Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Ask Teh Rev: Week 5
This week's excellent question comes from Rosemary May from Milton Keynes. It reads:
Dear Reverend Parsnip,
HAIL THE PARSNIP! We, the Heathens of Milton Keynes and the surrounding areas are meant to eat the Parsnip, this much I understand. However, is there a prefered state that the Parsnip should be in during consumption? Roasted, stewed, or perhaps eaten raw?
Yours sincerely
Rosemary May
This is the question I have been waiting to get my teeth into for some time. I was sure that someone would finally yield to the Request For Important Knowledge that is the correct consumption state of the Parsnip.
First of all, it is pleasing to note that my local congregation in Milton Keynes is paying heed to my word. They are good people at heart, apart from those that are bad people at heart, of which there are many. But they are the challenge to which I will attack and succeed!
Regular readers of my journal will know that I have often advocated eating the Parsnip raw. For it is only in this stiff and beautiful form that the most Power is to be gained.
However, I understand that this is not to everyone's taste. Indeed, to many who have eaten it raw they have often been forced to spit as they gagged on receiving Too Much Power all at once. This is not recommended for young children. Indeed, it would be severely frowned upon and a custodial sentence may result. (although evil Sinners in the Catholic Church who are Heathens have attempted this and got away with it. They will be Condemned To Hell and Judged.)
To those who are slowly weening themselves onto a diet of parsnips, I suggest something that will soften their fibrous nature. A good boiling or stewing will do much to loosen up the outer skin. You may wish to complement it with some carrot and dice or mash it up. Until recently, this was considered quite heathenous, but I have decided to relax my restrictions on this. Carrots seem to be a very good bedfellow with a Parsnip, especially if their names are Julia or Sylvia. Oh my!
However, this is only an acceptable phase as long as one is slowly building up their acceptance of Parsnip Love. Mashed, diced, stewed or boiled parsnips are limp and weak; they do not provide a good source of all the nutrients, as many of them are washed away during the aforementioned cooking processes.
Instead, this should be looked upon as a transitory stage, during which you work your way up to eating The Raw Parsnip, in all its Strong Glory. Indeed, as you work your way up the ranks, you may find it possible to consume ones of extreme length and girth, often all in one go. These are the best: considered the Holy Grail in The Way of the Parsnip.
There will be some who can never quite make it. They are not sinners or heathens, for at least they tried. They will be looked upon favourably at the Final Parsnip Banquet, but they may have to spend several months in purgatory for their failings.
This, naturally, is preferable to spending an eternity in Hell, having Turnips Thrust Up Your Rectum.
Receive This Knowledge! So It Is Written, So Shall It Be Done!
Another Question Next Week! Send in your questions to the address on the right.
Hail The Parsnip!
Dear Reverend Parsnip,
HAIL THE PARSNIP! We, the Heathens of Milton Keynes and the surrounding areas are meant to eat the Parsnip, this much I understand. However, is there a prefered state that the Parsnip should be in during consumption? Roasted, stewed, or perhaps eaten raw?
Yours sincerely
Rosemary May
This is the question I have been waiting to get my teeth into for some time. I was sure that someone would finally yield to the Request For Important Knowledge that is the correct consumption state of the Parsnip.
First of all, it is pleasing to note that my local congregation in Milton Keynes is paying heed to my word. They are good people at heart, apart from those that are bad people at heart, of which there are many. But they are the challenge to which I will attack and succeed!
Regular readers of my journal will know that I have often advocated eating the Parsnip raw. For it is only in this stiff and beautiful form that the most Power is to be gained.
However, I understand that this is not to everyone's taste. Indeed, to many who have eaten it raw they have often been forced to spit as they gagged on receiving Too Much Power all at once. This is not recommended for young children. Indeed, it would be severely frowned upon and a custodial sentence may result. (although evil Sinners in the Catholic Church who are Heathens have attempted this and got away with it. They will be Condemned To Hell and Judged.)
To those who are slowly weening themselves onto a diet of parsnips, I suggest something that will soften their fibrous nature. A good boiling or stewing will do much to loosen up the outer skin. You may wish to complement it with some carrot and dice or mash it up. Until recently, this was considered quite heathenous, but I have decided to relax my restrictions on this. Carrots seem to be a very good bedfellow with a Parsnip, especially if their names are Julia or Sylvia. Oh my!
However, this is only an acceptable phase as long as one is slowly building up their acceptance of Parsnip Love. Mashed, diced, stewed or boiled parsnips are limp and weak; they do not provide a good source of all the nutrients, as many of them are washed away during the aforementioned cooking processes.
Instead, this should be looked upon as a transitory stage, during which you work your way up to eating The Raw Parsnip, in all its Strong Glory. Indeed, as you work your way up the ranks, you may find it possible to consume ones of extreme length and girth, often all in one go. These are the best: considered the Holy Grail in The Way of the Parsnip.
There will be some who can never quite make it. They are not sinners or heathens, for at least they tried. They will be looked upon favourably at the Final Parsnip Banquet, but they may have to spend several months in purgatory for their failings.
This, naturally, is preferable to spending an eternity in Hell, having Turnips Thrust Up Your Rectum.
Receive This Knowledge! So It Is Written, So Shall It Be Done!
Another Question Next Week! Send in your questions to the address on the right.
Hail The Parsnip!
