Saturday, May 22, 2004
From a disaster turned a triumph...
Yesterday I made the "mistake" of travelling on the London Underground. I decided to visit the Millennium Dome (I'm friends with Paul McCartney, who is currently practicising there with his band. He's a big fan of the Way of the Parsnip, being a vegetarian, etc.)... but I wasn't counting on a major power failure while I was travelling along the Jubilee line.
All of a sudden the train started slowing down... and it came it a halt. The lights went out, and up came the very dim emergency backup lighting. The driver, clearly possessed by some Turnip Obsession, stepped out from the drivers cabin and bellowed
"THE TERRORISTS HAVE CUT THE POWER!!!"
There was immediate chaos and panic. I remained calm and dignified, as a Parsnip should do in such situations. All around people were desperately trying to break the glass, but it was too strong for the little hammers they have in the train.
Getting sick of the noise, I stood up and Roared:
"YOU WILL ALL BE CONDEMNED TO A LIFETIME OF GETTING TURNIPS STUCK UP YOUR ARSE IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL IF YOU DON'T BE QUIET!! THE DRIVER IS POSSESSED BY A TURNIP! LOOK AT HIS EYES! THEY ARE THE PIT OF EVIL! YOU CAN SEE REFLECTIONS OF TURNIPS DEEP WITHIN THE PUPIL IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY! THE SIGN OF A POSSESSED MAN! EVIL! DEMONS!"
The driver cowered in the corner as I blasted him into submission by beginning an impromptu rendition of "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life." My loving fans took it all in their stride, even joining in at the whistling part.
Then, I seized the opportunity.
"THIS! IS! A! PARSNIP!"
I exposed my favourite Parsnip for all to see. The one which is attached to me and I carry around everywhere.
Shocked gasps went up from the crowd as I held it aloft.
"BOW BEFORE THE PARSNIP! IT WILL SAVE YOU IF YOU REVERE IT! ONLY BY THE USE OF THE PARSNIP WILL WE GET THE POWER BACK ON AND GET TO OUR RESPECTIVE DESTINATIONS!"
This is a new tactic for me. Normally I try to gently persuade people. But here, I was forcing it upon them. I was surprised that it actually worked! They all got down on their knees, except the Heretic Driver.
The driver quipped:
"What are you going to do with that miserable shrivelled thing? It wouldn't fit up anything!"
He was not expecting to eat his words. And Eat Them He Did, when I smashed in his skull with the Parsnip and forced him to eat it clean. I knew I'd have use for my favourite parsnip one day.
Cheers went up from the crowd, and I then I said:
"THE PARSNIP WILL NOW TAKE YOU HOME! ALL HAIL PARSNIP!"
I went into the driver's cabin and pressed the ignition.
It seems the driver had turned off the engine.
The Turnips must have rotted his brain!
Here endeth the lesson. Hail the Parsnip!
All of a sudden the train started slowing down... and it came it a halt. The lights went out, and up came the very dim emergency backup lighting. The driver, clearly possessed by some Turnip Obsession, stepped out from the drivers cabin and bellowed
"THE TERRORISTS HAVE CUT THE POWER!!!"
There was immediate chaos and panic. I remained calm and dignified, as a Parsnip should do in such situations. All around people were desperately trying to break the glass, but it was too strong for the little hammers they have in the train.
Getting sick of the noise, I stood up and Roared:
"YOU WILL ALL BE CONDEMNED TO A LIFETIME OF GETTING TURNIPS STUCK UP YOUR ARSE IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL IF YOU DON'T BE QUIET!! THE DRIVER IS POSSESSED BY A TURNIP! LOOK AT HIS EYES! THEY ARE THE PIT OF EVIL! YOU CAN SEE REFLECTIONS OF TURNIPS DEEP WITHIN THE PUPIL IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY! THE SIGN OF A POSSESSED MAN! EVIL! DEMONS!"
The driver cowered in the corner as I blasted him into submission by beginning an impromptu rendition of "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life." My loving fans took it all in their stride, even joining in at the whistling part.
Then, I seized the opportunity.
"THIS! IS! A! PARSNIP!"
I exposed my favourite Parsnip for all to see. The one which is attached to me and I carry around everywhere.
Shocked gasps went up from the crowd as I held it aloft.
"BOW BEFORE THE PARSNIP! IT WILL SAVE YOU IF YOU REVERE IT! ONLY BY THE USE OF THE PARSNIP WILL WE GET THE POWER BACK ON AND GET TO OUR RESPECTIVE DESTINATIONS!"
This is a new tactic for me. Normally I try to gently persuade people. But here, I was forcing it upon them. I was surprised that it actually worked! They all got down on their knees, except the Heretic Driver.
The driver quipped:
"What are you going to do with that miserable shrivelled thing? It wouldn't fit up anything!"
He was not expecting to eat his words. And Eat Them He Did, when I smashed in his skull with the Parsnip and forced him to eat it clean. I knew I'd have use for my favourite parsnip one day.
Cheers went up from the crowd, and I then I said:
"THE PARSNIP WILL NOW TAKE YOU HOME! ALL HAIL PARSNIP!"
I went into the driver's cabin and pressed the ignition.
It seems the driver had turned off the engine.
The Turnips must have rotted his brain!
Here endeth the lesson. Hail the Parsnip!
