Sunday, May 09, 2004
Unexpected Event
I am still in a state of shock at what happened. I'd geared myself up for a fantastic service: one of the best in my career. I was ready to deliver what would be a resounding and scathing attack on the local helicopter flying school, but I was not expecting the reaction I got.
I started off the service in typical fashion, with my usual star-studded and glamorous entrance. I like to don a spandex suit and burst in with my electric guitar to the hallowed strains of AC/DC's Back In Black. The choir boys and girls are in control of the lights, which they dim and then use spotlights and disco balls and other assorted paraphenalia... creating a real show for the Old Dears, who love a blasting to wake them up the morning. This normally sets the tone for the rest of the proceedings, but I should have known things would go wrong when I totally screwed up the solo. Oh, and one of the stage lights came crashing down, nearly killing me. That was very suspicious, as the boys and girls are normally so reliable. I think one of the flying instructors has bribed them and tried to kill me off. The bastards!
But then things got worse! As I started delivering my mighty sermon, I got heckled.
Me!
The Reverend Parson Peter Parsnip got heckled!
By the Old Dears!
One by one they stood up and shouted such blasphemies as:
"Death to parsnips!"
"Stick your parsnips where the sun don't shine!"
And the worst of them all...
"Turnips are better than parsnips!"
I screamed and roared: "YOU WILL ALL BE DAMNED TO AN ETERNITY IN HELL! ALL OF YOU! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DEFY THE WAY OF THE PARSNIP! EVEN IF ONLY ONE OF YOU REBELS, YOU WILL ALL BE SMITED VERILY ASUNDER!!! FLAMES, HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION AND NO PARSNIPS AWAIT YOU ALL!!"
They continued to challenge me, their strength growing as more people found the evil motivation to speak out. The Devil is not involved here. It is another far more evil force: one who seeks to rid the world of all vegetables altogether... not just the humble parsnip!
I knew this day might come eventually. The day where I'd have to take on a mighty foe, more powerful than God himself. The strength and formidibility of this foe would be indefineable. Only the greatest will prevail in a long and deadly battle of two adversaries. But, in my eventual triumph, it would clear the way for the Way of the Parsnip and the Coming of the Age of Root Vegetables would finally be upon the world.
Yes... McDonalds are behind this. Their corporate machine has heard of my threat to their existence. And they have brainwashed everyone in the village. They are all out to get me.
But I will win.
The war begins now.
I started off the service in typical fashion, with my usual star-studded and glamorous entrance. I like to don a spandex suit and burst in with my electric guitar to the hallowed strains of AC/DC's Back In Black. The choir boys and girls are in control of the lights, which they dim and then use spotlights and disco balls and other assorted paraphenalia... creating a real show for the Old Dears, who love a blasting to wake them up the morning. This normally sets the tone for the rest of the proceedings, but I should have known things would go wrong when I totally screwed up the solo. Oh, and one of the stage lights came crashing down, nearly killing me. That was very suspicious, as the boys and girls are normally so reliable. I think one of the flying instructors has bribed them and tried to kill me off. The bastards!
But then things got worse! As I started delivering my mighty sermon, I got heckled.
Me!
The Reverend Parson Peter Parsnip got heckled!
By the Old Dears!
One by one they stood up and shouted such blasphemies as:
"Death to parsnips!"
"Stick your parsnips where the sun don't shine!"
And the worst of them all...
"Turnips are better than parsnips!"
I screamed and roared: "YOU WILL ALL BE DAMNED TO AN ETERNITY IN HELL! ALL OF YOU! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DEFY THE WAY OF THE PARSNIP! EVEN IF ONLY ONE OF YOU REBELS, YOU WILL ALL BE SMITED VERILY ASUNDER!!! FLAMES, HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION AND NO PARSNIPS AWAIT YOU ALL!!"
They continued to challenge me, their strength growing as more people found the evil motivation to speak out. The Devil is not involved here. It is another far more evil force: one who seeks to rid the world of all vegetables altogether... not just the humble parsnip!
I knew this day might come eventually. The day where I'd have to take on a mighty foe, more powerful than God himself. The strength and formidibility of this foe would be indefineable. Only the greatest will prevail in a long and deadly battle of two adversaries. But, in my eventual triumph, it would clear the way for the Way of the Parsnip and the Coming of the Age of Root Vegetables would finally be upon the world.
Yes... McDonalds are behind this. Their corporate machine has heard of my threat to their existence. And they have brainwashed everyone in the village. They are all out to get me.
But I will win.
The war begins now.
