Monday, May 10, 2004
The Night of the Long Parsnips
This evening I am posting to you from my allotment. I don't think I've told you before that I have an allotment, but now I shall divulge this critical data to you, as it is important in the next part of this story.
I have an allotment. But it isn't an ordinary allotment. Oh no! It is a Parsnip Paradise! I decided to retire to here for most of the day in order to rest my weary soul and prepare myself for the journey ahead. This may well be the last day of peace and quiet I get. I am too unpopular in the village to do my usual stroll around town, standing in the village square and preaching the Way of the Parsnip to all and sundry. I usually get monetary donations from American and Japanese tourists, and all of it gets spent wisely in Defence of the Faith! (And Consumption of Jack Daniels!)
But I couldn't do that today. So I spent the whole day at the allotment and I have just finished fertilising the soil. I'm currently wirelessly connected to the Internet. Isn't it wonderful!
The best part of this, however, is what is under the allotment. Yes! There resides my secret laboratory in which I conduct experiments on parsnips in an attempt to produce the juiciest parsnip in the history of mankind. A parsnip so strong and powerful that it would distort the very fabric of space-time on consumption, knocking the Eater into an alternate reality as the Laws of Physics cannot cope with such extreme parsnippery deliciousness in this dimension!
I am a long way from achieving this goal, but initial tests on my guinea pigs (which are rabbits, actually) have produced some remarkable results: ranging from instant death to a large flying leap in an attempt to claw my face off.
The Power of the Parsnip is Strong in them! It will soon reach all of Mankind! Parsnips will be the Tool of the Righteous!
I have an allotment. But it isn't an ordinary allotment. Oh no! It is a Parsnip Paradise! I decided to retire to here for most of the day in order to rest my weary soul and prepare myself for the journey ahead. This may well be the last day of peace and quiet I get. I am too unpopular in the village to do my usual stroll around town, standing in the village square and preaching the Way of the Parsnip to all and sundry. I usually get monetary donations from American and Japanese tourists, and all of it gets spent wisely in Defence of the Faith! (And Consumption of Jack Daniels!)
But I couldn't do that today. So I spent the whole day at the allotment and I have just finished fertilising the soil. I'm currently wirelessly connected to the Internet. Isn't it wonderful!
The best part of this, however, is what is under the allotment. Yes! There resides my secret laboratory in which I conduct experiments on parsnips in an attempt to produce the juiciest parsnip in the history of mankind. A parsnip so strong and powerful that it would distort the very fabric of space-time on consumption, knocking the Eater into an alternate reality as the Laws of Physics cannot cope with such extreme parsnippery deliciousness in this dimension!
I am a long way from achieving this goal, but initial tests on my guinea pigs (which are rabbits, actually) have produced some remarkable results: ranging from instant death to a large flying leap in an attempt to claw my face off.
The Power of the Parsnip is Strong in them! It will soon reach all of Mankind! Parsnips will be the Tool of the Righteous!
