Sunday, June 20, 2004
The Beginning of the New
Today was a test of my resolve. It is never easy beginning again from nothing at all, and this was the case this morning when I met my new congregation for the first time.
Judging by the rough-cut nature of many of the foul beasts in the audience at my First Sunday Service at Milton Keynes, I can see I'm going to have my work cut out for me. My church was not even half-full (half-empty?) and it pained me to see the loss of many Old Dears. Indeed, it would seem that many of the Old Dears have turned to Satanism or some other foul influence, as hardly any of them turned out, which is much different to Mevagissey. The only members of the congregation seemed to be confused Catholics, who thought that attending my services would show to their Local Priest that they are worthy candidates for having their scum-like children Baptised, "Holy Communioned" or confirmed.
People who sponge off the Church like so should be executed forthwith!
But there was no time like the present. I knew that if I made this a dazzling performance, the Good News of the Parsnip would soon spread. I had already greeted the local youths by inviting them onto Gmail, as I promised I would. I believe that my method of coaxing the Youth Vote is much more wholesome and acceptable than the way Catholic Priests have baited, coaxed and tempted their Youths in the past. I do not condone their methods! But the juxtaposition is amusing. Instead of showing the children my genitals, I show the children my gmail.
So I kicked off as usual with my Star Spangled Glittery Guitar Solo entry. This week, I picked something that would stick in the minds of all. I donned a stunning white catsuit, and pranced down the central aisle to the hallowed strains of "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen. I had my Gibson Les Paul lowered down from the rafters near to my lecturn on the altar, just in time for when the solo began!
Oh, and I Knocked Them Dead!
I know they loved me. They cheered and screamed, nay, pleaded! for more. But I could not grant them their wish. Too much of a good thing could have them believing that I am an Airy Fairy Free-Wheeling Easy-Going Muff-Diving Reverend... the type of which one sees on poor soaps such as EastEnders. Instead, I seized the moment with my classic phrase.
"THIS! IS! A! PARSNIP!"
I brought out my Favourite Parsnip from Under my tight catsuit.
"BOW BEFORE IT! AND IT WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME!"
They all did.
I have them wrapped right around my little finger already.
It was good to receive new funds. Despite the poor looking congregation, they all dug deep within their White Lightning and Labrini-stained Kappa shellsuits to fill the "Place Money Here Or God Will Smite Thee" Plate to the brim. I made good use of the hundreds of pounds I received by betting on a horse, funnily enough, called God's Love. I knew it was my day, as the fucking thing romped home 1st at 50/1!
The Parsnip is now rich! Rich rich rich!
And, consequently, I am sure that God is shining down on all those scum who gave so generously to my Betting Fund, who enabled the Parsnip to reach his peak thanks to a tip received from his Friend, Big Dave.
Beware the Parsnip! For His New Found Financial Success Can Bring Pain Upon You, in the Form of 10,000 Red Hot Pokers Placed Heartily Up The Rear!
Judging by the rough-cut nature of many of the foul beasts in the audience at my First Sunday Service at Milton Keynes, I can see I'm going to have my work cut out for me. My church was not even half-full (half-empty?) and it pained me to see the loss of many Old Dears. Indeed, it would seem that many of the Old Dears have turned to Satanism or some other foul influence, as hardly any of them turned out, which is much different to Mevagissey. The only members of the congregation seemed to be confused Catholics, who thought that attending my services would show to their Local Priest that they are worthy candidates for having their scum-like children Baptised, "Holy Communioned" or confirmed.
People who sponge off the Church like so should be executed forthwith!
But there was no time like the present. I knew that if I made this a dazzling performance, the Good News of the Parsnip would soon spread. I had already greeted the local youths by inviting them onto Gmail, as I promised I would. I believe that my method of coaxing the Youth Vote is much more wholesome and acceptable than the way Catholic Priests have baited, coaxed and tempted their Youths in the past. I do not condone their methods! But the juxtaposition is amusing. Instead of showing the children my genitals, I show the children my gmail.
So I kicked off as usual with my Star Spangled Glittery Guitar Solo entry. This week, I picked something that would stick in the minds of all. I donned a stunning white catsuit, and pranced down the central aisle to the hallowed strains of "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen. I had my Gibson Les Paul lowered down from the rafters near to my lecturn on the altar, just in time for when the solo began!
Oh, and I Knocked Them Dead!
I know they loved me. They cheered and screamed, nay, pleaded! for more. But I could not grant them their wish. Too much of a good thing could have them believing that I am an Airy Fairy Free-Wheeling Easy-Going Muff-Diving Reverend... the type of which one sees on poor soaps such as EastEnders. Instead, I seized the moment with my classic phrase.
"THIS! IS! A! PARSNIP!"
I brought out my Favourite Parsnip from Under my tight catsuit.
"BOW BEFORE IT! AND IT WILL SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME!"
They all did.
I have them wrapped right around my little finger already.
It was good to receive new funds. Despite the poor looking congregation, they all dug deep within their White Lightning and Labrini-stained Kappa shellsuits to fill the "Place Money Here Or God Will Smite Thee" Plate to the brim. I made good use of the hundreds of pounds I received by betting on a horse, funnily enough, called God's Love. I knew it was my day, as the fucking thing romped home 1st at 50/1!
The Parsnip is now rich! Rich rich rich!
And, consequently, I am sure that God is shining down on all those scum who gave so generously to my Betting Fund, who enabled the Parsnip to reach his peak thanks to a tip received from his Friend, Big Dave.
Beware the Parsnip! For His New Found Financial Success Can Bring Pain Upon You, in the Form of 10,000 Red Hot Pokers Placed Heartily Up The Rear!
