Thursday, September 09, 2004
The Power of Prayer
The Power of Prayer is well documented. One only needs to look at how often the Americans pray for God to bless their country, and yet every day they continue to suffer.
They will ALWAYS suffer because they do not have Enough Parsnips in their country. That is their own problem. They know full well how to adjust the climate to accomodate for good Parsnip Growth Conditions. It normally involves either more or less carbon dioxide.
But today I received a shining example of how Prayer is supposed to work. You aren't supposed to ask for the big things... because God just does not have the Power to grant you a new dishwasher, or a multi-million pound home. God frowns upon such material requests.
However, the Parsnip will look kindly upon them, because He Uses Them To Find Your Weakness, and then Exploits them When You Least Expect It!
For example: today I was speaking to an old dear who desperately wanted a new hip. So desperate was her need that she was willing to cut off her own arm in exchange for a new hip.
So I called her up and pretended to be from the Hospital. I told her that we had a new hip ready for her, and we were ready to operate tomorrow. She was ecstatic, so I then pulled the plug by telling her that she's a Gullible Old Bitch and Hag, and Gullible People Will Not Be Eligible For Entry Into The Kingdom Of God and Parsnippery, and so I Instantly Commanded that I hope she gets SARS and dies, because She Is Not Worthy. She withered into a crumpled heap on the other end of the phone, and I Roared Heartily at my Scoring of Another Successful Notch On the Bedpost.
Be careful what you wish for in my presence! I Will Use It To My Advantage And Make Prank Calls!
They will ALWAYS suffer because they do not have Enough Parsnips in their country. That is their own problem. They know full well how to adjust the climate to accomodate for good Parsnip Growth Conditions. It normally involves either more or less carbon dioxide.
But today I received a shining example of how Prayer is supposed to work. You aren't supposed to ask for the big things... because God just does not have the Power to grant you a new dishwasher, or a multi-million pound home. God frowns upon such material requests.
However, the Parsnip will look kindly upon them, because He Uses Them To Find Your Weakness, and then Exploits them When You Least Expect It!
For example: today I was speaking to an old dear who desperately wanted a new hip. So desperate was her need that she was willing to cut off her own arm in exchange for a new hip.
So I called her up and pretended to be from the Hospital. I told her that we had a new hip ready for her, and we were ready to operate tomorrow. She was ecstatic, so I then pulled the plug by telling her that she's a Gullible Old Bitch and Hag, and Gullible People Will Not Be Eligible For Entry Into The Kingdom Of God and Parsnippery, and so I Instantly Commanded that I hope she gets SARS and dies, because She Is Not Worthy. She withered into a crumpled heap on the other end of the phone, and I Roared Heartily at my Scoring of Another Successful Notch On the Bedpost.
Be careful what you wish for in my presence! I Will Use It To My Advantage And Make Prank Calls!
