Saturday, July 31, 2004
Tragic News
Your Reverend is Not Well! At All!
Lately, I have been suffering from a decline in Power. I am very concerned that the Parsnip is not bringing the Joy it once used to into my life.
This is indeed something of a mid-life Crisis for me. But I cannot let my Flock down. They deserve to receive their Weekly Dose of Parsnip.
I suggest that this may be the time when I must lock myself into a dark closet for some days with Important Literature, including a copy of the Bible, The Parsnip Scrolls and the past five issues of Loaded, FHM and Zoo.
This will be how I correct myself and restore my faith in Humanity.
The Breasts of Milton Keynes are indeed saggy! They are not pert! They do not fill one with Exuberance!
It is important to remind one's self from time to time that We Can Do Better!
And Your Parsnip Will Do Better! He Will Restore And Erect His Former Glory!
Lately, I have been suffering from a decline in Power. I am very concerned that the Parsnip is not bringing the Joy it once used to into my life.
This is indeed something of a mid-life Crisis for me. But I cannot let my Flock down. They deserve to receive their Weekly Dose of Parsnip.
I suggest that this may be the time when I must lock myself into a dark closet for some days with Important Literature, including a copy of the Bible, The Parsnip Scrolls and the past five issues of Loaded, FHM and Zoo.
This will be how I correct myself and restore my faith in Humanity.
The Breasts of Milton Keynes are indeed saggy! They are not pert! They do not fill one with Exuberance!
It is important to remind one's self from time to time that We Can Do Better!
And Your Parsnip Will Do Better! He Will Restore And Erect His Former Glory!
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Firestarter!
Some say that I'm a firestarter. A twisted firestarter.
This is simply not true.
I did not burn down the local tavern because it was called "Turnip Inn". I torched it because it was called the "Turnip Inn".
There is a world of difference. Torching involves a great deal of skill, particularly finding a good size green glass bottle, filling it with petrol from the local garage (and not paying for the goods, of course). Then, it is essential to find a good quality newspaper: The Times is always a classic, and then stuffing it into the bottle but leaving just enough hanging out to give a clean connection to the naked flame then applied.
Only a Zippo lighter will do to light the paper.
Optimum trajectory calculated via trigonometry.
Launch! Crash! Bang!
Then stand back and watch the Heretics Burn. It was like Joan of Arc. But a more Glorious version of Joan of Arc. Somewhat like watching Jeffrey Archer burn at the stake. Now that would be something people would pay to see.
Fear The Parsnip! For His Molotov Cocktails Of Love Will Bless You If You Do Not Pay The Protection Racket Money!
This is simply not true.
I did not burn down the local tavern because it was called "Turnip Inn". I torched it because it was called the "Turnip Inn".
There is a world of difference. Torching involves a great deal of skill, particularly finding a good size green glass bottle, filling it with petrol from the local garage (and not paying for the goods, of course). Then, it is essential to find a good quality newspaper: The Times is always a classic, and then stuffing it into the bottle but leaving just enough hanging out to give a clean connection to the naked flame then applied.
Only a Zippo lighter will do to light the paper.
Optimum trajectory calculated via trigonometry.
Launch! Crash! Bang!
Then stand back and watch the Heretics Burn. It was like Joan of Arc. But a more Glorious version of Joan of Arc. Somewhat like watching Jeffrey Archer burn at the stake. Now that would be something people would pay to see.
Fear The Parsnip! For His Molotov Cocktails Of Love Will Bless You If You Do Not Pay The Protection Racket Money!
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Teh Rev: Teh L33T Cracker!
Here is a lesson for you all, my children.
Never Mess With Teh Rev!
The story is as follows:
Some years ago I was fucked over by some cunt. Well, I suppose that's exaggerating it. It was a minor incident. But in the Grand Scheme of Things, any action against the Rev is considered Major, and His Wrath may be inflicted at any given time.
Ever since, I've been looking for a way to exact a small piece of correction, as it were.
Today, it was found.
I recalled that I hadn't seen the cunt on MSN for some years now. So taking a gamble, I made an attempt to register his old Hotmail address.
To my surprise, the account had expired! His e-mail address became My e-mail address.
Logging on to MSN Messenger with my new address revealed several of his contacts. If I'm feeling particularly devious I could pretend to be the person whose identity I have stolen.
There's also a disturbing pattern in the profiles of his contacts, which I shall not disclose here. My suspicions have been aroused.
Using this e-mail address, I also went on to recover his ICQ password for his number... which I have now commandeered.
The moral of the tale: never retire an e-mail address, especially one which you've had MSN contacts on in the past! It can be used by your enemies in ways you could never imagine :-)
FEAR THE PARSNIP!!
Never Mess With Teh Rev!
The story is as follows:
Some years ago I was fucked over by some cunt. Well, I suppose that's exaggerating it. It was a minor incident. But in the Grand Scheme of Things, any action against the Rev is considered Major, and His Wrath may be inflicted at any given time.
Ever since, I've been looking for a way to exact a small piece of correction, as it were.
Today, it was found.
I recalled that I hadn't seen the cunt on MSN for some years now. So taking a gamble, I made an attempt to register his old Hotmail address.
To my surprise, the account had expired! His e-mail address became My e-mail address.
Logging on to MSN Messenger with my new address revealed several of his contacts. If I'm feeling particularly devious I could pretend to be the person whose identity I have stolen.
There's also a disturbing pattern in the profiles of his contacts, which I shall not disclose here. My suspicions have been aroused.
Using this e-mail address, I also went on to recover his ICQ password for his number... which I have now commandeered.
The moral of the tale: never retire an e-mail address, especially one which you've had MSN contacts on in the past! It can be used by your enemies in ways you could never imagine :-)
FEAR THE PARSNIP!!
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Ask Teh Rev: Week 5
This week's excellent question comes from Rosemary May from Milton Keynes. It reads:
Dear Reverend Parsnip,
HAIL THE PARSNIP! We, the Heathens of Milton Keynes and the surrounding areas are meant to eat the Parsnip, this much I understand. However, is there a prefered state that the Parsnip should be in during consumption? Roasted, stewed, or perhaps eaten raw?
Yours sincerely
Rosemary May
This is the question I have been waiting to get my teeth into for some time. I was sure that someone would finally yield to the Request For Important Knowledge that is the correct consumption state of the Parsnip.
First of all, it is pleasing to note that my local congregation in Milton Keynes is paying heed to my word. They are good people at heart, apart from those that are bad people at heart, of which there are many. But they are the challenge to which I will attack and succeed!
Regular readers of my journal will know that I have often advocated eating the Parsnip raw. For it is only in this stiff and beautiful form that the most Power is to be gained.
However, I understand that this is not to everyone's taste. Indeed, to many who have eaten it raw they have often been forced to spit as they gagged on receiving Too Much Power all at once. This is not recommended for young children. Indeed, it would be severely frowned upon and a custodial sentence may result. (although evil Sinners in the Catholic Church who are Heathens have attempted this and got away with it. They will be Condemned To Hell and Judged.)
To those who are slowly weening themselves onto a diet of parsnips, I suggest something that will soften their fibrous nature. A good boiling or stewing will do much to loosen up the outer skin. You may wish to complement it with some carrot and dice or mash it up. Until recently, this was considered quite heathenous, but I have decided to relax my restrictions on this. Carrots seem to be a very good bedfellow with a Parsnip, especially if their names are Julia or Sylvia. Oh my!
However, this is only an acceptable phase as long as one is slowly building up their acceptance of Parsnip Love. Mashed, diced, stewed or boiled parsnips are limp and weak; they do not provide a good source of all the nutrients, as many of them are washed away during the aforementioned cooking processes.
Instead, this should be looked upon as a transitory stage, during which you work your way up to eating The Raw Parsnip, in all its Strong Glory. Indeed, as you work your way up the ranks, you may find it possible to consume ones of extreme length and girth, often all in one go. These are the best: considered the Holy Grail in The Way of the Parsnip.
There will be some who can never quite make it. They are not sinners or heathens, for at least they tried. They will be looked upon favourably at the Final Parsnip Banquet, but they may have to spend several months in purgatory for their failings.
This, naturally, is preferable to spending an eternity in Hell, having Turnips Thrust Up Your Rectum.
Receive This Knowledge! So It Is Written, So Shall It Be Done!
Another Question Next Week! Send in your questions to the address on the right.
Hail The Parsnip!
Dear Reverend Parsnip,
HAIL THE PARSNIP! We, the Heathens of Milton Keynes and the surrounding areas are meant to eat the Parsnip, this much I understand. However, is there a prefered state that the Parsnip should be in during consumption? Roasted, stewed, or perhaps eaten raw?
Yours sincerely
Rosemary May
This is the question I have been waiting to get my teeth into for some time. I was sure that someone would finally yield to the Request For Important Knowledge that is the correct consumption state of the Parsnip.
First of all, it is pleasing to note that my local congregation in Milton Keynes is paying heed to my word. They are good people at heart, apart from those that are bad people at heart, of which there are many. But they are the challenge to which I will attack and succeed!
Regular readers of my journal will know that I have often advocated eating the Parsnip raw. For it is only in this stiff and beautiful form that the most Power is to be gained.
However, I understand that this is not to everyone's taste. Indeed, to many who have eaten it raw they have often been forced to spit as they gagged on receiving Too Much Power all at once. This is not recommended for young children. Indeed, it would be severely frowned upon and a custodial sentence may result. (although evil Sinners in the Catholic Church who are Heathens have attempted this and got away with it. They will be Condemned To Hell and Judged.)
To those who are slowly weening themselves onto a diet of parsnips, I suggest something that will soften their fibrous nature. A good boiling or stewing will do much to loosen up the outer skin. You may wish to complement it with some carrot and dice or mash it up. Until recently, this was considered quite heathenous, but I have decided to relax my restrictions on this. Carrots seem to be a very good bedfellow with a Parsnip, especially if their names are Julia or Sylvia. Oh my!
However, this is only an acceptable phase as long as one is slowly building up their acceptance of Parsnip Love. Mashed, diced, stewed or boiled parsnips are limp and weak; they do not provide a good source of all the nutrients, as many of them are washed away during the aforementioned cooking processes.
Instead, this should be looked upon as a transitory stage, during which you work your way up to eating The Raw Parsnip, in all its Strong Glory. Indeed, as you work your way up the ranks, you may find it possible to consume ones of extreme length and girth, often all in one go. These are the best: considered the Holy Grail in The Way of the Parsnip.
There will be some who can never quite make it. They are not sinners or heathens, for at least they tried. They will be looked upon favourably at the Final Parsnip Banquet, but they may have to spend several months in purgatory for their failings.
This, naturally, is preferable to spending an eternity in Hell, having Turnips Thrust Up Your Rectum.
Receive This Knowledge! So It Is Written, So Shall It Be Done!
Another Question Next Week! Send in your questions to the address on the right.
Hail The Parsnip!
Monday, July 26, 2004
A Small Walk
Today, I decided to take a tour of Milton Keynes. As I've only just returned from a holiday fuelled by mind-bending drugs and much debauchery, my memories of the vicarage orchard, the post office, the cathouse, the whorehouse and the bordello are much faded.
So they were duly refreshed!
And so Was The Rev!
But on my journey I crossed this rather small and quaint bridge. It was unusual to see a bridge of such fashion in such a New Town as Milton Keynes. Indeed, it was so unusual that I decided that the best thing to do was to destroy it and ensure that it would never again blot the landscape.
New Towns are supposed to be concrete ridden nightmares! This was uncharacteristic...
So I duly packed the underside with 20kg of Semtex, lit the blue touch paper and retired to a safe distance of some 30 miles.
It later dawned upon me that I should have warned the local Constabulary of my decision to destroy the bridge. Not that they would have minded since they are currently on my payroll, but it's sometimes good manners to let people know when this kind of thing is going to happen. After all, it doesn't occur on a daily basis here in Milton Keynes.
Upon my return the bridge was nought but a smoking crater. I noticed in the centre of the crater was some text, singed into the ground, and then all around on the grass verge. Also, there were several dead bodies of Heathens who attempted to stop The Parsnip in his Way. They were duly punished.
The text read simply: "Allah Akbar Parsnip!"
I believe it is a message from Cat Stevens. He is a good friend of mine, and since his recent conversion to Islam, he has been a great supporter of the Way of the Parsnip, including rallying the troops on the other side of the Great Religious Divide.
My allies are everywhere! Be Warned! For They May Be Spying On You At This Very Moment!
Fear The Parsnip! For He Destroys Bridges Out Of Place In Modern Contexts!
So they were duly refreshed!
And so Was The Rev!
But on my journey I crossed this rather small and quaint bridge. It was unusual to see a bridge of such fashion in such a New Town as Milton Keynes. Indeed, it was so unusual that I decided that the best thing to do was to destroy it and ensure that it would never again blot the landscape.
New Towns are supposed to be concrete ridden nightmares! This was uncharacteristic...
So I duly packed the underside with 20kg of Semtex, lit the blue touch paper and retired to a safe distance of some 30 miles.
It later dawned upon me that I should have warned the local Constabulary of my decision to destroy the bridge. Not that they would have minded since they are currently on my payroll, but it's sometimes good manners to let people know when this kind of thing is going to happen. After all, it doesn't occur on a daily basis here in Milton Keynes.
Upon my return the bridge was nought but a smoking crater. I noticed in the centre of the crater was some text, singed into the ground, and then all around on the grass verge. Also, there were several dead bodies of Heathens who attempted to stop The Parsnip in his Way. They were duly punished.
The text read simply: "Allah Akbar Parsnip!"
I believe it is a message from Cat Stevens. He is a good friend of mine, and since his recent conversion to Islam, he has been a great supporter of the Way of the Parsnip, including rallying the troops on the other side of the Great Religious Divide.
My allies are everywhere! Be Warned! For They May Be Spying On You At This Very Moment!
Fear The Parsnip! For He Destroys Bridges Out Of Place In Modern Contexts!
Sunday, July 25, 2004
The Great Return
As a Reverend, I often find that sorry seems to be the hardest word. As such, I never apologise. But there is a good reason for that, because there is never anything to apologise for. The Way of the Parsnip is Always Right and True.
This was amply demonstrated to me whilst on my summer pilgrimage the past week or so. It is indeed good to be home again, however, one must counter-balance that with the woeful sense of foreboding that living in Milton Keynes brings.
I digress. My pilgrimage was short but it was effort filled. I whipped up a storm in the local village I stayed in, largely by soft goading. I would often go into the apres-ski bars and clubs at night and mix up a storm. It is remarkably easy how people let me be the Guest DJ for the evening, simply by discussing how I can put a good word in with the Lord. For did the Good Lord not say, "Judge the Parsnip not, Lest Ye Be Judged By Him"?
The turntables were scratched and the low fitting jeans were brought out with style and aplomb. The Vicar became the most popular attraction in a village that seemed to be stuck in the 1950s. I brought the village right up to date!
They soon saw the light! No longer is Austria 94% Catholic! They are now under my Power!
On my return I made a detour through Switzerland and visited a bank. There, I opened up a nice new Swiss bank account through which I can store my ill-gotten gains. Wait! They aren't ill-gotten...
Hmm, I should never have typed that. Now I am suspicious. Someone is planting evil thoughts in my brain. There's something I'm missing... I should not be using such a poor cliché at this time of morning.
Fear the Parsnip! For He Will Now Analyse The Situation Like a Good University Professor And Solve The Problem! There Is No Need To Worry!
This was amply demonstrated to me whilst on my summer pilgrimage the past week or so. It is indeed good to be home again, however, one must counter-balance that with the woeful sense of foreboding that living in Milton Keynes brings.
I digress. My pilgrimage was short but it was effort filled. I whipped up a storm in the local village I stayed in, largely by soft goading. I would often go into the apres-ski bars and clubs at night and mix up a storm. It is remarkably easy how people let me be the Guest DJ for the evening, simply by discussing how I can put a good word in with the Lord. For did the Good Lord not say, "Judge the Parsnip not, Lest Ye Be Judged By Him"?
The turntables were scratched and the low fitting jeans were brought out with style and aplomb. The Vicar became the most popular attraction in a village that seemed to be stuck in the 1950s. I brought the village right up to date!
They soon saw the light! No longer is Austria 94% Catholic! They are now under my Power!
On my return I made a detour through Switzerland and visited a bank. There, I opened up a nice new Swiss bank account through which I can store my ill-gotten gains. Wait! They aren't ill-gotten...
Hmm, I should never have typed that. Now I am suspicious. Someone is planting evil thoughts in my brain. There's something I'm missing... I should not be using such a poor cliché at this time of morning.
Fear the Parsnip! For He Will Now Analyse The Situation Like a Good University Professor And Solve The Problem! There Is No Need To Worry!
