Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Ask Teh Rev: Week 2
I had an absolutely bulging postbag last week after I started up Ask The Rev Your Questions.
So I searched long and hard and located my favourite one. Here it is:
"Dear Reverend Parson Peter Parsnip,
I enjoy your journal and I find it a great comfort to me. I have always believed in the Way of the Parsnip, even before I discovered that there was a True Leader amongst us. Now I feel safe in the knowledge that there is someone leading us to True Victory. Hail The Parsnip!
But there is something troubling me at present.
When I go outside and look up to the sky, all I see around me are stars. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, my chip pan catches fire and burns quite considerably.
What does this mean?
Your faithful servant,
Rachel Roberts."
First off, Rachel, I thank you for your e-mail. It is encouraging to know that I have fans out there who I can count on and trust to spread the word.
Clearly what you see is a vision from Hell itself. Anything involving fire is almost certainly sent by Satan in order to burn down your defences. Alternatively, there is a small possibility that localised fires are being started by McDonalds in order to eliminate certain elements with the Parsnip Family.
If so, then this is a deeply worrying development. It means that they have a central database of addresses of fans of the Way of The Parsnip. If this is the case, then it means a new front has opened in the War.
Then again, it may even have been a message from me. It has been known for me to disturb the cooking of others if they are not cooking Parsnips. You were cooking potatoes... this is only slightly less heathenous than cooking a miserable turnip. Potatoes are fluffy and white inside... far too Virginal for my liking. I could have tossed in a match while you weren't looking.
Last time I went to a restaurant, for example, I noticed that the soup of the day was Turnip Soup. So I stormed straight into the kitchen and bellowed at the chef:
"HOW DARE YOU COOK TURNIPS IN THE PRESENCE OF THE PARSNIP!!! IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!! FACE MY WRATH OR BE JUDGED AT THE HAND OF GOD, WHERE HE WILL CONDEMN YOU TO HELL!!"
I then reached for the pot of Turnip Soup and poured it all over the chef. He suffered 94% burns. This Punishment was justified, as it was exacted from the hand of God himself. As before, the punishment was coupled with God's Love. The soup represented God's Love, as it poured all over him and washed his sinning skin clean. It also tore his skin off.
I couldn't believe it when they then arrested me on trumped-up charges of GBH! Fortunately, the jury saw things my way and I was found innocent of all charges. God Bless the Fiercely Independent and Incorruptible Great British Jury System.
I digress. There is another possibility. It is only a remote one, and I do believe that it is extremely unlikely. It is unbelievably dangerous and I worry for all those who are caught in such circumstances. I will pray for divine intervention at the next possible moment.
Yes. It is possible that you left your chip pan cooking while you went out to look at the stars. Fat boils and burns! Beware!
This has been a Public Service Annoucement from Your Loving Parsnip.
Heed It!
If you have a question for the Parsnip, I will answer them every Tuesday.
E-mail me at peterparsnip@gmail.com
So I searched long and hard and located my favourite one. Here it is:
"Dear Reverend Parson Peter Parsnip,
I enjoy your journal and I find it a great comfort to me. I have always believed in the Way of the Parsnip, even before I discovered that there was a True Leader amongst us. Now I feel safe in the knowledge that there is someone leading us to True Victory. Hail The Parsnip!
But there is something troubling me at present.
When I go outside and look up to the sky, all I see around me are stars. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, my chip pan catches fire and burns quite considerably.
What does this mean?
Your faithful servant,
Rachel Roberts."
First off, Rachel, I thank you for your e-mail. It is encouraging to know that I have fans out there who I can count on and trust to spread the word.
Clearly what you see is a vision from Hell itself. Anything involving fire is almost certainly sent by Satan in order to burn down your defences. Alternatively, there is a small possibility that localised fires are being started by McDonalds in order to eliminate certain elements with the Parsnip Family.
If so, then this is a deeply worrying development. It means that they have a central database of addresses of fans of the Way of The Parsnip. If this is the case, then it means a new front has opened in the War.
Then again, it may even have been a message from me. It has been known for me to disturb the cooking of others if they are not cooking Parsnips. You were cooking potatoes... this is only slightly less heathenous than cooking a miserable turnip. Potatoes are fluffy and white inside... far too Virginal for my liking. I could have tossed in a match while you weren't looking.
Last time I went to a restaurant, for example, I noticed that the soup of the day was Turnip Soup. So I stormed straight into the kitchen and bellowed at the chef:
"HOW DARE YOU COOK TURNIPS IN THE PRESENCE OF THE PARSNIP!!! IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!! FACE MY WRATH OR BE JUDGED AT THE HAND OF GOD, WHERE HE WILL CONDEMN YOU TO HELL!!"
I then reached for the pot of Turnip Soup and poured it all over the chef. He suffered 94% burns. This Punishment was justified, as it was exacted from the hand of God himself. As before, the punishment was coupled with God's Love. The soup represented God's Love, as it poured all over him and washed his sinning skin clean. It also tore his skin off.
I couldn't believe it when they then arrested me on trumped-up charges of GBH! Fortunately, the jury saw things my way and I was found innocent of all charges. God Bless the Fiercely Independent and Incorruptible Great British Jury System.
I digress. There is another possibility. It is only a remote one, and I do believe that it is extremely unlikely. It is unbelievably dangerous and I worry for all those who are caught in such circumstances. I will pray for divine intervention at the next possible moment.
Yes. It is possible that you left your chip pan cooking while you went out to look at the stars. Fat boils and burns! Beware!
This has been a Public Service Annoucement from Your Loving Parsnip.
Heed It!
If you have a question for the Parsnip, I will answer them every Tuesday.
E-mail me at peterparsnip@gmail.com
