Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Uncle Parsnip's Agony Column
I have decided that from now on, every Tuesday will be devoted to me answering the best question I receive every week. For people all across the Earth are interested in what the Parsnip has to say, I must not let them down. They are depending on me to supply them with answers, and this is an excellent way to do so.
This week I shall begin with a question I received from a lady who wishes to remain anonymous. She asks:
"I am poor. I live in a rancid bedsit. I have no money. I am forced to prostitute myself to provide for my children. I believe I may have acquired AIDS and gonorrhea. And yet, why do I find the Way of the Parsnip strangely comforting?"
The answer to this one is simple.
For Truly, the Way of the Parsnip represents all that is Pure and Good. If you entrust your faith to the Parsnip, then God's Love and Joy Will Follow, even in the most unpleasant of activities. You may be cleaning out your toilet after your child had blocked it up with toy trains, dolls and toilet roll plus faeces, but you will Care Not! For the Way of the Parsnip will make you feel alive!
You may be lying in a Hospital bed, terminally ill with knob-rot. But It Will Not Matter! It Will be an Irrelevance, for the Way of the Parsnip will have touched you in ways that no Sexually Transmitted Disease from a Soho prostitute for a quick fumble in a darkened room for £50 ever could.
The Way of the Parsnip is forever. Believe in it, and you will be able to do anything!
(My lawyers asked me to add a note of caution: The Way of the Parsnip may not give you wings. Do not attempt to fly off a 10 story building after consuming 20 Whole Parsnips, as you may or may not crash to the ground in a crumpled heap. I tried to stop my lawyers requesting me to add this, as I told them about the time I levitated during one Very Special Sunday Service [the Old Dears were most impressed!] but they wouldn't believe me.
Mind you, I had been smoking a lot of "hash brownies" that morning. Oh, I say!)
If you have a question for The Parsnip, then send Him an e-mail:
peterparsnip@gmail.com
And You May be Featured in This Slot!
When you Receive the Knowledge of the Parsnip, you Receive the Wisdom of 2,000 years of Wise People all rolled into one.
And you Will Feel Happy! And Equally Wise!
This week I shall begin with a question I received from a lady who wishes to remain anonymous. She asks:
"I am poor. I live in a rancid bedsit. I have no money. I am forced to prostitute myself to provide for my children. I believe I may have acquired AIDS and gonorrhea. And yet, why do I find the Way of the Parsnip strangely comforting?"
The answer to this one is simple.
For Truly, the Way of the Parsnip represents all that is Pure and Good. If you entrust your faith to the Parsnip, then God's Love and Joy Will Follow, even in the most unpleasant of activities. You may be cleaning out your toilet after your child had blocked it up with toy trains, dolls and toilet roll plus faeces, but you will Care Not! For the Way of the Parsnip will make you feel alive!
You may be lying in a Hospital bed, terminally ill with knob-rot. But It Will Not Matter! It Will be an Irrelevance, for the Way of the Parsnip will have touched you in ways that no Sexually Transmitted Disease from a Soho prostitute for a quick fumble in a darkened room for £50 ever could.
The Way of the Parsnip is forever. Believe in it, and you will be able to do anything!
(My lawyers asked me to add a note of caution: The Way of the Parsnip may not give you wings. Do not attempt to fly off a 10 story building after consuming 20 Whole Parsnips, as you may or may not crash to the ground in a crumpled heap. I tried to stop my lawyers requesting me to add this, as I told them about the time I levitated during one Very Special Sunday Service [the Old Dears were most impressed!] but they wouldn't believe me.
Mind you, I had been smoking a lot of "hash brownies" that morning. Oh, I say!)
If you have a question for The Parsnip, then send Him an e-mail:
peterparsnip@gmail.com
And You May be Featured in This Slot!
When you Receive the Knowledge of the Parsnip, you Receive the Wisdom of 2,000 years of Wise People all rolled into one.
And you Will Feel Happy! And Equally Wise!
