the UK.
In it, I warned of people not to be taken away and swept aside by Tony's dashing good looks and uncanny ability to speak what everyone was feeling. I especially warned the Old Dears of this, as they were convinced that he was going to give them all free teeth, free wigs and free newspapers everyday, hand delivered by a local paperboy (paid no more than £1/hour!). The cheeky beggers only wanted everything free, even though Mevagissey Pensioners are well known across the UK for being some of the most affluent in the land!
They all want something for nothing. And later, as is proven, they all wanted a piece of the Parsnip for free, too. I should have charged the bastards to hear my Great Sermons. My wise words we cast upon them, but they largely ignored them, and only to their own peril, as was proved when many Old Dears were washed away in the floods of 2001! I had already warned them that night that they would not be able to sleep easy in their beds that evening! A forceful gush would take them away and cause great embarassment, shame and inconvenience!
Most of them thought I was talking about a sudden plague of incontinence and redoubled their underwear protection: most opting to wear several pairs of undergarments.
Alas, that wasn't much protection against the flash floods. Many of them were washed away over yonder Hill, never seen again. No doubt they now live in the wild, where there is no Meals On Wheels to keep them alive. Or an NHS to see to their dodgy hips! Or Tony Blair to promise them that things will only get better!
The Parsnip Is Wise! Ignore Him At Your Peril!
