Monday, August 30, 2004
Extraordinary!
I woke up this morning to discover a rather strange mark upon the bedroom ceiling. It was brown and in the shape of a parsnip.
Indeed, the room had the distinct aroma of Parsnips being fried. I looked down and noticed that there in the room, miraculously appearing overnight, was a Large George Foreman Grill.
Everyone knows that George Foreman Grills are the Greatest! After all, QVC does not lie! I have the credit card bills to prove it!
But yes. On the Grill appeared to be a large succulent parsnip. Someone had sliced it up carefully and was grilling it to sublime perfection, and without all the calories and fat one would normally associate with such a grill. But thanks to the George Foreman Grill, once I ate the Parsnips, I felt my excess flab just melting away!
I stood on the scales in the bathroom shortly afterwards and noticed that, indeed, I had lost some eight pounds. Astonishing! I'm now like a rake, and I find it a great ease to slip into something more comfortable. I recommend this to all Fat Americans out there! George Foreman Is Your Friend!
Then, I dashed to my front balcony, opened it and bellowed:
"THE PARSNIP IS NOW UNDER 11 STONE! THE PARSNIP HAS ACHIEVED HIS GOAL VIA WEIGHTWATCHERS! YOU CAN TOO! THE ATKINS DIET IS A FRAUD! THE WAY OF THE PARSNIP IS PURE AND CLEAN CUT! ACKNOWLEDGE IT, AND YOU TOO WILL FEEL GOD'S LOVE IN THE FORM OF LOW MASSES AND A LIGHT SPRING IN YOUR STEP!"
Of course, there was no doubting in my mind who had provided the grill. This was a sign from God himself. He has Finally Seen Fit to Acknowledge that the Way of the Parsnip is all that is Good, and now even God himself is Offering Sacrifices to Me, the Humble Servant of the Way of the Parsnip.
Go forth and spread the Word! And When You Have Spread it, Hail the Parsnip Thrice, and your very own George Foreman Grill will appear right before Your Very Eyes!
Indeed, the room had the distinct aroma of Parsnips being fried. I looked down and noticed that there in the room, miraculously appearing overnight, was a Large George Foreman Grill.
Everyone knows that George Foreman Grills are the Greatest! After all, QVC does not lie! I have the credit card bills to prove it!
But yes. On the Grill appeared to be a large succulent parsnip. Someone had sliced it up carefully and was grilling it to sublime perfection, and without all the calories and fat one would normally associate with such a grill. But thanks to the George Foreman Grill, once I ate the Parsnips, I felt my excess flab just melting away!
I stood on the scales in the bathroom shortly afterwards and noticed that, indeed, I had lost some eight pounds. Astonishing! I'm now like a rake, and I find it a great ease to slip into something more comfortable. I recommend this to all Fat Americans out there! George Foreman Is Your Friend!
Then, I dashed to my front balcony, opened it and bellowed:
"THE PARSNIP IS NOW UNDER 11 STONE! THE PARSNIP HAS ACHIEVED HIS GOAL VIA WEIGHTWATCHERS! YOU CAN TOO! THE ATKINS DIET IS A FRAUD! THE WAY OF THE PARSNIP IS PURE AND CLEAN CUT! ACKNOWLEDGE IT, AND YOU TOO WILL FEEL GOD'S LOVE IN THE FORM OF LOW MASSES AND A LIGHT SPRING IN YOUR STEP!"
Of course, there was no doubting in my mind who had provided the grill. This was a sign from God himself. He has Finally Seen Fit to Acknowledge that the Way of the Parsnip is all that is Good, and now even God himself is Offering Sacrifices to Me, the Humble Servant of the Way of the Parsnip.
Go forth and spread the Word! And When You Have Spread it, Hail the Parsnip Thrice, and your very own George Foreman Grill will appear right before Your Very Eyes!
