Friday, May 21, 2004
When the Lord returns...
He shall arrive on Earth in a giant spaceship shaped like a parsnip. No joke of a lie. I've heard it from Him in my dreams last night. He knows where it's at... and I was especially excited when He told me that the first thing He'll do when he steps out of the spaceship is KILL everyone who grows turnips. I wanted Him to kill everyone who eats turnips as well, but He decided that that would be too vindictive.
Yesterday I spent my time visiting Canary Wharf. I had a special meeting with the Executives of the Mirror newspaper, and there we decided that if I slip them a few hoax photographs of soldiers eating turnips - INSTEAD OF PARSNIPS LIKE THEY SHOULD DO! - they will publish them as long as I secure them a place at the Right Hand side of the Lord.
This pleased me greatly. Look out for the photos soon! They will finally convince people that turnips are WRONG WRONG WRONG! Their bulbous shape is wholly inappropriate for correct usage by most right thinking people.
Afterwards, I went up to the top of Canary Wharf and threw out a mighty Siren Song all about Parsnips. I'm sure that the whole of London heard, as a few minutes later on the Vegetable Stock Exchange, the prices of 1kg bags of parsnips had gone through the roof. Demand was surging! The Lord looked upon all of those who had parsnip stew or soup, or even raw parsnips, very favourably last night! And it will improve their regularity! Thames Water will never have dealt with such huge amounts of waste all at once!
I am really making a big impact here in London. There are less Heathens here than in Mevagissey. But I feel that it will soon be time to move on...
Yesterday I spent my time visiting Canary Wharf. I had a special meeting with the Executives of the Mirror newspaper, and there we decided that if I slip them a few hoax photographs of soldiers eating turnips - INSTEAD OF PARSNIPS LIKE THEY SHOULD DO! - they will publish them as long as I secure them a place at the Right Hand side of the Lord.
This pleased me greatly. Look out for the photos soon! They will finally convince people that turnips are WRONG WRONG WRONG! Their bulbous shape is wholly inappropriate for correct usage by most right thinking people.
Afterwards, I went up to the top of Canary Wharf and threw out a mighty Siren Song all about Parsnips. I'm sure that the whole of London heard, as a few minutes later on the Vegetable Stock Exchange, the prices of 1kg bags of parsnips had gone through the roof. Demand was surging! The Lord looked upon all of those who had parsnip stew or soup, or even raw parsnips, very favourably last night! And it will improve their regularity! Thames Water will never have dealt with such huge amounts of waste all at once!
I am really making a big impact here in London. There are less Heathens here than in Mevagissey. But I feel that it will soon be time to move on...
