Parsnips For All

Today's Service was an exercise in good discipline. As I have a storming hangover this morning, I ordered that we conduct affairs in minimal noise. Therefore, I commanded that all my congregation must not speak for the entire service, otherwise I will drown them in the baptismal font.

Nevertheless, my poor disposition did not preclude me from delivering a Belter of a sermon today. As mentioned yesterday, I told my people about the Parable of the Pen. Here, it follows. It is only a short story. But the Message is Resounding!

Once, there was a man named Paul. Paul had a pen. He liked to use his pen to write short stories for children and small animals, for back in the 16th century (which is where our story is set, incidentally!), small animals used to be able to talk, and would be engaged by a good story.

There was a lot of money to be made in this business. Paul already had several books to his name, and several huge contracts with HarperCollins and Penguin. He was even one of the trailblazers of his age, having a PR deal with the very young Maxeth Cliffordeth.

But one day, his talent was derailed. He could not think of a new story. His publishers pressed him every day, sending him letters by pigeon post. Maxeth threatened to leak a story about Paul's affair with Nadia in order to push Paul into hiding in the hope that it might help him overcome his writer's block.

But nothing could help Paul.

Then, it dawned on him. All this time he was struggling for ideas, he was struggling with a very idea inherent within the struggle. Writing about not being able to write! And so he Wrote! And Wrote! A Stream of Bollocks flowed forth from his pen! A Cascade of Nonsense! A Tirade of Terminally Stupid Rants!

His next book flopped. Paul was dropped by his publishers. Maxeth Cliffordeth filled the "Newseth Of Thine World" with scandalous stories about what exactly Paul used to do with his quill pen during his writer's block sessions.

Paul's career was in ruins.

He was tempted to turn to the World of the Welfare Cheque, when suddenly...

THE PARSNIP WAS BORN!!!

Into his life came the most wonderful thoughts. They were no longer of dotting the i's, crossing the t's and tickling his arse with a quill pen. Instead, they were Pure, Strong, Powerful and Firm thoughts of The Way of the Parsnip.

Yes! He was touched by the message of a young philosopher at the time named Reverend Peter Parsnip. His message was simple: The Parsnip is your servant. It will be your simplest, yet your most challenging acquisition. It Will Be Your New Way Of Life!

You Are Right! It Is I! I am Your Saviour! I led Paul not into temptation, and I delivered him from Evil!

He was one of my first converts. He was one of my great underlings! He took on my message and wrote to all corners of the world, using the Pen of the Parsnip.

He died some years later of a terrible and exceedingly rare infection from eating too many parsnips. But that was when soil conditions were poor, and maggots infested every meal!

You too can be like Paul!

And fortunately, it is a simple thing to achieve. I make it especially simple for all you idiots out there, particularly those in Milton Keynes. They are stupid, and they find it easy to fall into line.

You must follow the Holy Trinity, as approved by the Lord Jesus and God himself.

It is Thus:

Love the Parsnip.
Respect the Parsnip; and...
FEAR THE PARSNIP.