Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Ask Teh Rev: Week 6
A couple of days ago I was sent an Important E-mail from a Big Fan of mine, Tony in Australia. It is satisfying to know that The Way of the Parsnip is reaching such distant shores. Thanks, Tone.
In his e-mail he asked this simple, but essential question:
"how shall thee repenteth of thy wickedness and cast the rod upon thine own loins ?"
It is clear that Tony is asking me about an incident in the Bible where Jesus (who is not my favourite Biblical character) pays a visit to the Harlets, Jessies, Whores and Hoes of Saddam and Good Morrow. In it, Jesus proclaims:
"Fear the Lord God! For it is only through fear that you will be able to repent of your wicked sins! God has spoken to me! He has proclaimed that your path into Heaven is not assured. However, he can make a sacred covenant with you if you entertain My Wishes. To be assured entry, you will flaggelate yourselves across the buttocks with your S&M whips until He, and I, Are Satisfied! And My Hunger for Satisfaction Is Indeed Great at this time, for I do not have a Wife!"
Then, verily, Jesus pulled up a deckchair, grabbed a box of Kleenex and chose to watch the exciting display of self-discipline. There he sat for several hours.
Funnily enough, this version of the incident did not make it into the Bible, as children may read it, and it may fill their heads with impure and unclean thoughts. However, it is perfectly OK for them to read vital passages such as the following, since they are the Beginning of a Good Christian:
However, the Way of the Parsnip also has another option for saving yourself. It involves baking a Parsnip Stew immediately and consuming it at the earliest possible opportunity.
Save Yourself With a Parsnip Stew! Your Sins Will Be Baked Away And Your Passage Into Parsnippery Will Be Assured! Take Heed, Or You Will Be Punished! I Am Watching You! My Eyes See All!
Remove Your Hands From Your Trousers! Immediately!
Fear The Parsnip!
In his e-mail he asked this simple, but essential question:
"how shall thee repenteth of thy wickedness and cast the rod upon thine own loins ?"
It is clear that Tony is asking me about an incident in the Bible where Jesus (who is not my favourite Biblical character) pays a visit to the Harlets, Jessies, Whores and Hoes of Saddam and Good Morrow. In it, Jesus proclaims:
"Fear the Lord God! For it is only through fear that you will be able to repent of your wicked sins! God has spoken to me! He has proclaimed that your path into Heaven is not assured. However, he can make a sacred covenant with you if you entertain My Wishes. To be assured entry, you will flaggelate yourselves across the buttocks with your S&M whips until He, and I, Are Satisfied! And My Hunger for Satisfaction Is Indeed Great at this time, for I do not have a Wife!"
Then, verily, Jesus pulled up a deckchair, grabbed a box of Kleenex and chose to watch the exciting display of self-discipline. There he sat for several hours.
Funnily enough, this version of the incident did not make it into the Bible, as children may read it, and it may fill their heads with impure and unclean thoughts. However, it is perfectly OK for them to read vital passages such as the following, since they are the Beginning of a Good Christian:
"And if a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water, and be unclean until the evening. And every garment and every skin on which the semen comes shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the evening. If a man lies with a woman and has an emission of semen, both of them shall bathe themselves in water and be unclean until the evening." -Leviticus 15:16-18or the Important
"Therefore fathers shall eat their sons in the midst of you and sons shall eat their fathers...I will send famine and wild beasts against you and they shall rob you of your children; pestilence and blood shall pass through you; and I will bring a sword upon you. I, the Lord, have spoken." -Ezekiel 5:10, 5:17And The Lord has Again Spoken This Evening, Via Me! For only by observing this advice will you repent on the wickedness so required to Free you of Sin, and thus follow the Word of God, and thus, logically, the Way of the Parsnip.
However, the Way of the Parsnip also has another option for saving yourself. It involves baking a Parsnip Stew immediately and consuming it at the earliest possible opportunity.
Save Yourself With a Parsnip Stew! Your Sins Will Be Baked Away And Your Passage Into Parsnippery Will Be Assured! Take Heed, Or You Will Be Punished! I Am Watching You! My Eyes See All!
Remove Your Hands From Your Trousers! Immediately!
Fear The Parsnip!
