Sunday, July 11, 2004
Sunday Service Number Four
And by golly, it was quite a service!
I provide a service to my local community, and they thank me and Praise the Parsnip.
You may recall last week that I had Important Plans for this week's service.
http://peterparsnip.blogspot.com/2004/07/sunday-service-number-three.html for more details. Read it before you continue with this post!
But those plans paid off in full!
This was the best Sunday Service ever! I abstained from alcohol in the morning, but instead, my flock arrived completely off their faces. It seems that, after they saved much money last week by not donating anything to me, that one can buy a lot of whisky with their regular £50 donations.
They were pissed off their faces. It only took a small stir. I told one of the gentlemen that I'd had his wife several times, and it was a splendid evening, with much Parsnippery Pokery.
The Ugly Brute in question then launched his arm towards me in an attempt to Punch the Parsnip. But his efforts were poor. I had conveniently placed myself near other men... and as I dodged said punch, it landed a striking blow on the face of an unrelated man.
Yes! The brawl then took place! The women bitched and cat-fought with excellence. I, myself, took several pictures of them, and I even provided them with a mud bath in which they could wrestle. I was the referee, of course, and the winner was Justly Rewarded.
Much gambling took place, as did much debauchery. I also believe that we had a death as I got a little too carried away in smashing the Lord Jesus On His Crucifix across an Evil Sinner's Head. Well, they had just admitted to eating The Wicked Turnip, so I believe it was a mercy killing.
The fun and games proceeded for three hours. And then I dealt the Blow!
I unveiled that underneath my pure white sheet on the altar were several thousand glasses of Parsnip Colada.
The drunken bastards couldn't keep their hands off My Bounty! And when the supply was becoming diminished, I poured several glasses all over me, instructing the ladies that they are free to Lick the Parsnip Clean!
I then pulled out a magic wand, akin to the one Sooty has. I shouted
IZZY WIZZY! LET'S GET BIZZY!
And there entered many whores and rent boys through every possible door and window. Unfortunately, one of them penetrated my stained glass window. That's going to cost a lot... but I suspect I can embezzle that off the Inland Revenue next tax year.
The funny thing was that I was not expecting whores to enter. This was a remarkable turn of events. I had expected my magic spell to bring everyone under The Parsnip's control at long last... yet it didn't happen that way. Instead, much sex was had by all, and little money changed hands.
The whores of Milton Keynes Toil in poverty! Yet they still provided a free and unexpected service.
I just wonder how they found out...
Still! It was a wonderful day!
I am sure that Jesus was watching! He'll be so envious of The Parsnip!
That's what he gets for being Dead!
Long Live the Parsnip's Orgys!
I provide a service to my local community, and they thank me and Praise the Parsnip.
You may recall last week that I had Important Plans for this week's service.
http://peterparsnip.blogspot.com/2004/07/sunday-service-number-three.html for more details. Read it before you continue with this post!
But those plans paid off in full!
This was the best Sunday Service ever! I abstained from alcohol in the morning, but instead, my flock arrived completely off their faces. It seems that, after they saved much money last week by not donating anything to me, that one can buy a lot of whisky with their regular £50 donations.
They were pissed off their faces. It only took a small stir. I told one of the gentlemen that I'd had his wife several times, and it was a splendid evening, with much Parsnippery Pokery.
The Ugly Brute in question then launched his arm towards me in an attempt to Punch the Parsnip. But his efforts were poor. I had conveniently placed myself near other men... and as I dodged said punch, it landed a striking blow on the face of an unrelated man.
Yes! The brawl then took place! The women bitched and cat-fought with excellence. I, myself, took several pictures of them, and I even provided them with a mud bath in which they could wrestle. I was the referee, of course, and the winner was Justly Rewarded.
Much gambling took place, as did much debauchery. I also believe that we had a death as I got a little too carried away in smashing the Lord Jesus On His Crucifix across an Evil Sinner's Head. Well, they had just admitted to eating The Wicked Turnip, so I believe it was a mercy killing.
The fun and games proceeded for three hours. And then I dealt the Blow!
I unveiled that underneath my pure white sheet on the altar were several thousand glasses of Parsnip Colada.
The drunken bastards couldn't keep their hands off My Bounty! And when the supply was becoming diminished, I poured several glasses all over me, instructing the ladies that they are free to Lick the Parsnip Clean!
I then pulled out a magic wand, akin to the one Sooty has. I shouted
IZZY WIZZY! LET'S GET BIZZY!
And there entered many whores and rent boys through every possible door and window. Unfortunately, one of them penetrated my stained glass window. That's going to cost a lot... but I suspect I can embezzle that off the Inland Revenue next tax year.
The funny thing was that I was not expecting whores to enter. This was a remarkable turn of events. I had expected my magic spell to bring everyone under The Parsnip's control at long last... yet it didn't happen that way. Instead, much sex was had by all, and little money changed hands.
The whores of Milton Keynes Toil in poverty! Yet they still provided a free and unexpected service.
I just wonder how they found out...
Still! It was a wonderful day!
I am sure that Jesus was watching! He'll be so envious of The Parsnip!
That's what he gets for being Dead!
Long Live the Parsnip's Orgys!
