Friday, June 11, 2004
Writing for Columbia
I have started on one of my greatest projects. Once complete, it will herald the coming of the dawn of the age of the Way of the Parsnip!
Yes! I am rewriting the Bible from start to finish. Everyone knows it's full of bollocks. It often contradicts itself several times in one page.
So I would like to remove this measure of uncertainty from Our Faith. And once I have finished, it will no longer be Our Faith. It will be My Faith. But You will accept My Faith, and so once again it will become Our Faith. Do you follow?
I intend to start with the Sermon on the Mount of Olives. Of course, everyone knows that olives are a heinous creation. So the Sermon will take place on the Mount of Parsnips.
And Noah's Ark? Yup, you guessed it, "Noah's Parsnip."
This will be the tale of how Noah found the first parsnip seed. He planted it in the ground, fertilised the soil (in the manner that only Parsnips know best!) and grew it to ginomous proportions.
He hollowed out the insides, and in the cavity within he housed two of every animal so that they could weather the mighty storm that Our Loving Lord sent us, in order to Smite the Wicked Earth of all Evil!
I like the lesson of that tale, because it is true. Only by purging the Earth of Sin and Wickedness will the Way be cleared for the Way of the Parsnip! God remembers that one must often be Cruel to be Kind! He kills millions of animals because he loves them all equally!
... and once the Veritable Tome is completed, I will distribute it throughout the world. Missionary Positions are available in Africa, I hear.
I have No Doubt that I would Impregnate My Seed amongst such fertile soil, and sew the Wild Oats of Parsnippery!
The Way of the Parsnip is Coming!
Be prepared! Or Die at the Choking Hands of the Parsnip, as Heathens feel their favourite Wicked Turnip being smashed into your face!
Yes! I am rewriting the Bible from start to finish. Everyone knows it's full of bollocks. It often contradicts itself several times in one page.
So I would like to remove this measure of uncertainty from Our Faith. And once I have finished, it will no longer be Our Faith. It will be My Faith. But You will accept My Faith, and so once again it will become Our Faith. Do you follow?
I intend to start with the Sermon on the Mount of Olives. Of course, everyone knows that olives are a heinous creation. So the Sermon will take place on the Mount of Parsnips.
And Noah's Ark? Yup, you guessed it, "Noah's Parsnip."
This will be the tale of how Noah found the first parsnip seed. He planted it in the ground, fertilised the soil (in the manner that only Parsnips know best!) and grew it to ginomous proportions.
He hollowed out the insides, and in the cavity within he housed two of every animal so that they could weather the mighty storm that Our Loving Lord sent us, in order to Smite the Wicked Earth of all Evil!
I like the lesson of that tale, because it is true. Only by purging the Earth of Sin and Wickedness will the Way be cleared for the Way of the Parsnip! God remembers that one must often be Cruel to be Kind! He kills millions of animals because he loves them all equally!
... and once the Veritable Tome is completed, I will distribute it throughout the world. Missionary Positions are available in Africa, I hear.
I have No Doubt that I would Impregnate My Seed amongst such fertile soil, and sew the Wild Oats of Parsnippery!
The Way of the Parsnip is Coming!
Be prepared! Or Die at the Choking Hands of the Parsnip, as Heathens feel their favourite Wicked Turnip being smashed into your face!
